Full Circle
Well it's high time I wrote a journal entry - I enjoy reading all of yours and learn from each and every one of you! Thank you all for being here.
Some of you may remember how heart-broken I was after selling my home. It was a bad decision. Even though I waited the requisite year after my husband passed away (in 2010) selling the house was a mistake. My reasons were that it was too big, too far from my children (only 30- 40 minute drive, but it seemed a long way), too much to look after in that painful first year. And I thought a fresh start would be just what I needed.
First step was to move to a rental condo. My plan was to be closer to my children, but I needed time to find something I liked. Moving away from the familiar was traumatic and I wanted to find a home like the one I had sold.
What I came to realize was that the houses in the area where my children lived were expensive. I could not find something comparable to what I just left behind - and an even greater "lightbulb moment" was when I realized that children are Busy. They have their own lives and while I was certainly part of their lives (included in their activities, as well as babysitting), I still felt like an outsider. Still had that hole in my life where David used to be.
Life Lesson: as much as I love my children and grandchildren, I can't depend on them to fill the empty spaces in my life. Any more than I would have filled that vast emptiness in one of my parents.
When my lease was up, I found a small house back in the country not far from where I used to live. But I hated it there! It just wasn't like my old house. The neighbourhood was not as nice either. Oh there were good things. I lived close to a duck pond and when the grands came to visit, could take them to feed the ducks. There were farms close by as well and we patted the horses and laughed at the pigs' antics.
I stayed there for 2 years and one day sat myself down for a good heart-to-heart talk. Are you happy here? No. They why stay? Because it's expensive to move. So? What's the price of happiness? Hmmmm. Where do I go? Back to where my children are (but didn't you learn that they can't be your whole life? Well maybe I was wrong).
So I began to search all over again. And could not find anything suitable. By this time I was beginning to panic. Felt as if I was going round and round in circles. I was having trouble sleeping, could not make a decision about anything and was beginning to wonder if I was going crazy. Couldn't I make my life work? Couldn't I even find a house to live in? What was wrong with me???
The more I searched, the more stressed I became. Then one morning I was sitting in the backyard, sipping my coffee. Daughter and husband were at work and the kids at summer camp, so I was alone. I felt tense, jittery, tied up in knots.
"Whoa," I told myself. "Calm, Relax. Stop fighting. How can you allow good things into your life if you're stressed all the time?" I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax, to let go and allow whatever to be to be. In other words, I was surrendering to God, the Universe, or whatever. And in that space of letting go, I began to feel an acceptance.
There was no way I could find a house in the area that I wanted. I needed to accept that. The suburbs are busier, pace of life faster, and even though I thought this would be good for me - it just didn't fit.
My head was saying "get out there with the younger crowd, maybe find a part-time job, pump up your pace of life, even though the living conditions are not as nice."
My heart wanted to move back to my old house - knew that my old house was on the market and had been for over a year. The family who bought it from me decided they'd rather have that faster-paced lifestyle - they were fed up with the commute to work every day, and so put the house up for sale. Strange - nobody bought it - but then again - it was out in the semi-country.
Could I make this work? Sell my house and buy back my old one? Would the timing work? Would we agree on a price? Was this moving BACKWARD in life, rather than moving FORWARD?
Hem and haw - back and forth. Finally I just did it! Sold my house in 3 weeks for a good price. The timing did not work, and I had to store my belongings for 2 months and stay with my daughter for that length of time. Well it was summer - not so hard.
End of August and I was back in the house I lived in with David for 15 years. My Home! Where I belong! And it feels good!
So - full circle. And as the saying goes "sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone."
Some of you may remember how heart-broken I was after selling my home. It was a bad decision. Even though I waited the requisite year after my husband passed away (in 2010) selling the house was a mistake. My reasons were that it was too big, too far from my children (only 30- 40 minute drive, but it seemed a long way), too much to look after in that painful first year. And I thought a fresh start would be just what I needed.
First step was to move to a rental condo. My plan was to be closer to my children, but I needed time to find something I liked. Moving away from the familiar was traumatic and I wanted to find a home like the one I had sold.
What I came to realize was that the houses in the area where my children lived were expensive. I could not find something comparable to what I just left behind - and an even greater "lightbulb moment" was when I realized that children are Busy. They have their own lives and while I was certainly part of their lives (included in their activities, as well as babysitting), I still felt like an outsider. Still had that hole in my life where David used to be.
Life Lesson: as much as I love my children and grandchildren, I can't depend on them to fill the empty spaces in my life. Any more than I would have filled that vast emptiness in one of my parents.
When my lease was up, I found a small house back in the country not far from where I used to live. But I hated it there! It just wasn't like my old house. The neighbourhood was not as nice either. Oh there were good things. I lived close to a duck pond and when the grands came to visit, could take them to feed the ducks. There were farms close by as well and we patted the horses and laughed at the pigs' antics.
I stayed there for 2 years and one day sat myself down for a good heart-to-heart talk. Are you happy here? No. They why stay? Because it's expensive to move. So? What's the price of happiness? Hmmmm. Where do I go? Back to where my children are (but didn't you learn that they can't be your whole life? Well maybe I was wrong).
So I began to search all over again. And could not find anything suitable. By this time I was beginning to panic. Felt as if I was going round and round in circles. I was having trouble sleeping, could not make a decision about anything and was beginning to wonder if I was going crazy. Couldn't I make my life work? Couldn't I even find a house to live in? What was wrong with me???
The more I searched, the more stressed I became. Then one morning I was sitting in the backyard, sipping my coffee. Daughter and husband were at work and the kids at summer camp, so I was alone. I felt tense, jittery, tied up in knots.
"Whoa," I told myself. "Calm, Relax. Stop fighting. How can you allow good things into your life if you're stressed all the time?" I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax, to let go and allow whatever to be to be. In other words, I was surrendering to God, the Universe, or whatever. And in that space of letting go, I began to feel an acceptance.
There was no way I could find a house in the area that I wanted. I needed to accept that. The suburbs are busier, pace of life faster, and even though I thought this would be good for me - it just didn't fit.
My head was saying "get out there with the younger crowd, maybe find a part-time job, pump up your pace of life, even though the living conditions are not as nice."
My heart wanted to move back to my old house - knew that my old house was on the market and had been for over a year. The family who bought it from me decided they'd rather have that faster-paced lifestyle - they were fed up with the commute to work every day, and so put the house up for sale. Strange - nobody bought it - but then again - it was out in the semi-country.
Could I make this work? Sell my house and buy back my old one? Would the timing work? Would we agree on a price? Was this moving BACKWARD in life, rather than moving FORWARD?
Hem and haw - back and forth. Finally I just did it! Sold my house in 3 weeks for a good price. The timing did not work, and I had to store my belongings for 2 months and stay with my daughter for that length of time. Well it was summer - not so hard.
End of August and I was back in the house I lived in with David for 15 years. My Home! Where I belong! And it feels good!
So - full circle. And as the saying goes "sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone."
Replies
Looks like I forgot to change the emoticon (or whatever it\'s called) from sad to happy!
Wow! Quite a story! You sure took the round about way to find your peace! I\'m so happy you finally are were you need and are supposed to be! Reading the story I was thinking oh please buy your old house back! And you did! That\'s just terrific! I\'m so happy for you Wendy!
Loads of loves and congrats!
Darcie
Wendy so glad you are back where you belong. My best wishes for your peace. I\'m so happy for you.
WOWWWW!!!!! That is amazing! It sounds like you found the perfect answer, and I am so glad for you. You know, every widow I have known that moved to be closer to their kids said it was a mistake. The kids kind of park you on the doorstep so that you\'re handy for babysitting, but they can\'t fill the hole left behind. Sounds like you made the right move for the right reasons. Good for you! :) Love and Big Hugs, Martha
Thanks everyone. It was a process - and a learning experience. As for the kids - yes they kind of park you on the doorstep, but I don\'t feel bad about that. Their focus is on their own children, their careers, and lifestyle - just as mine was when I was younger.
It was when I was staying at my daughter\'s home. Everyone was out (parents at work, kids at camp), and I still felt lonely. So what exactly is the point of living close? Of course, family is everything and my grandkids have kept me from going insane - particularly those early years. But I think the \"lesson\" here is to make my own way in life. Fill the empty spaces myself with whatever works for me (volunteer work, friends, creative pursuits, travel) and just enjoy family when they are around.
Anyway - I know that for others, moving was the perfect answer. And I\'m happy for those who were courageous enough to pull up stakes, leave the familiar behind and make a new life for themselves!
Everyone has a different story. Blessings all!
Wendy I so enjoyed reading your journal. My grief counselor once told me your life is going to be full of trial and errors as you try to rebuild. The house story is a perfect example. I was lucky in that early on I knew I could not count on my daughter to fill the void in my life even though she lived with me but I would have to create a life of my own. I love my dgt to pieces but I needed to find my own life.
Now I am going to get a bit religious which makes some people uncomfortable. I tell you truly Wendy when I surrendered my worries to God and actually did it not just say I would do it life gradually started to become less confusing.
Wendy my friend you have also come a long way and I am so proud of it. Embrace each moment and love that Old house with all your heart. Many people told me I would have to sell my house to move forward. I thought to myself bullshit(excuse the language). I will create new memories in the house with the old memories that are still here. God bless. Gerry
Wendy I just had a funny thought. Maybe your husband was bothering the old owners so you could return home where you belong. That would explain the rush to sell the house for them lol. I am glad your home.
Hi Gerry, Not such a strange thought at all. After moving away from the house, I kept hoping the \"new people\" would hate it - they\'d hear \"ghosts\" or something and want to leave. I was flabbergasted one day while checking the \"house for sale\" ads to find MY HOME up for sale!!! OMG - did I push these nice people away???
Well, no - how could that possibly happen.
The other weird thing (that I did not write above) was that a week before David died, he asked me if I was going to sell the house. I was surprised as we\'d discussed it. I was definitely selling. That he would bring it up, puzzled me.
And when I was having a pedicure, there was a woman sitting beside me. We struck up a conversation. She was also a widow (8 years into it) and said it takes a good 5 years to begin to feel normal.
I told her about selling my house, and being torn about wanting to move back or \"getting on with life - moving forward\" and finding something else.
She said to me \"your husband wants you to move back.\" I thought she was crazy at the time. Well, not crazy, as I\'ve had intuitions and premonitions about other people as well. But strange coming from someone I didn\'t even know.
And after I bought the small house I didn\'t like, I thought - well that\'s just nuts. She was wrong. My husband was wrong. So why do I listen to things that look like \"messages\".
As we both know - I was wrong! So you\'re funny thought is not so funny after all.
And I fully agree with you - you don\'t have to move away to move on. This house has had changes and I had to buy new furniture, so basically looks the same, but the changes are evidence of \"moving on.\"
Blessings and thanks for your insightful comments.
Wendy, I\'m so glad that you have your home back. Sandy
bigbear and I had this talk about selling our house/home after he was gone, I checked into what rent would be, any place I\'d feel safe to live in was 2 to 3 times what I was paying in mortgage payments, so a no brainer...and he agreed. As far as lonely goes, yep...can be lonely in a room full of people as the one who means/meant the world to me is no longer here, except in my heart and mind....glad you got your house/home back. Good luck in what ever the future holds...hugs, Sandi