get better please
Get better please - this is to me not him.
Last night at 10 he texted me that he had gone to the ocean with someone else and that he thought of me.
What a trigger - I responded with basically don't ever want to hear from you again until you apologize for trashing me on facebook and all the nasty texts you sent.
And I should have seen it coming somehow we get into the text war again & somehow he is suggesting I want him back and saying horrible things about what a shitty person I am again.
After about an hour I turned the phone off. This morning I re-read the texts. I sent him one.
"If you are not going to apologize for all the horrible things you've said about me, please never contact me again. If you think that way about me, I don't know why you would text me anyway. I never thought you were that kind of person, but now I think I was always wrong. Leave me alone.
And I get back "I'm deleting you from my phone. If you want to hear from me, you will have to contact me. Goodbye & have a nice life." REALLY???? I don't think he understands English. I sent one more text, "Good Bye".
After an hour I get another text, the one I wanted all along. "You are right. I am so sorry for all the things I've said about you. I do want to be friends. Again I am so sorry. I was just hurt."
AND IT DOESN'T F*ING MATTER. NOTHING HE SAYS MATTERS BECAUSE HE CHANGES WHAT HE SAYS ALL THE TIME. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.
I know this. I blew it. I let him F* me again. Ruin another night's sleep. Start questioning if I am a good person. I am so f*ing sick of this.
I engaged with him. I blew it. He is a HURT MACHINE. He just wanted me to know he went on a weekend trip to the coast (my favorite place) with someone else. He wanted that to hurt me.
Am I insane? Am I hooked on the drama of being abused by him? Am I ever going to make it end?
Last night at 10 he texted me that he had gone to the ocean with someone else and that he thought of me.
What a trigger - I responded with basically don't ever want to hear from you again until you apologize for trashing me on facebook and all the nasty texts you sent.
And I should have seen it coming somehow we get into the text war again & somehow he is suggesting I want him back and saying horrible things about what a shitty person I am again.
After about an hour I turned the phone off. This morning I re-read the texts. I sent him one.
"If you are not going to apologize for all the horrible things you've said about me, please never contact me again. If you think that way about me, I don't know why you would text me anyway. I never thought you were that kind of person, but now I think I was always wrong. Leave me alone.
And I get back "I'm deleting you from my phone. If you want to hear from me, you will have to contact me. Goodbye & have a nice life." REALLY???? I don't think he understands English. I sent one more text, "Good Bye".
After an hour I get another text, the one I wanted all along. "You are right. I am so sorry for all the things I've said about you. I do want to be friends. Again I am so sorry. I was just hurt."
AND IT DOESN'T F*ING MATTER. NOTHING HE SAYS MATTERS BECAUSE HE CHANGES WHAT HE SAYS ALL THE TIME. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.
I know this. I blew it. I let him F* me again. Ruin another night's sleep. Start questioning if I am a good person. I am so f*ing sick of this.
I engaged with him. I blew it. He is a HURT MACHINE. He just wanted me to know he went on a weekend trip to the coast (my favorite place) with someone else. He wanted that to hurt me.
Am I insane? Am I hooked on the drama of being abused by him? Am I ever going to make it end?
Replies
He\'s definitely messing with your head. Unfortunately he\'s going to keep doing it for so long as he gets a rise out of you... Can you block him from your phone? That would seem to be the best thing. Block him, and then when you\'re tempted to feel sorry for him, just re-read this journal entry.
And he\'s a hurtful prick to text you just to \"let you know\" he went to a favourite place with someone else. No amount of justification can ever excuse something like that.
He is a hurtful prick and messing with me and I know it. I can block him on my phone, but I haven\'t because . . . I don\'t know why I don\'t.
I understand why you haven\'t blocked him before, but now is the time. I know someone just like him! It only gets worse - each connection ends up in a fight. None of the things he said about you are true - you know that. Please make a list of some things you would love to do and then get busy going on a day trip or go to a great restaurant.
I too understand why you haven\'t blocked him -- oh, do I ever. You\'ve suffered so much trauma at his hands that it\'s really become a case of traumatic BONDING. Your own brain is keeping you hostage in a way... Can you tell that part of yourself (the you who still cares and therefore doesn\'t want to let go) that you\'re going to block him just \"for today\"? Or that you\'re taking a little time out to give yourself a break from any thoughts about him? Cause that\'s what you desperately need right now. A vacation. From your mind, from all thoughts of him. (Not to mention, from HIM -- a clear period where he doesn\'t darken your horizon in any way, because his actions are VERY hurtful and it\'s undermining your strength.) Would the Scarlett O\'Hara thing (\"I will think about that tomorrow\") work?
You will get better, but until you cut ALL ties with this man, you won\'t be able too. He just brings your down with every contact. I know it\'s hard to block him, to ignore him, to let him go but you know what you need to do. You have come so far, please take this last step and let him go. He is a mess, you can\'t fix him and he is a grown man, he needs to fix himself, he is so toxic to you....... You deserve so much more than what he is able to give you.
Like everyone said, take a little YOU trip. Just get away even for just a day, do something out of the normal. Keep posting here, we\'ll be here for you.
Hugs~
Thank you all so much I am better today. I only lost 2 days from his latest nastiness. I am functional again. I am trauma bonded. He is toxic. He is a hurt machine. I can block him for a vacation - great idea. I wish I could get him out of my mind for an hour or a day.
Baby steps. Start with a minute at a time...