gaining clarity
i had to cancel my therapy appointment at the last minute yesterday due to a work issue, i was a little irritated because of the nature of the situation, oh well...... my biggest problem, though right now is my parents. aging, starting to make really poor choices about their health and safety, not willing to meet my sister and i part way or letting us help them out in a reasonable way. ugh.
now, here comes the difficult part of this entry: (forgive the ramble) when i entered therapy (for the 3rd) time last fall because of my codependency issues, the focus quickly shifted to my upbringing. i realized that my parents, most notably mother, were emotionally and verbally abusive and the memories i have happened just the way i remember them. i am not over dramatizing or being too sensitive. in order to feel loved and accepted, i needed to "behave" and "be a good girl", but being a good girl is impossible. expectations can never be met if you want to be yourself. i became a people pleaser and never really knew what love was. these issues came with me into my marriage and were blended into my spouse's own brand of dysfunction YOWSERS!!!!
i have always felt as if i exist on the periphery of my family, like the black sheep ,so to speak. but i also clearly remember that moment of clarity in young adulthood when i knew that to achieve the unconditional love and acceptance of mommy (and therefore daddy) i would have to sell my soul. if i chose autonomy i would deal with the consequences. well those consequences have been difficult!!!! but i did it.now that they are getting older and losing their filters i am once again finding myself somewhat of kilter with them. so i am drawing on lessons learned and experience and hopefully some wisdom so i can maintain a healthy detachment while attempting to keep them safe and well. (wow i am more spent right now than i thought, i was just "firm" with a co-worker.......and not a nice person either......) more consequences for keeping boundaries. lol-time for a vacation or something?????
now, here comes the difficult part of this entry: (forgive the ramble) when i entered therapy (for the 3rd) time last fall because of my codependency issues, the focus quickly shifted to my upbringing. i realized that my parents, most notably mother, were emotionally and verbally abusive and the memories i have happened just the way i remember them. i am not over dramatizing or being too sensitive. in order to feel loved and accepted, i needed to "behave" and "be a good girl", but being a good girl is impossible. expectations can never be met if you want to be yourself. i became a people pleaser and never really knew what love was. these issues came with me into my marriage and were blended into my spouse's own brand of dysfunction YOWSERS!!!!
i have always felt as if i exist on the periphery of my family, like the black sheep ,so to speak. but i also clearly remember that moment of clarity in young adulthood when i knew that to achieve the unconditional love and acceptance of mommy (and therefore daddy) i would have to sell my soul. if i chose autonomy i would deal with the consequences. well those consequences have been difficult!!!! but i did it.now that they are getting older and losing their filters i am once again finding myself somewhat of kilter with them. so i am drawing on lessons learned and experience and hopefully some wisdom so i can maintain a healthy detachment while attempting to keep them safe and well. (wow i am more spent right now than i thought, i was just "firm" with a co-worker.......and not a nice person either......) more consequences for keeping boundaries. lol-time for a vacation or something?????
Replies
haha maybe just some ice cream.