Getting help for Josh

I am finally getting help for Josh.  And I am letting people see the real me rather than hiding it.  I'm not hiding it any more.  I have sent three notes to Pam Reed about my situation and about my need for help with Josh.  I told her that I can't even take care of myself and that I am disabled from depression.  I can only guess how much my illness is affecting Josh and then for him to have to deal with having no friends, bad grades, and Asperger's and ADHD......My God I don't know how he does what he does.  He must be an amazingly strong child, although I know for a fact that he's depressed-----I asked him if he was depressed and he said yes although he said it was mostly due to not having friends----not because of me.  Still I know that he could have so much better than he has now with Tom and me.  I can't help but feel gulity for that.  And I came out to the DS community about my anger issues and about throwing a book at Josh and calling him an "ingrateful shit" This was a few weeks ago and I still can't forgive myself for it.  I posted at DS that I am a bad mom and then I just let it all come out.  I can't fake it any more and I'm glad.  It feels better to be honest and not fear what people will think of me.  This for me is one of many ways that I am breaking the chains of childhood and being honest about who I am and what I need.  I also wrote an e-mail to Dr. Wingard who Josh used to see for therapy.  So I'm not hiding any more.  I'm done living in the dark shadows where all I do is exist and not live.  No more will I let my son feel cut off from the world because of my isolation.  No more I tell you, no more