Getting back to normal...
It's been almost two weeks since I have been on DS, and I've missed it along with the friends I have made here. I lost everything on Friday in my first miscarriage (of my first pregnancy, oh the irony!) so I've come full circle and we're back where we started.
I reread my last journal entry and I was clearly in shock still at that point. A few days after that, I reacted in what I am told is the normal way; anger, sadness, more anger (mostly with God for the false hope), and finally withdrawing from everyone around me. I felt like no one understood exactly what I was feeling. And no one did. I don't know anyone personally that this has happened to (save for the DS family). It's not like breaking up with a guy, where all your girlfriends know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. No one got it. And I found it was just easier to pull away for a few days while I dealt with things on my own. DH one day even told me that I was bringing him and everyone else down. Looking back I know he was trying everything to make me "snap out of it" but realizing you are losing part of your hope for the future is not just something you "snap out of" overnight. This is different than losing loved ones; those are memories that they take with them, and you feel sadness that they will no longer be a visible part of life. But losing your baby means a little part of that dream of your future family, those thoughts of the first Christmas, baptism, birthday parties, kindergarten, etc. all die with it. And that's a totally different type of loss.
After pain that I thought for sure would have me in ER on Friday night, I finally could feel the cramping (and gushing!) easing up some. On Saturday, I went with my mom/stepdad and DH downtown Traverse City for shopping and lunch as well as a Diet Coke that never tasted so good. Saturday night I finally had my first glass of wine since May 9th, and again, it was the best wine ever, I'm quite convinced. Sunday I spent the day on my pontoon, taking in the sunshine and summer breezes. I must admit wearing pads is not my style, and especially difficult in a bathing suit, but I made it work.
I have made a decision that I refuse to let the sadness take over another minute of my time. It's the best decision I've made in a long time. I feel better about our current situation, and I feel hopeful for the FET in early October if I can get clearance. I have b/w done in five weeks to determine what could have caused the miscarriage. I am hoping that whatever they find is something that easily corrected, so that I don't experience m/c #2 the next time around.
I have apologized to God for blaming him for this and I feel much better with my relationship with Him as well. "Ask and you shall receive"--we didn't receive, however I don't believe God is telling us no, I believe he is saying not yet, that it's not our time, and to continue learning patience. It's so easy to what our lives to go exactly how we want them to, forgetting that ultimately nothing is up to us and our ideal timing.
I remain optimistic, and I am enjoying life once again. God is great!
I reread my last journal entry and I was clearly in shock still at that point. A few days after that, I reacted in what I am told is the normal way; anger, sadness, more anger (mostly with God for the false hope), and finally withdrawing from everyone around me. I felt like no one understood exactly what I was feeling. And no one did. I don't know anyone personally that this has happened to (save for the DS family). It's not like breaking up with a guy, where all your girlfriends know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. No one got it. And I found it was just easier to pull away for a few days while I dealt with things on my own. DH one day even told me that I was bringing him and everyone else down. Looking back I know he was trying everything to make me "snap out of it" but realizing you are losing part of your hope for the future is not just something you "snap out of" overnight. This is different than losing loved ones; those are memories that they take with them, and you feel sadness that they will no longer be a visible part of life. But losing your baby means a little part of that dream of your future family, those thoughts of the first Christmas, baptism, birthday parties, kindergarten, etc. all die with it. And that's a totally different type of loss.
After pain that I thought for sure would have me in ER on Friday night, I finally could feel the cramping (and gushing!) easing up some. On Saturday, I went with my mom/stepdad and DH downtown Traverse City for shopping and lunch as well as a Diet Coke that never tasted so good. Saturday night I finally had my first glass of wine since May 9th, and again, it was the best wine ever, I'm quite convinced. Sunday I spent the day on my pontoon, taking in the sunshine and summer breezes. I must admit wearing pads is not my style, and especially difficult in a bathing suit, but I made it work.
I have made a decision that I refuse to let the sadness take over another minute of my time. It's the best decision I've made in a long time. I feel better about our current situation, and I feel hopeful for the FET in early October if I can get clearance. I have b/w done in five weeks to determine what could have caused the miscarriage. I am hoping that whatever they find is something that easily corrected, so that I don't experience m/c #2 the next time around.
I have apologized to God for blaming him for this and I feel much better with my relationship with Him as well. "Ask and you shall receive"--we didn't receive, however I don't believe God is telling us no, I believe he is saying not yet, that it's not our time, and to continue learning patience. It's so easy to what our lives to go exactly how we want them to, forgetting that ultimately nothing is up to us and our ideal timing.
I remain optimistic, and I am enjoying life once again. God is great!
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