gone

One month ago I decided to make a drastic change in my life. Although temporary, it is heavy in significance. I moved out of state, away from everything I've ever known. Only one of my friends clearly understood my reasons. To everyone else, it was a confusing change. But my reasons are real in my heart, in my mind I see the importance and the need that I had to do this. So really, how concerned should I be about the opinions of others. This change is completely about me and what I need at this point in my life. Anyone with bipolar can completely agree that knowing yourself can be a challenge. Questions like "how can I tell the difference between my symptoms and my personality?" and "can I really mend the part of me that was broken because of bipolar?" I needed time and space to think clearly and find direction. Although my bipolar mind comes along with me everywhere that I go, a change in my external environment is therapeutic. Away from the people who have seen my episodes, I feel like here I can reinvent myself into the person that was in development before being struck with bipolar. Five years ago I was on my way to starting my own life. But bipolar misdirected me, and I lost myself. Every aspect of my life was affected negatively, and now, in my newfounded stability, it seems like I finally have the chance to be who I want to be and take back my life that was put on hold, or on pause. The man I love was the one most affected, and he's the past that I'm trying to restore. I realize now that he will never be out of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way,  as difficult as it can be. The night I told him that I was leaving, he said that I make him uncomfortable. And that night is flashbacking in my mind tonight. He said that he feels he's gotta be so careful around me, and honestly, I believed we were past that situation. All these years I thought he was the one that understood me the most, and who cared, but he spoke so much about the bad things that happened between us in the years past. I told him that if I, with a mood disorder, can let go of the past, I think he can too. He really didn't say anything about that. But I'm sure he had to agree. I can't restore our past alone. He's stuck back there, and I don't know how to bring him into today. So, this time away is better for him than for anyone else. I have my own changes inside of me that I need to organize. Stability did not come easily, and being there in my hometown was, trying to keep me down to the things that I just want to forget and start over with. And I can't have a new beginning without a new view on life. And that was my overall reason to leave. I need to grow, mature, and figure out who I really am and who I want to be. I hope someone out there understands. And I pray that I don't sound juvenile. I keep telling my dad that what I'm going through is a transition that should have happened when I was in my late teenage and early adult years. But that is the exact time that my symptoms started. I have the opportunity now to regain my life, wouldn't you do what you can to make it successful? As much as it hurts to not see him, I know that when I return, I hope, I will be someone new to him, and it will be a step forward. Without saying a word to him, I think he's happier this way. As for me, it's unfair, because I love him so deeply and in the most real way. -offbalance