Funny looking back on life sometimes!

Here I am, 51 years old.  I have 3 failed marriages under my belt.  In all three I tried SO hard to keep things together.  The last one hurt because I TRIED and TRIED to hold on to it.  But unfortunately after years of watching an alcoholic self destruct, love fades.  Heck I even held on after he cheated on me!  I worked through that, or so I thought.  But in the end no matter how hard you might try to work past cheating.  Its always there!  It always stays in the back of your mind.  From that point on the marriage is NEVER the same!  They are never the same person you thought you married after they betray you that completely.  In my case, I even know for a fact the alcohol played a major role.  But in the end, while I understood how it happened.  I even understood that it had very little to do with me and more to do with his own lack of self respect and self esteem.  While that allowed me to forgive him, which I did fully.  It did NOT allow me to forget it.  It was like a part of my heart left that day and never fully returned.  Then when you add on the other smaller lies and betrayals that certainly follow when you are living with an addict.  In the end, one day I no longer was in love with him.  I had lost all respect for him and found myself in a place where I loved him and cared about him and what happened to him. I certainly did not love him as I should love my husband.  

So I left him finally.  I actually expect it to be hard and to be so upset after.  I mean I just left the person I truly expected to live with for the rest of my life.  This was a man I fought so hard for so long to stick with and love!  Instead when I left him, I felt like a thousand pounds lifted off my shoulders!  I felt truly free for the first time in my life!!!!  I had left before and when I did, I cried for days!  I was lonely and hurt so deeply.  But not this time.  This time I just felt free!  I felt like I had been carrying this man for so long I forgot what it felt like not to.  

I have Lupus with a lot of complications from it.  So I had no choice but to move in with my mom.  Social security can only carry you so far!  That was hard and it felt like a gigantic step backward.  But even with that, I still felt happy!  

Since then I have actually enjoyed my life.  I mean for the first time in my life, I feel so happy and like I am not dreading the next day.  I am actually happy with my own company now instead of it feeling lonely or awkward and needing to go somewhere or be with someone.  I feel no need to have a relationship at all!  There are certainly things I regret and feel like I wish had turned out differently.  It sucks to realize that I will probably never feel that that kind of love again.  I hate that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.  But I also realize that I have a lot of great qualities and abilities.  Unfortunatly, the one thing I am really BAD at is picking romantic partners!  I am sure it is partly due to my childhood and the things that happened to me when I was very young.  As well as not having my father in my life consistantly when I was growing up.  Regardless of the reason, I am apparently incapable of finding a person that is not screwed up in son real way!  I end up enabling them and thinking I can help them, only to be really angry with them later that I have to do that!!  So when I consider this real issue for me, being alone is the best thing.  Lonely at times, but most of all I am happier than I have been in 33 years!  So obviously better off!