Gave up
Kenny, I miss you so so much. It's so hard to believe that you aren't ever
coming home to me. I am having such a hard time dealing with you leaving me.
I know you didn't want to leave. We put up quite a fight to keep you here for
us. I thank God everyday that I was given the opportunity to be able to
know what real love is with you.Not everyone knows what a wonderful feeling
it is to love and be loved . You and I grew so much together. We quit smoking
together. We were so proud that we were able to kick the habit. Unfortunateley
we waited too late. I got emphysema and you got bladder cancer. We thought
that we could fight your cancer,but it didn't work out like that. Our lives changed so
much. You always took care of me,and know I was trying to take care of you. You
kept saying that you were so lucky to have me,and I was your rock. Kenny, I let
you down,and I let myself down for not taking care of you the way I should have.
Every one says I did every thing I could have done, I think there is more I
could have done for you. I am so sorry that I let us down.
I have tried to meet new friends on Inspirational websites. And I haven't been
able to find any friends yet. I have written to a couple and they write back. Nothing
really comes out of it. I think some of the reason we live so far apart.
Whatever the reason is, I need you to be here with me.
I am giving up on meeting new friends . I don't think anyone really wants to have
anything to do with me, not really. Some send me hugs,and other websites it
is basically the same thing. In other words , these are all great website's with
great people going through the same thing. I just can't get anyone to want
to connect with me. And that's okay Kenny, I need you. We will be together
soon. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. I am so lost without you.
Your Girl ,
Dee Dee
coming home to me. I am having such a hard time dealing with you leaving me.
I know you didn't want to leave. We put up quite a fight to keep you here for
us. I thank God everyday that I was given the opportunity to be able to
know what real love is with you.Not everyone knows what a wonderful feeling
it is to love and be loved . You and I grew so much together. We quit smoking
together. We were so proud that we were able to kick the habit. Unfortunateley
we waited too late. I got emphysema and you got bladder cancer. We thought
that we could fight your cancer,but it didn't work out like that. Our lives changed so
much. You always took care of me,and know I was trying to take care of you. You
kept saying that you were so lucky to have me,and I was your rock. Kenny, I let
you down,and I let myself down for not taking care of you the way I should have.
Every one says I did every thing I could have done, I think there is more I
could have done for you. I am so sorry that I let us down.
I have tried to meet new friends on Inspirational websites. And I haven't been
able to find any friends yet. I have written to a couple and they write back. Nothing
really comes out of it. I think some of the reason we live so far apart.
Whatever the reason is, I need you to be here with me.
I am giving up on meeting new friends . I don't think anyone really wants to have
anything to do with me, not really. Some send me hugs,and other websites it
is basically the same thing. In other words , these are all great website's with
great people going through the same thing. I just can't get anyone to want
to connect with me. And that's okay Kenny, I need you. We will be together
soon. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. I am so lost without you.
Your Girl ,
Dee Dee
Replies
De Dee, Reading this journal takes me back to very close after I lost my sweet Greg. I think I HAVE written this word for word. Greg also, told anyone who would listen that I saved his life. But I DIDN\'T in my thinking. He died, and I FAILED. I KNOW exactly how you are feeling sweetie. I struggled with guilt over all that I should have would have could have, for so long, and now I can say through the help I received here, from the wonderful friendships I have made, AND YOU WILL TOO, that now I am more like you also said, greatful for his love, and the gift it brought to not only my life, but my kids lives and his kids lives.
Please KNOW you ARE among friends who care, and UNDERSTAND on a very knowing level. I would consider it an honor to be a friend if you will have me? Sedning love, and hugs of UNDERSTANDING and friendship diane
Dee Dee, I have been feeling the same guilt that you are feeling. I watched my husband literally fade away. He was skin and bone by the time he passed on and had been on a feeding tube for several weeks. He came home from hospital and it was totally my responsibility to keep him alive with the tube and drugs. I would get so tired doing it all by myself 24hours a day that sometimes I would be a cranky at the situation. I wish that I had spent every last minute holding him and comforting him. I do believe it\'s normal to feel this guilt from everything I\'ve read but it still doesn\'t make it go away. The what ifs never stop running through my head.
I also think the loneliness is normal. Nobody really understands what we are going through unless they\'ve been through it themselves. I often feel so lonely and I worry that the friends and family I do have will get tired of me always being so sad. I can\'t pretend to be happy when there is nothing but sadness inside me. We\'ve lost our best friends, the ones who truly knew us and were always there to comfort and give advice and to help with all those big decisions in life. Every now and then when I think I\'m never going to be able to get through this alone the lyrics \"I am women hear me roar\" play in my head and I feel a little bit more strength.
Go and ROAR....we can do it even though some days it feels like we can\'t and don\'t even want to.
Jxx