Garden Tending
Just sorta realized that if my husband and I had followed my grandmother's advice, we'd both be in a better place.
She told me that marriage was a garden that needed daily tending - and to find joy in the task of tending it. (She was way more eloquent but I think that gives the idea.)
Lately a lot of my own "infidelities" have come up - I had no idea that I was even having affairs. Constantly. In one argument, my husband screamed, "You're so f*cking mad at me for cheating but you always have had someone else!" I was stunned. WTF? I'm not the one who cheated!
Or was I?
First, let me say that it pisses me off when we're discussing how I feel about something that he has/hasn't done and he twists it around and plays the, "If you had/hadn't then I would/wouldn't have!" It was amazing I could even hear what he said after such a big accusation, but I guess because it was so startlingly huge, it gave me pause to hear what his claim was going to be.
He explained that I didn't confide in him. He explained that if I was upset or scared or sad or frustrated or mad or worried I would chat with friends online or call people on the phone or go out to lunch with friends. Sometimes male friends, sometimes female friends, but the result was the same. I was meeting my needs, but I was stealing the opportunity from him to meet them.
To be fair, any "negative" emotion I express cause violent anger in him. He starts feeling frustrated and gets tangled up in this weird push/pull where logically he knows what I'm saying isn't his fault but emotionally he feels like it's his responsibility to make me happy so he's somehow letting me down and because of the conflict, he hits an emotional brick wall and then his frustration leads to the secondary emotion of anger. He has literally punched in walls and torn down doors when I have expressed feelings of sorrow and depression. HOW IS THAT HELPFUL TO ME?
But just as he chose to step outside of our marriage - so did I - just in a different way. He could have begged me to go to counseling or told me that he was unhappy - but so could I. OK... again, to be fair, several years ago I DID beg him to go and was refused... but I could have persisted or tried other methods. I gave up. I went back to my old habits of having other people meet my needs.
I don't think there's anything innately wrong with me talking to my friends about my feelings, but now that we've been talking, yeah, it is pretty screwed up that my friends always know more about me - and my marriage - than my husband does. I stopped tending the garden because I found fertile ground elsewhere. I did always have "someone else" - it just wasn't a romantic someone else.
In order to "tend the garden" I have made efforts toward friendship that I have not made since early on in our relationship. (Prior to marriage, even.) When something good/fun/exciting happens, I make a point of telling the huz first before I share with anyone else. If something tickles my funny bone, I make sure I share it with him first even if it's just via email or text because he's busy at work. When I need to convey a difficult emotion, I will wait until I know he's in a more receptive mood and I will say, "I need you to practice your best listening..."
He still reaches his limits pretty quickly but it has gotten MUCH better. A recent text message conversation example:
Me: I feel like I have been supportive of your career. I feel like I have been giving and understanding in a lot of ways. I feel like I filled in the gaps that your career created at home and with the kids.
Me: That you had the affair at work with someone from work feels like a double betrayal. It's why work stuff is so triggering.
Me: Before you'd be late and maybe I would be disappointed or frustrated, but I'd pick up the slack and deal with it. I would take the kids to and from when you had promised to or I'd swallow my loneliness.
Him: I hear you.
Me: You abused that trust and support. You left me to deal with the hardships of our suffering children who didn't even understand why they were suffering. (None of us knew why you were away so much!) You left me to deal with my failing health alone in favor of time and affection and money spent on someone else.
Me: That hurts so much.
Him: Allora, I hear you. I am sorry. I screwed up and I regret the choices I made. I can see why you would feel so much pain and betrayal.
Him: I understand. I am trying to prove to you that you are who I desire. Love. Want. I am so sorry that I screwed up that trust. You have been supportive and I will always appreciate that.
Me: Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for talking to me and listening to me. I know this is so hard for you. I feel better if I can pick out every single thorn, though. It is the only way I will feel safe again.
Him: Baby girl, I want to hold you tight. I will in the morning. I'm sorry I let you down.
It was one of the most productive conversations we've had in a long time. He let me just emotionally puke. He did not correct me or tell me I was wrong for feeling the way I did. I did not run to someone else to talk about how betrayed I felt. He listened. He reassured me. I thanked him for listening and acknowledged that this was hard on him.
I wonder if this is how "everyone else" converses naturally? We sure as heck never have.
It is nice becoming friends with him again. He recently said very sadly, "I wish I could be your best friend." I paused and responded with just as much heartbreak, "I do, too." Maybe we can make this happen after all?
We are learning to find joy in each other again, but it is hard. Just when the teeter totter reaches high points (like the above conversation) I find myself plummeting downward and smashing into the ground butt first. But that, as they say, is another story. (A post for another day.)
She told me that marriage was a garden that needed daily tending - and to find joy in the task of tending it. (She was way more eloquent but I think that gives the idea.)
Lately a lot of my own "infidelities" have come up - I had no idea that I was even having affairs. Constantly. In one argument, my husband screamed, "You're so f*cking mad at me for cheating but you always have had someone else!" I was stunned. WTF? I'm not the one who cheated!
Or was I?
First, let me say that it pisses me off when we're discussing how I feel about something that he has/hasn't done and he twists it around and plays the, "If you had/hadn't then I would/wouldn't have!" It was amazing I could even hear what he said after such a big accusation, but I guess because it was so startlingly huge, it gave me pause to hear what his claim was going to be.
He explained that I didn't confide in him. He explained that if I was upset or scared or sad or frustrated or mad or worried I would chat with friends online or call people on the phone or go out to lunch with friends. Sometimes male friends, sometimes female friends, but the result was the same. I was meeting my needs, but I was stealing the opportunity from him to meet them.
To be fair, any "negative" emotion I express cause violent anger in him. He starts feeling frustrated and gets tangled up in this weird push/pull where logically he knows what I'm saying isn't his fault but emotionally he feels like it's his responsibility to make me happy so he's somehow letting me down and because of the conflict, he hits an emotional brick wall and then his frustration leads to the secondary emotion of anger. He has literally punched in walls and torn down doors when I have expressed feelings of sorrow and depression. HOW IS THAT HELPFUL TO ME?
But just as he chose to step outside of our marriage - so did I - just in a different way. He could have begged me to go to counseling or told me that he was unhappy - but so could I. OK... again, to be fair, several years ago I DID beg him to go and was refused... but I could have persisted or tried other methods. I gave up. I went back to my old habits of having other people meet my needs.
I don't think there's anything innately wrong with me talking to my friends about my feelings, but now that we've been talking, yeah, it is pretty screwed up that my friends always know more about me - and my marriage - than my husband does. I stopped tending the garden because I found fertile ground elsewhere. I did always have "someone else" - it just wasn't a romantic someone else.
In order to "tend the garden" I have made efforts toward friendship that I have not made since early on in our relationship. (Prior to marriage, even.) When something good/fun/exciting happens, I make a point of telling the huz first before I share with anyone else. If something tickles my funny bone, I make sure I share it with him first even if it's just via email or text because he's busy at work. When I need to convey a difficult emotion, I will wait until I know he's in a more receptive mood and I will say, "I need you to practice your best listening..."
He still reaches his limits pretty quickly but it has gotten MUCH better. A recent text message conversation example:
Me: I feel like I have been supportive of your career. I feel like I have been giving and understanding in a lot of ways. I feel like I filled in the gaps that your career created at home and with the kids.
Me: That you had the affair at work with someone from work feels like a double betrayal. It's why work stuff is so triggering.
Me: Before you'd be late and maybe I would be disappointed or frustrated, but I'd pick up the slack and deal with it. I would take the kids to and from when you had promised to or I'd swallow my loneliness.
Him: I hear you.
Me: You abused that trust and support. You left me to deal with the hardships of our suffering children who didn't even understand why they were suffering. (None of us knew why you were away so much!) You left me to deal with my failing health alone in favor of time and affection and money spent on someone else.
Me: That hurts so much.
Him: Allora, I hear you. I am sorry. I screwed up and I regret the choices I made. I can see why you would feel so much pain and betrayal.
Him: I understand. I am trying to prove to you that you are who I desire. Love. Want. I am so sorry that I screwed up that trust. You have been supportive and I will always appreciate that.
Me: Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for talking to me and listening to me. I know this is so hard for you. I feel better if I can pick out every single thorn, though. It is the only way I will feel safe again.
Him: Baby girl, I want to hold you tight. I will in the morning. I'm sorry I let you down.
It was one of the most productive conversations we've had in a long time. He let me just emotionally puke. He did not correct me or tell me I was wrong for feeling the way I did. I did not run to someone else to talk about how betrayed I felt. He listened. He reassured me. I thanked him for listening and acknowledged that this was hard on him.
I wonder if this is how "everyone else" converses naturally? We sure as heck never have.
It is nice becoming friends with him again. He recently said very sadly, "I wish I could be your best friend." I paused and responded with just as much heartbreak, "I do, too." Maybe we can make this happen after all?
We are learning to find joy in each other again, but it is hard. Just when the teeter totter reaches high points (like the above conversation) I find myself plummeting downward and smashing into the ground butt first. But that, as they say, is another story. (A post for another day.)
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