Getting closer to killing myself every day.
All I do now is sit in my room and think about killing myself.
No-one cares.
I hate myself so much and it's getting worse daily. The big things are always going to be there, that I'll never be enough, that no man will ever choose me, that I'll never make someone happy, that I'll never be loved the way I love others because I'm just not worth it. There is so much of all that crap going around, 24/7 and then the internet makes all the little things so much bigger too.
Fat and skinny shaming is rife online - so comes an uprising of body love for both sides. I'm glad people are promoting that we shouldn't hate on others for their shapes, but no-one fights for girls like me. Girls that are just there. No-one cares about us. We just blend in, unnoticeable and unremarkable. I'm not enviable - I don't have sexy curves and I don't have an athletic or skinny body. I just exist.
Boobs are just the same. Big boob girls are loved world over and some are like oh, I'd swap I want small ones. Sure, yeah small ones. How about nothing? NOTHING. No-one wants that. "Oh I'd kill for an athletic chest" It's not athletic. It's flat. Some girls may have small boobs and "athletic chests" but not me. Sorry. Sorry that makes me not worth your time.
There is nothing special or remarkable about me, but I go the extra 5000 miles for everyone I love and that is the problem. I give. I give and it's never enough, because I'm not enough. That's when people start to take what I can't give, and I end up destroyed. I will never be happy because of how broken I am on the inside and out. I live in pain every day but I have no-one to care and look after me the way I would them. The world just wants too much from me and I'm just not what anyone wants or deserves. Who wants a 21 year old, depressed, dumpy, physically and emotionally broken multiple rape victim other than someone who likes a girl they can take advantage of?
If I was more, if I was better, if I was special... I could be loved the way I love.
There have been people in my life that I would do almost anything for, and have... but no-one has ever felt like that about me. I have never been special to anyone, and I don't think I ever will.
I'm going to keep giving and keep getting my heart broken...
I spend a lot of time thinking about cutting myself to relieve the pain, but I don't want to lose people when they find out. I think about drinking a lot too, but I know I risk telling the truth about my life to people and how hard it is and losing them because who the hell would want to put up with that?
Don't get me wrong. I love my family, and there are people I love dearly in my life. I'd never want to hurt any of them, but I can't live with this pain for much longer, especially not alone.
I know that no-one cares about any of this, but I need to write it because I have no-one to talk to about it and it's eating me up inside.
No-one cares.
I hate myself so much and it's getting worse daily. The big things are always going to be there, that I'll never be enough, that no man will ever choose me, that I'll never make someone happy, that I'll never be loved the way I love others because I'm just not worth it. There is so much of all that crap going around, 24/7 and then the internet makes all the little things so much bigger too.
Fat and skinny shaming is rife online - so comes an uprising of body love for both sides. I'm glad people are promoting that we shouldn't hate on others for their shapes, but no-one fights for girls like me. Girls that are just there. No-one cares about us. We just blend in, unnoticeable and unremarkable. I'm not enviable - I don't have sexy curves and I don't have an athletic or skinny body. I just exist.
Boobs are just the same. Big boob girls are loved world over and some are like oh, I'd swap I want small ones. Sure, yeah small ones. How about nothing? NOTHING. No-one wants that. "Oh I'd kill for an athletic chest" It's not athletic. It's flat. Some girls may have small boobs and "athletic chests" but not me. Sorry. Sorry that makes me not worth your time.
There is nothing special or remarkable about me, but I go the extra 5000 miles for everyone I love and that is the problem. I give. I give and it's never enough, because I'm not enough. That's when people start to take what I can't give, and I end up destroyed. I will never be happy because of how broken I am on the inside and out. I live in pain every day but I have no-one to care and look after me the way I would them. The world just wants too much from me and I'm just not what anyone wants or deserves. Who wants a 21 year old, depressed, dumpy, physically and emotionally broken multiple rape victim other than someone who likes a girl they can take advantage of?
If I was more, if I was better, if I was special... I could be loved the way I love.
There have been people in my life that I would do almost anything for, and have... but no-one has ever felt like that about me. I have never been special to anyone, and I don't think I ever will.
I'm going to keep giving and keep getting my heart broken...
I spend a lot of time thinking about cutting myself to relieve the pain, but I don't want to lose people when they find out. I think about drinking a lot too, but I know I risk telling the truth about my life to people and how hard it is and losing them because who the hell would want to put up with that?
Don't get me wrong. I love my family, and there are people I love dearly in my life. I'd never want to hurt any of them, but I can't live with this pain for much longer, especially not alone.
I know that no-one cares about any of this, but I need to write it because I have no-one to talk to about it and it's eating me up inside.
Replies
You are loved more than you can fathom by the God of creation, who looks down on you and sees nothing but beauty.
\"You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you.\" Song of Solomon 4:7
I am praying Psalm 91 over you, something I\'ve been praying over myself a lot lately. Rest in Christ and seek refuge in Him, when the world takes advantage of your beautiful heart. You are loved. You are enough. You are whole. Speak it over yourself, even when you want to scream, \"Shut up, it\'s not true!\" I am praying for you. God is with you and He will not fail. If you need a friend or want to vent or cry or whatever, I\'m here, and I\'m praying. You can talk to me.
The fact that you would do that for me means so so much. Thank you. I wear two pendants every day, one baring Saint Michael with the inscription \"protgez-moi\" and the other bares Mary. They give me some strength and remind me that maybe I can keep going, but I am still finding things so so hard. I want you to know that your prayers are reaching me, and they mean the world. Thank you. My prayers will be with you also. x x x x