Get The Straightjacket///Take Out The Trash
This is just a bunch of emotionl trash. I needed to just dump and this is a bit of the result.
Ok, so yesterday evening and last night I was not doing well. Nothing specific, I mean I was bummed about dr, and things got little heated on forums,,but those were just little nothings. I just felt ICK all evening. Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. At one point I just started bawling, no trigger I am aware of, no blast of mental images, just one minute I was loading the dishwasher and the next I was boohooing. That was shortly before H got home from work. When he came home he knew immediately something was up and asked what happened. I tried to explain that idk. He asked, did you receive any mssgs or emails or something say something did something happen?/ No, no, and no. TOW is on my facebook, I obssessed about her in beginning, and added her as way to kinda keep tabs. I spoke to her via fb in beginning(she didnt know about me in beg)and she answered a lot of questions about the a. I realized after this went on for while, that she had helped me all she could answering my questions, and I didn't need to see her name on my friends lists anymore or read her posts,,she would send me little mssgs, hope you have a good day etc, that kind of stuff,,last one she sent was 11 days ago, I never responded to it, so that has been the last communication between her n I. Somehow I havent been able to take that last step to delete her. Anyway,,Not really where I was going with this journal entry..............
H was good and patient all evening. Hugged me several times , appologized, said I know nothing happened today, but its my fault anyway that you feeling like this and I'm sorry. I know he is. I know he is working so hard to give me what I need to rebuild myself and this marriage. I also know patience is not one of his strong suits,,although he is surprising me everyday with his growth,,but part of me keeps thinking how long can he continue being so patient and supportive? what happens then,, and then I go into a tailspin. Several times he would ask are you ok?? He would touch my hand or shoulder, ask again,,, sometimes goof off a little, trying to make me laugh. THen he says am I irritating you? I say no,, well actually yes a little, but I need it, I need you to keep me heren now, back away from the edge of losing it. I said if you let my funk put you in a funk and you get pissy too, I'll just shut down,, I need you pushing and pulling on me for my own good right now, please. But how long can he do it?
Dunno if any of this makes sense. Lord I'm a basket case, please lighten my load today, amen.
In looking over my journal, I realize that last Thursday I had the same ick my skin is crawling, I feel like crying and puking feeling. Started in the afternoon, progressively getting worse through the evening. Yesterday, Thursday was 6 weeks since DDay. Hello. Wake up and see it. The Thursday before wouldve been 5, before that 4, duh. How blonde can I be sometimes? Why can't I get IT all at once? I found the first email s about the a in the afternoon on Thursday, then I started actually looking and found more and more, 2 dif accounts and so as the afternoon went on my world got darker and darker. The evening was horrible, I didnt confront H right away when he got home, biggest reason being kids were home and is small house, second I was in shock. Planned to wait till the next night, Friday, because I knew we would be alone in the evening cuz both kids would be at work. I mean on outside, I fixed dinner, we all watched xfactor together, then I think burn notice,,did some chores, normal crap,, I WAS DYING on the inside. we went to bed. I couldnt sleep, about 12 I told him I knew. And so it began. 6 weeks ago yesterday, on Thursday. I mean Holy Mary comfort me, am I going to lose it every stinkin Thursday? I mean I expect some on holidays,, and I am soo thankful the A wasnt during any holidays,,thank you thank you. I expect maybe anniversary of when A started to be a trigger, or anniversary of dday,, ok I ekpect it to be coming, I will prepare the shields, but Come-On,,,every thursday? Please.
Hormones are wackadoo, too. Doesnt help one damn bit. 12 days late now, I'm crying at television commercials. Can't I just get one break?
No sex last night. Only been a few nights without since dday,, couple last month mid period, and one or two here or there we've both been tired,,, but that was after already having had nooner sex and/or morning sex. No morning sex or nooner yesterday. I was a all over the map last night emotionally, wanting to cry, wanting to yell, even laughing, and wanting to hide. H says if you're tired or jut not in the mood its ok I get it. Well I turned that inside and it just hurt my feelings ,,, ie, he just doesnt want you. I am such a mess. I didnt tell him that. I cried when he was in the shower. He came to bed , spooned me and we fell asleep like that. Well I did eventually.
Maybe I should write down password/ user name on this acct for H,,I've told him, but he forgets,,so that when they find me at island park in the castle sucking my thumb they'll be able to piece together what happened.......sheesh........
Woke up still feeling weepy. This sucks. I am determined today to smile. To fake it till I make it. It's Friday, Christmas eve eve. I still have shopping to do. Never have I still had shopping to do at this point. Another thing I cried over yesterday. H and I will shop together this evening. Tomorrow will be an even better day. And Sunday will be Glorious.
Ok, so yesterday evening and last night I was not doing well. Nothing specific, I mean I was bummed about dr, and things got little heated on forums,,but those were just little nothings. I just felt ICK all evening. Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. At one point I just started bawling, no trigger I am aware of, no blast of mental images, just one minute I was loading the dishwasher and the next I was boohooing. That was shortly before H got home from work. When he came home he knew immediately something was up and asked what happened. I tried to explain that idk. He asked, did you receive any mssgs or emails or something say something did something happen?/ No, no, and no. TOW is on my facebook, I obssessed about her in beginning, and added her as way to kinda keep tabs. I spoke to her via fb in beginning(she didnt know about me in beg)and she answered a lot of questions about the a. I realized after this went on for while, that she had helped me all she could answering my questions, and I didn't need to see her name on my friends lists anymore or read her posts,,she would send me little mssgs, hope you have a good day etc, that kind of stuff,,last one she sent was 11 days ago, I never responded to it, so that has been the last communication between her n I. Somehow I havent been able to take that last step to delete her. Anyway,,Not really where I was going with this journal entry..............
H was good and patient all evening. Hugged me several times , appologized, said I know nothing happened today, but its my fault anyway that you feeling like this and I'm sorry. I know he is. I know he is working so hard to give me what I need to rebuild myself and this marriage. I also know patience is not one of his strong suits,,although he is surprising me everyday with his growth,,but part of me keeps thinking how long can he continue being so patient and supportive? what happens then,, and then I go into a tailspin. Several times he would ask are you ok?? He would touch my hand or shoulder, ask again,,, sometimes goof off a little, trying to make me laugh. THen he says am I irritating you? I say no,, well actually yes a little, but I need it, I need you to keep me heren now, back away from the edge of losing it. I said if you let my funk put you in a funk and you get pissy too, I'll just shut down,, I need you pushing and pulling on me for my own good right now, please. But how long can he do it?
Dunno if any of this makes sense. Lord I'm a basket case, please lighten my load today, amen.
In looking over my journal, I realize that last Thursday I had the same ick my skin is crawling, I feel like crying and puking feeling. Started in the afternoon, progressively getting worse through the evening. Yesterday, Thursday was 6 weeks since DDay. Hello. Wake up and see it. The Thursday before wouldve been 5, before that 4, duh. How blonde can I be sometimes? Why can't I get IT all at once? I found the first email s about the a in the afternoon on Thursday, then I started actually looking and found more and more, 2 dif accounts and so as the afternoon went on my world got darker and darker. The evening was horrible, I didnt confront H right away when he got home, biggest reason being kids were home and is small house, second I was in shock. Planned to wait till the next night, Friday, because I knew we would be alone in the evening cuz both kids would be at work. I mean on outside, I fixed dinner, we all watched xfactor together, then I think burn notice,,did some chores, normal crap,, I WAS DYING on the inside. we went to bed. I couldnt sleep, about 12 I told him I knew. And so it began. 6 weeks ago yesterday, on Thursday. I mean Holy Mary comfort me, am I going to lose it every stinkin Thursday? I mean I expect some on holidays,, and I am soo thankful the A wasnt during any holidays,,thank you thank you. I expect maybe anniversary of when A started to be a trigger, or anniversary of dday,, ok I ekpect it to be coming, I will prepare the shields, but Come-On,,,every thursday? Please.
Hormones are wackadoo, too. Doesnt help one damn bit. 12 days late now, I'm crying at television commercials. Can't I just get one break?
No sex last night. Only been a few nights without since dday,, couple last month mid period, and one or two here or there we've both been tired,,, but that was after already having had nooner sex and/or morning sex. No morning sex or nooner yesterday. I was a all over the map last night emotionally, wanting to cry, wanting to yell, even laughing, and wanting to hide. H says if you're tired or jut not in the mood its ok I get it. Well I turned that inside and it just hurt my feelings ,,, ie, he just doesnt want you. I am such a mess. I didnt tell him that. I cried when he was in the shower. He came to bed , spooned me and we fell asleep like that. Well I did eventually.
Maybe I should write down password/ user name on this acct for H,,I've told him, but he forgets,,so that when they find me at island park in the castle sucking my thumb they'll be able to piece together what happened.......sheesh........
Woke up still feeling weepy. This sucks. I am determined today to smile. To fake it till I make it. It's Friday, Christmas eve eve. I still have shopping to do. Never have I still had shopping to do at this point. Another thing I cried over yesterday. H and I will shop together this evening. Tomorrow will be an even better day. And Sunday will be Glorious.
Replies
6 weeks? Honey, write off the first year! That\'s not to say that every minute of the entire year will be horrible, but I think it takes at least that long to wrap your mind around this devastating new information. After that, the real hard rebuilding work really kicks in. Will he be able to sustain his suportive behavior? Um....you\'ve read my last few journal entries right? Prior to this bad patch, we were doing great. All is not lost though...at least E finally grew a set, asmall set mind you, but a set none the less and apologized for being an asshole. Not that I feel one iota sorry for our H\'s, but I know this has to be hard for them too. I know E never knows when I\'m going to become unglued and that puts him on edge. However, even my \"unglued\" times are still more mentally stable than some other people\'s \"normal\" mental state...case in point, my H\'s OW whack job pig. Sorry...couldn\'t resist! lol
Listen, you are doing really good for 6 weeks out. You are participating here, dealing with your H well and overall you are doing pretty good. I know you think if this is pretty good what is bad like right?
Z is right. You have a crazy ride ahead of you. You need to not label sad days as \"slipping or failing\" you need to just have them and recognize that its okay to have them.
I\'m 18 months out. I still have crappy days and even crappy weeks.
But the dip in the coaster isn\'t as deep and they are further spaced. That is what you need to judge by.
There have been times when I was screaming at my H, asking for a divorce and five seconds later needing a hug. ITS NUTS.
It gets better. Promise.
lolol thanks :)
lotus \"There have been times when I was screaming at my H, asking for a divorce and five seconds later needing a hug. ITS NUTS.\" Man is this true!!! I\'d rip E a new one, then start to cry, then get all upset when he wouldn\'t hold me and comfort me. When I look at it objectively....why the hell would he want to hold me and comfort me when I had just verbally stabbed him to death??? Anyway, lotus is also right about the dips. I\'m now 2 years and almost 4 months passed dday, and you\'ve seen my dips. But they are spaced out much longer now. I\'m not under and illusions that I won\'t ever have anymore, but what I do know is that I am strong enough to deal with it. I won\'t fall apart. Nothing will ever take that away from me! One day at a time friend!
any not and...edit button!!!
For the first three months post DDay my emotions were a total tempest - and this while I was heavily medicated, even. Hot \"baby, let\'s do it!\" then cold \"Don\'t you even LOOK at me\" then weeping at the post office at junk mail addressed to \"Mr. or Mrs.\" then listlessly staring out the car window wondering if I would be able to live through the year.
I thought I would NEVER laugh again. I thought all the joy was gone forever. That you can laugh, even forced out by goofy husband antics is such a blessing.
It does get better. The bumps and waves and twists and turns slowly smooth to something more manageable. I know joy again... and even laughter. Whodathunkit?
happy for you Allora.. I keep telling myself things will even out......
I\'m amazed how well you are doing, actually! So don\'t be hard on yourself! But you may just have more big girl panties in your drawer, than I did! lol