General update 2014
To whoever finds this and reads it. I realize it has been a year since my last entry. Things have happened, good and bad. I went to Cambodia in February for one month to volunteer at an elephant sanctuary, and it was the greatest time of my life. I felt like I belonged with those people who care about nature and animals especially elephants like I do. However, a month in a very hot, and very corrupt country takes a toll on you. It was good to go back home. I had half a year off (Jan - Aug) from school in Europe, so I went back to Canada and worked three jobs. It was great. I also met one of my brothers roommates, and we had a relationship from the end of March to August. While we dated, we decided we would be positive about the future, for when I leave, and we had a really good time. I didn't love him, but I could have, if he didn't break up with me. He was right in doing so. Well, logically yes. Long distance relationships are difficult. Especially when you have been dating for less than half a year. I had the greatest first half of the year. My S.A.D didn't affect me too much, since I got enough sunlight in Cambodia.
When I came back to Denmark, it was so hard. Having had my heart broken, and leaving my parents (who I grew a stronger relationship with) was so hard. But my friends here in DK helped a lot. Including a guy I met last year. We instantly connected again, flirting with each other. One day I finally kissed him. It felt great. We are a couple now, though I broke up with him briefly in October. It nearly killed him, and it nearly killed me. I still wanted to be with him, but the attraction was gone. I had thought that it was all pointless and illogical to have this relationship since I will be leaving DK in June. But I was crying non stop and my heart ached. To be honest... I still don't know if my heart ached because I thought I had lost him, or just because I felt guilty putting him through this pain.. Anyways, we talked and he asked me to never do it again, and I agreed... I don't think I should have. It will happen, when June closes in, but June is so long from now. My S.A.D had started gently in September, but it is in full swing now. Joint pains, fatigue, tiredness, carving carbs and what's worse, my depression. I can't stand being with my friends anymore. They all piss me off, by telling me what I should and shouldn't do, how I am doing everything wrong. My boyfriend is part of this. He laughs at my mistakes (innocently) but it drives my insane! I want to cry every time. A person can only take so much!
I recently found out I have herpes. This is very personal, but also important to the story. I took my boyfriends virginity. and a week after I broke up with him, I had a super mild outbreak. I refused to believe my doctor, got the swab, which came out negative. I was so so so happy it wasn't true. But when it comes to herpes, there are a lot of false-negatives. So I got my blood work done, and it came out positive. This just killed me all over again. 1) I could have gotten it from any of the guys I have been with, 2) They might not even know they have it and 3) I could have given it to my boyfriend, who has never been with another person except me. His FIRST girlfriend gave him herpes? That makes me feel like the worst person ever - and I know I shouldn't punish myself. I took the precautions, had STI tests done, asked guys about this stuff before doing the deed, but I still got it. It is a life long thing I will have to deal with. It just makes me feel so dirty. In my future, i will feel obliged to tell potential sex partners about it, so they can decide whether to go forward or not. My boyfriend said he didn't care. I got mad at him, because this is something to care about. I told him to read all he could about it. He did. He understands now that it isn't some little thing. We have no idea if I passed it to him, only time will tell I guess. But the herpes, the recurrent bladder infections, the depression are all building up, or actually tearing down the strong wall I created the better part of the year. Recently, a mutual friend told me that my boyfriend told a friend that if I broke up with him again, he could never be friends with me. I get that. I do. But now I feel trapped. I am in a relationship with someone who is driving me crazy. I am not healthy for him, I am mean and bossy around him. He is taking it well, he says he is getting stressed from some of it, but he is fine. At this point, I feel like I should keep disappointing him so he will break up with me... but who would break up with their depressed girlfriend, who took their virginity? No one. Hence why I feel trapped. I want to say I like him, but I don't believe it. His laugh makes me mad, his touch makes me feel insecure. I know I need to break up with him, but I don't know if I am ready to lose him. I don't know anything right now. I am at a complete loss. I hate having to be the friend or family member that is complaining all the time but I just can't handle it anymore. I just can't. I need help. Support from people who aren't driving me crazy.
I just wish I could go back to the first part of the year and relive it. I am miserable now.
When I came back to Denmark, it was so hard. Having had my heart broken, and leaving my parents (who I grew a stronger relationship with) was so hard. But my friends here in DK helped a lot. Including a guy I met last year. We instantly connected again, flirting with each other. One day I finally kissed him. It felt great. We are a couple now, though I broke up with him briefly in October. It nearly killed him, and it nearly killed me. I still wanted to be with him, but the attraction was gone. I had thought that it was all pointless and illogical to have this relationship since I will be leaving DK in June. But I was crying non stop and my heart ached. To be honest... I still don't know if my heart ached because I thought I had lost him, or just because I felt guilty putting him through this pain.. Anyways, we talked and he asked me to never do it again, and I agreed... I don't think I should have. It will happen, when June closes in, but June is so long from now. My S.A.D had started gently in September, but it is in full swing now. Joint pains, fatigue, tiredness, carving carbs and what's worse, my depression. I can't stand being with my friends anymore. They all piss me off, by telling me what I should and shouldn't do, how I am doing everything wrong. My boyfriend is part of this. He laughs at my mistakes (innocently) but it drives my insane! I want to cry every time. A person can only take so much!
I recently found out I have herpes. This is very personal, but also important to the story. I took my boyfriends virginity. and a week after I broke up with him, I had a super mild outbreak. I refused to believe my doctor, got the swab, which came out negative. I was so so so happy it wasn't true. But when it comes to herpes, there are a lot of false-negatives. So I got my blood work done, and it came out positive. This just killed me all over again. 1) I could have gotten it from any of the guys I have been with, 2) They might not even know they have it and 3) I could have given it to my boyfriend, who has never been with another person except me. His FIRST girlfriend gave him herpes? That makes me feel like the worst person ever - and I know I shouldn't punish myself. I took the precautions, had STI tests done, asked guys about this stuff before doing the deed, but I still got it. It is a life long thing I will have to deal with. It just makes me feel so dirty. In my future, i will feel obliged to tell potential sex partners about it, so they can decide whether to go forward or not. My boyfriend said he didn't care. I got mad at him, because this is something to care about. I told him to read all he could about it. He did. He understands now that it isn't some little thing. We have no idea if I passed it to him, only time will tell I guess. But the herpes, the recurrent bladder infections, the depression are all building up, or actually tearing down the strong wall I created the better part of the year. Recently, a mutual friend told me that my boyfriend told a friend that if I broke up with him again, he could never be friends with me. I get that. I do. But now I feel trapped. I am in a relationship with someone who is driving me crazy. I am not healthy for him, I am mean and bossy around him. He is taking it well, he says he is getting stressed from some of it, but he is fine. At this point, I feel like I should keep disappointing him so he will break up with me... but who would break up with their depressed girlfriend, who took their virginity? No one. Hence why I feel trapped. I want to say I like him, but I don't believe it. His laugh makes me mad, his touch makes me feel insecure. I know I need to break up with him, but I don't know if I am ready to lose him. I don't know anything right now. I am at a complete loss. I hate having to be the friend or family member that is complaining all the time but I just can't handle it anymore. I just can't. I need help. Support from people who aren't driving me crazy.
I just wish I could go back to the first part of the year and relive it. I am miserable now.
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