Getting a little better

Today seems a little brighter. Whether it is temporary, or another step in the healing process, I have plans to actually do some of the things that I have been putting off. Whether I do any of these things, is yet another story. At least my mind is allowing me to think of something other than focusing on the last days of my Dad's life. Since talking to a preacher, attending a support group, reading about others on this site, I realize that as human beings, unfortunately, we all must face a loss/multiple losses in our lives. Although death is the most devastating, all of us will face losses of other types continuously. It can be losing your job, breaking up with your partner, or a multitude of simple problems that seem to "gang up" on you, all at once. I have also recently been emailing a teenager that I met, who was working at a local Goodwill store. Even though she is young and I am not so young anymore, she has been a "Godsend". Just having someone to correspond with, has lifted a lot of weight from me. She has wisdom beyond her years, and seems to know what to say, to brighten my mood. We don't know each other that well but, it feels like a step in the right direction. I know I shouldn't think about it but, I pray she will not desert me, like my "former friends and family" have done. I'm willing to take that chance, though. After all, what do I have to lose? I know I have built a wall, or as the preacher said, a "bubble" surrounding me. Since there seemed to be no one attempting to come in, I have burst that "bubble and escaped". It's all up to me now. I can proceed to a new level in my life, or I can fall back into the "pit" that had captured me. Given the options, I have chosen to crawl out, hopefully never to fall back in. My outlook on life has drastically changed. I only wish I had awakened before it got this far. I know I have lost a lot of weight, in the wrong way but,  when I look at myself in the mirror, and try on all of the clothes that were too little for so long, I actually have to smile. I look better than I have in a long, long time. I don't have to cover up my "imperfections". I went as far as quitting my job which, may take  some time to correct but, I will try to find an even better, more suitable job. I will continue to take "baby steps", to avoid a relapse. I am sitting here, looking forward to achieving goals I have set for myself, as well as doing some of the things I once enjoyed so much. I think my flowers, animals, books, "dust bunnies"(yes, as much as I love to clean, my house is showing signs of neglect), will welcome me back! I don't know exactly what has triggered this newfound determination in me... maybe it was a combination of talking, writing, sharing. time, etc. At one point, I was even hoping to join my Father! I will one day but, not yet. I can only imagine how upset my Dad must have been when he saw my reactions to his passing. I believe he is watching me from above, and reassuring me that I need not worry about him, because he is happy, and comfortable, in his "new home", with the Lord". Although his life on Earth is complete, he will hold my hand, and guide me, for the rest of my life. His unconditional, abundance of love for me, will never be overlooked, or forgotten. May he give me the strength to continue my life's journey on Earth, without him  by my side. He is in my heart forever. I wrote him a poem years ago called, One in a Million. He truly is/was. While I have been writing  this , I have accomplished something that has not been so easy for me...I have been wiping the tears from my eyes so I could see to write!