Futile

This will likely be my last journal entry here because no one ever reads them, and I'm getting nothing from this site other than being entertained by the trolls.
 
I've never been more frustrated than I am today. And that frustration is multiplied by the fact that I am not sure if my frustration is caused by my depression or if it's justified.
 
I've been spending so much time with my parents that a lot of bad memories are coming back to me. For one thing, I hate being around ignorant people. If someone has a low IQ or is not well read, I don't mind at all. I've got close friends who can't do simple math but I love them. But ignorance really, really pisses me off. And that's what my immediate family is. If they stood out in the pouring rain and I told them that was the reason they are wet, they would not believe me. Not just argue with me, but they would actually know in their hearts that they are right, and I am wrong. It's been like that my whole life. I remember when I was in grade school I came home the day I finally put everything all together in my mind and realized what I wanted to do with my life. I ran in the house and excitedly announced, "Mom! I am going to go to college and be a scientist!" She continued what she was doing and in a very sarcastic manner said, "HA! You are, are you? Well...hahaha! Good luck with that!" This was not an isolated incident. I can't ever remember being encouraged. I never heard I did good in sports even. I remember a couple of uncles saying, "You played a great game tonight" and then my parents would always say, "well he doesn't score like you did when you played. I think he should quit if that's as good as he can do."
 
I also remember the beatings. If the subject comes up today, my dad says nothing. My mother will say, "Yeah everyone did that back then. You kids was lucky!"  Recently, in front of my daughters I said, "Was I lucky the time you bragged to everyone about how you made the blood run down my legs? You know, I kinda went numb during severe beatings. After the first could smacks across the back of the legs with the stiff wire handle of a flyswatter, the pain never got worse. 10 smacks was no worse than one. What hurt was you bragging to everyone about how you 'taught me a lesson' about how you made me bleed. I was embarrassed when I heard you brag to people about that. That still hurts me today. What kind of twisted mind takes pleasure in cutting a kid til they bleed?"
 
But, what frustrates me now is how I worked a life time to become what I am, and they don't see it, understand it, they are not proud of it, and refuse to admit I did well. This has been apparent to me so many times, and it became obvious to other family members recently when my father remodeled their bathroom. My father has never involved me with anything. So since I was living with my parents, and since a friend hired me to remodel a mansion she bought, I thought maybe this time I could be considered an asset. But he only wanted his redneck drinking buddies to help and I was not allowed to have any input. The entire project turned out disastrous, and the most obvious screw up is their sink. It's a pedestal type sink, really beautiful, pure white, maybe what I would have picked out. It does not match the new bone colored commode, or the new ivory colored shower, but that's what you get when you turn 3 rednecks loose in Lowes with a credit card. But the idiots installed it like rednecks. They ran the water lines and drain OUTSIDE of the pedestal! It looks like hell, but what's worse, they will not admit that it does, or that they did it wrong, or that I know how to install it correctly. Today I just erupted with anger when I heard my mother discussing it with my sister. It was at least the 10th time I have heard her lie about why the lines are on the outside of the pedestal. I couldn't take it any more. The conversation was so ridiculous! It went like this....
"The waterlines had to be on the outside because...um...this is an old house."
"NO mother, they do not! This is a new floor they installed. Those are new holes. They could have drilled them anywhere they wanted."
"No they couldn't"
"WHY COULDN'T THEY?!"
"Because this is an old house. those are old lines."
"NO! They are brand new lines! The fucking price tags are still on them!"
"That doesn't matter, they won't fit in that pedestal"
"Yes they will! Why would someone manufacture a pedestal sink that you couldn't run water lines into?"
"Well I don't know. All I know is this is how it had to be installed."
"AHHH! NO! It did not have to be installed that way! Why would you even argue this with me? I'm a fucking engineer! I'm close to getting my masters degree in engineering. I've installed dozens of sinks and several pedestal sinks!"
"That doesn't matter. The drain was too big..."
"NO!! That is new piping. The floor is new, new holes in the floor, new water lines! Who the fuck do you think you're fooling when you lie like that?"
 
I don't regret one thing I said, I don't regret making her look foolish, or the foul language. A person would have had to earn my respect for me to regret that. What I do regret is becoming so upset and raising my voice. I should have kept a cool head and said the exact same things. But it's not about a silly sink, you see? It's about a lifetime of being degraded.

Replies

awakendwoman
awakendwoman

(hugssss)))))) YOu certainly have your frustrations and cant say I blame you. Being degraded constantly really has a long time effect. I certainly hope you find some counseling that may help with all that you feel.

As for no one reading your journals, well, i am sure they do. Sometimes people just are not sure in how to respond or even maybe afraid to. either way, journals are a safe place to vent, so do them for yourself and not for others. Depression is no fun and sounds like you have been dealing with it for quite sometime. I do apologize for not beong on so much, but there is only so much negativity I can deal with on this site and i tell ya, it seems to be everywhere.

I hope you find some good things to do for yourself. Take some time and do the things you want to do and screw what others think. Its your life, and you have the right to be happy in what ever that makes you happy. If others doubt it, well, its because they have insecurities themselves. Stay strong and remember you are not alone and are perfectly ok..... You just need to have an outlet for what is building inside ya!!!! (((hugsss))))