Full, uncomfortable, frustrated.
I tried to eat a normal meal today, I ate an entire breast of grilled chicken with cheese/sauce on top. BAD IDEA!!! My stomach hurts and its not letting up. I took 6 laxatives and still, nothing is helping. Not sure if I take more if it will finally help. I feel 20lbs heavier than yesterday. All over 1 meal. I need to get back to eating small portions throughout the day. I just get so scared every time I eat that I will overeat, and gain weight fast. I feel so ashamed and out of control when I eat. So I try not to eat. But some days I feel weak and my chest hurts and it scares me. But after I eat, it never feels worth it. It feels terrible.
Replies
Your last sentence has me concerned. Have you a had doc evaluate your chest pains? Or do the pains come w/ your anxious feelings? Sorry you\'re struggling with weakness. I\'m also sorry it hurts you to eat regular meals, could you stick w/ eating something like an apple, then maybe something else when you get hints to? Potentially dumb question=does Pepto Bismol ever help? Please try to take care of and be nice to yourself.
I see a doc once a month. I\'ll mention it to her. I\'m okay. My labs were good on the last visit. No worries. Sorry I said something to concern you. I need to do as you suggest and just eat small portions. Most days I can do that, eat little to nothing. But some days, i\'m just hungry, and I feel out of control and like I can\'t stop. Its aweful. I need to work on moderation, rather than this restrict/binge/purge pattern. Will keep trying.
I realized I am fighting for my ED not against it. Defending it, at all costs. Willing to jeopardize everything to \"feel accomplished, satisfied, thin, successful, etc.\" I must have hope in recovery, otherwise I don\'t know why I would post on this site. But I don\'t want to take others down with me. Maybe I need to stop posting? Hoping I haven\'t triggered anyone into relapse. Please know its not something I\'m proud of, or would wish on anyone. As you know, its lonely, miserable, and it sucks and I hope you do what you need to do to stay in recovery. Best wishes to you all.
Don\'t stop posting, I don\'t think you\'re taking anyone down with you. People have choices as what to read and what not to read, I think if you do trigger they\'ll just hit \'ignore\'. Just keep trying to eat when you can for now, and go with that. I don\'t think anyone expects you to do more than you\'re able at this point. Good luck today. I may not get on as much today, as I haven\'t been doing too good about writing in my paper journal and stress is building AND my internet connection isn\'t working so well; in my friend\'s room on my computer.
Well done on trying hard to eat normally. Its a shame that the chicken and sauce left you feeling bad. I believe your aim of eating small portions throughout the day is really good and I hope that youre body will get better at digestion again.
I agree don\'t stop posting .....you must know ...that taking laxatives all the time can cause problems ..just as ...bringing up your food all the time ...will hurt your throught cause damage there ............I ....use to have that problem ..of Bing eating ....but I. relized I did it when things were bothering me ...or if I was lolnly......and ....I hurt my throught one day so I decided that was it ..i wasent doing that any more and if I did I was just going to have to live with the consequences .......and that is how I stoped .........your story is a lot harder ..I think .....I think that ...over filling your self ....is uncomfortable ....but you also shrink your stomic ...if you denie your self food all the time ...so eating small ..meals ...more often is the best way ....an apple can be one ....nuts ..for a nother ...that pice of chicken all at one time was to much so just cut that portion into smaller pices ...and spread it out throught the day ....but ...you just can\'t eat next to nothing ...and be feeling weak ....I was not proud of what I was doing at the time eather and took years to be able to talk about it ....just from what I have read ..about ..your problem ..it is similar in a way to depreshion in that ..a depresed person will look in the mirrior and think belive they look ugly .....and when you look on the mirrior ...you just can\'t louse enought weaight ....get rid of the mirrors ..and the ...way scale ......eat those small meals ...at least 5 a day .....healthy ..food ....with the most ....vitamins ..in them ....check your self in a ..month ..see ..what ..the out come is .....just an idea ....I do know I have no idea about what I am talking about ........have you talked ...we need to talk ..everything that has ever hurt us needs .to come out ...if we want to begin to heal ...I will keep you in my prayers ...take very good care of your self ..be kind to your self .....God bless ..
Muskrattiger, I just saw this reply. Thank you! I have been doing better eating smaller portions most of the time. Its just hard when my mom cooks and expects me to eat a \"regular\" meal. She doesn\'t understand, and I do it to please her, which leads me to using laxatives to compensate. I will continue to do my best to get the nutrients I need. I definitely understand looking in the mirror and seeing all my flaws, and desperately hating myself. I hope one day I can make peace with me, but its difficult to see beyond what I see in the mirror. Not sure why I want to desperately dissapear, probably because I can\'t tolerate living anymore. It feels good to know I\'m fading into nothingness. Losing weight until I no longer can function. Thats not the case currently, but I think I have an obsession with harming myself to this extent. I guess a form of suicide. But I\'m fighting it every day. For my daughter. My mom. I just want to be happy and end this battle with self-hatred. Thanks for reading my journal. Hugs!!!