Full Moon

My therapist has told me that journaling is very important for me at this point, as it will enable me to chronicle my growth (or lack thereof). It will also, and already has, allow me to look back at events, my husband's behaviors, and actual time references, for clarification purposes and to keep me on track if he tries to change history. Since things have been status-quo for several weeks i have not followed thru on this but since it is the full moon it is as good a day as any to write down some thoughts.... Since he is  on the last phase of weaned down pain med. dosage the supply will dry up in about a week or so.  Then we will see just how well he can handle being substance free. His counselor is away and will be available to him around this time so that is a positive.  MY greatest concern is that realistically he will never be completely pain free and needs to learn some other means to cope.  Relationship-wise we seem okay, he has responded to most of my requests, and i stop all discussions/arguments cold if i see us slipping into old bad patterns. (this is very hard for me because i slip into a freaky low self esteem thing AND i like to be right!) I force myself to walk away so we can both re-group. I try then to sort out my feelings, am "doing" codependence? Is he "doing" addict?  Are we simply in a long term relationship argument? For so long i was so angry and hurt that,to me, nothing he said or did had any merit, since he has agreed to my demands and boundaries and is making progress i need to find a way to be smart and fair at the same time.
This part is about me: this last week has been upsetting in other ways for me. Regular day to day stuff, got sick, good friend breaking up w/ boyfriend, another (needy) friend fighting w/ bf and got fired (for the 2nd or 3rd time in 8 yrs), my godson in icu ( which leads to stress within the family involving my parents and sisters) one of my sons very underemployed and very sad about it etc. I try to be there for everyone all the time and feel somewhat guilty when i feel used up and underappreciated. LOL codependent personality leaking into every aspect of my life! so i make some me time and get my hair done...what the f** happens? i spend some of the salon time on the phone listening to a friend cry... now these people have been there for me when i cry.......  i am even more reluctant to ask for help because i never want to be that needy (and annoying) Just writing this down, in this appropriate way FILLS  me with guilt.  But i need to STOP trying to fix everything, and set boundaries w/ friends too.  I do not need to pick up every phone call, especially when i know who it is, what the problem will still be, and i am not feeling like i can cope. How many hours can i listen to the same shit? I don't expect that of friends because it is immature and inappropriate.   OK stopping that rant.   Now I need to act on this.  by the next full moon i will be one cycle improved!