Getting by another holiday...i think

Well here we go again. Another year dealing with Thanksgiving and Christmas. The crying every day has started already. There is little that I can do to stop the tears from flowing so freely down my face. Thanksgiving use to be the one holiday that we all would come together. No matter where we lived we would all get together for that one day. I remember the last Thanksgiving I had with my mother we had about 20 people over to the house for dinner. Just about everyone was able to make it for that Thanksgiving for the first time in years. We had a lot of fun. Family all over the house, front yard, and back yard. It was nice. Now, its come to just me and family I have devloped. I moved away from my hometown shortly after my mom passed. I just had to run and run fast and far. Now I'm away from everyone. Sometimes its sad and lonely. Others I'm glad I'm away so I don't have to face the life I ran away from. It helps to be away from everyone else most times I believe. I do not have to be around everyone else with their mom. I don't have to pretend like it doesn't bother me. I miss her so much its unreal at times. Sometimes I just close my eyes to think about her. I wish and pray so hard for something to happen, to hear her voice, see her face, feel her touch. I would take anything. Anything in the world I would take it. I keep notes she wrote to see her hand writing. I can't express how lonely and deserted I feel since she has passed. I was angry for awhile. Wondering how could she leave me in this world all alone to make it. How dare she do that to me? I did get over that and I'm not angry. Now, I'm just unbelievably sad. I'm sad, lonely, motherless, abandoned, lost, and confused. I can't figure life out on my own. I need her so much right now. I'm going into that next phase of life and I feel like I'm just going to stumble through it until hopefully I find my way. I wish I could have a mother. I wish we could cook together. I wish a lot of things. Maybe I just wish too much. Maybe I just miss her so much.