Getting back to normal...
It's been almost two weeks since I have been on DS, and I've missed it along with the friends I have made here. I lost everything on Friday in my first miscarriage (of my first pregnancy, oh the irony!) so I've come full circle and we're back where we started.
I reread my last journal entry and I was clearly in shock still at that point. A few days after that, I reacted in what I am told is the normal way; anger, sadness, more anger (mostly with God for the false hope), and finally withdrawing from everyone around me. I felt like no one understood exactly what I was feeling. And no one did. I don't know anyone personally that this has happened to (save for the DS family). It's not like breaking up with a guy, where all your girlfriends know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. No one got it. And I found it was just easier to pull away for a few days while I dealt with things on my own. DH one day even told me that I was bringing him and everyone else down. Looking back I know he was trying everything to make me "snap out of it" but realizing you are losing part of your hope for the future is not just something you "snap out of" overnight. This is different than losing loved ones; those are memories that they take with them, and you feel sadness that they will no longer be a visible part of life. But losing your baby means a little part of that dream of your future family, those thoughts of the first Christmas, baptism, birthday parties, kindergarten, etc. all die with it. And that's a totally different type of loss.
After pain that I thought for sure would have me in ER on Friday night, I finally could feel the cramping (and gushing!) easing up some. On Saturday, I went with my mom/stepdad and DH downtown Traverse City for shopping and lunch as well as a Diet Coke that never tasted so good. Saturday night I finally had my first glass of wine since May 9th, and again, it was the best wine ever, I'm quite convinced. Sunday I spent the day on my pontoon, taking in the sunshine and summer breezes. I must admit wearing pads is not my style, and especially difficult in a bathing suit, but I made it work.
I have made a decision that I refuse to let the sadness take over another minute of my time. It's the best decision I've made in a long time. I feel better about our current situation, and I feel hopeful for the FET in early October if I can get clearance. I have b/w done in five weeks to determine what could have caused the miscarriage. I am hoping that whatever they find is something that easily corrected, so that I don't experience m/c #2 the next time around.
I have apologized to God for blaming him for this and I feel much better with my relationship with Him as well. "Ask and you shall receive"--we didn't receive, however I don't believe God is telling us no, I believe he is saying not yet, that it's not our time, and to continue learning patience. It's so easy to what our lives to go exactly how we want them to, forgetting that ultimately nothing is up to us and our ideal timing.
I remain optimistic, and I am enjoying life once again. God is great!
I reread my last journal entry and I was clearly in shock still at that point. A few days after that, I reacted in what I am told is the normal way; anger, sadness, more anger (mostly with God for the false hope), and finally withdrawing from everyone around me. I felt like no one understood exactly what I was feeling. And no one did. I don't know anyone personally that this has happened to (save for the DS family). It's not like breaking up with a guy, where all your girlfriends know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. No one got it. And I found it was just easier to pull away for a few days while I dealt with things on my own. DH one day even told me that I was bringing him and everyone else down. Looking back I know he was trying everything to make me "snap out of it" but realizing you are losing part of your hope for the future is not just something you "snap out of" overnight. This is different than losing loved ones; those are memories that they take with them, and you feel sadness that they will no longer be a visible part of life. But losing your baby means a little part of that dream of your future family, those thoughts of the first Christmas, baptism, birthday parties, kindergarten, etc. all die with it. And that's a totally different type of loss.
After pain that I thought for sure would have me in ER on Friday night, I finally could feel the cramping (and gushing!) easing up some. On Saturday, I went with my mom/stepdad and DH downtown Traverse City for shopping and lunch as well as a Diet Coke that never tasted so good. Saturday night I finally had my first glass of wine since May 9th, and again, it was the best wine ever, I'm quite convinced. Sunday I spent the day on my pontoon, taking in the sunshine and summer breezes. I must admit wearing pads is not my style, and especially difficult in a bathing suit, but I made it work.
I have made a decision that I refuse to let the sadness take over another minute of my time. It's the best decision I've made in a long time. I feel better about our current situation, and I feel hopeful for the FET in early October if I can get clearance. I have b/w done in five weeks to determine what could have caused the miscarriage. I am hoping that whatever they find is something that easily corrected, so that I don't experience m/c #2 the next time around.
I have apologized to God for blaming him for this and I feel much better with my relationship with Him as well. "Ask and you shall receive"--we didn't receive, however I don't believe God is telling us no, I believe he is saying not yet, that it's not our time, and to continue learning patience. It's so easy to what our lives to go exactly how we want them to, forgetting that ultimately nothing is up to us and our ideal timing.
I remain optimistic, and I am enjoying life once again. God is great!
Replies
I just read your story. I miscarried last month as well but it was rather early. I\'m so sorry. I agree with HOPE...God keeps talking to me as well.
I am happy to see you back on here. I was wondering about you the other day. I don\'t know what a miscarriage is like but I do know the frustration with God and no one around understanding what you are going through. Hopefully you can use DS to find some others who share the expierence and can relate. I hope that they find out what the problem was.
My heart breaks for you, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. Glad to hear that you are able to move forward and enjoy life again. Take care.
Reading your journal brought back so many emotions and memories of my first miscarriage and having gone through it, I do know how you feel and if there was anything I could say or do I would. What I did learn is that knowing that others have gone through it and gotten out of that \'black hole\' as I called it, made me have a little peace. I did the same thing as you though, turned inward and away from everyone to deal with it myself. B/c you are right, what you are going through at those worst moments, can\'t be understood by others, even your DH. But....you are so far ahead of me b/c I did not make the decision to not let the sadness take over for about a year and I lost about a year of my life and some friends b/c I couldn\'t let go of the pain. I am so proud of you and admire you for that. That shows how strong you are and from reading your journal, it really seems like you are in a good place. While there are no words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through what you did, know that things will get better, each day will be brighter and keep looking towards the future. Hugs.
I\'m in the same boat (or pontoon)...I\'ll be miscarrying my first pregnancy any day now. I\'ve been going through all the emotions you have. It is so hard, especially when you\'ve been trying for so long and have spent so much time and money on treatments. I\'m glad to see you are enjoying life again and ready to make plans for the future. That day is just around the corner for me. Maybe after the miscarriage? It\'s been 8 days and I\'m ready.
My aunt sent me this poem and I thought I\'d share with you...
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won\'t be any doubt,
You were so wonderful to think about,
But so hard to be without.
--- Author Unknown
Thanks to all of you for your comments and concern. I do find immense comfort in the ONLY place people get it... here on DS. Thank you again! Your support means so much to me.