Fucking Titles, lemme just write
Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my grampa's death. For those of you who dont know he passed away September 22, 2007 from liver cancer, and it still hurts so badly. I spent yesterday crying, and hiding. Im so selfish, I want him back! But I can't have that. I don't get to sit and have any more conversations with him, I dont get to sit out on the porch and watch the birds, or just sit and relax. I don't get to watch him fiddle with a car, or build and fix something. I cry everytime I remember our last conversation... the very very last words I ever got to hear him say to me... still hurt so badly. Verbatim "What is the point in fighting this? I will still have diabetes, I have still have had heart bypasses, Ive broken my hip, and I'm wearing down. Whats the point in fighting cancer?" -hits floor- *thinks to self* I cant believe he just said that!! I know the "rule" is you're not supposed to cry in front of the dying, you're supposed to be strong for them. I failed that day. I hugged him, and ran into the house crying because I was so hurt he'd just said that, and couldn't believe that he was ACCEPTING death. Like I said.. selfish. So Selfish!!! On a different front.. Im still looking for a job, I'm working my ass off trying to get work!! In the past couple of days I have put in over 41 applications with so far 33 nos against me. Which is of course.... FRUSTRATING AS ALL FUCK!!!! Speaking of which... I haven't gotten the pleasure of sex lately either. Chippy says I need some time alone, and... maybe I do.. but DAMMIT!!! I don't like it, and don't have to like it. I miss him, not just cuddling, intimacy, kissing.... though, those are al GREAT things... I miss him. Enough about that though... Ty... what can I say about Ty that hasn't been said already? You know all of the excuses that "women" use? Nu uh! He's used them all though. Im 21, young, and full of fun.... whereas he's 31, unadventerous, lacks creativity, and passion in the bedroom!!!! He's supposed to be a LEO for christ's sake. ya know.. the LION in bed? Yah well this Lion, is more like a rollover and play dead POSSUM!!! Ok, I'm sorry.. I'm done.
Replies
im so sorry about your grandpa hun, I hope you feel better soon
I can really relate to your feelings about your grandpa. I lost my grandpa just 2 weeks before Christmas. One day we had been working on a project for my grandma for Christmas and he had a heart attack rite in front of me. When he died a week later in the hospital I had been at work on the night shift. I can remember that night like it was burned into my memory... how I pleaded to god and prayed that it was all a bad dream, and that I would wake up and he would still be alive. That behaviour is normal... as was yours... and is driven by our extreme love for them... not selfishness. All that I can say is that as each year passes it will get easier to take. It has been just about 14 years now since he died. I still occasionally cry when I think of him, but it is just a few tears now, instead of the gut wrenching sobs that used to come with his remembrance.
As far as the job goes... One day you will cross paths with the rite person, and when that happens you will find your job. I will pray for you that this happens soon.
HUGS!
Linda
Thank you. so much thank u
I\'M GLAD YOU COULD VENT TODAY. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU REALLY.... NEEDED TO. WHERE IN THE HELL DID THE \"RULE\" ABOUT NOT CRYING IN FRONT OF THE DYING COME FROM. WHEN MY GRANDFATHER ANNOUNCED TO THE FAMILY THAT HE HAD ABOUT 3 WEEKS TO LIVE. I FREAKED OUT, I BALLED AND CRIED. EVERYONE ELSE WAS SO... CALM., TALKING ABOUT THE DIAGNOSIS, THE MEDS, THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS HE WANTED. I REALLY... LOST IT. I SCREAMED AT THEM, \" HOW CAN YOU BE SO UNCARING, UNFEELING. THE MAN JUST SAID HE IS GOING TO DIE IN 3 WEEKS. WHAT IN THE @#$% IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!\" I THEN RAN OUT OF THE ROOM. I WILL NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT HORRIBLE DAY.
MAYBE TY NEEDS TO WATCH A FEW OF TOSE \"SPECIAL\" MOVIES TO GET SOME CREATIVE IDEAS AND GET HIS MOJO GOING!! DEBBIE
Not sure what to say,I\"m sorry. BUt I did read it and am thinking of you.
Take care,
HUGS
sending hugs sorry about ur grandfather
Barb
Thanks everyone, but Im absolutely.... in need. I need help, and guidance, and love... support... I need you guys now more than ever.
wowsa , I understand gramps n u r lucky u had him , my gramp that was still alive barely said hi to me , he was drunk all the time, i never had a grampa worth having , I wish my other gramp n gramma lived longer
AWWWW BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS HEART!!!!!
Honey, my heart truly goes out to you!!! I KNOW yur pain!!My mother passed in 1990 from cancer... I was taking care of her up to 3 days prior to her passing. My mom was a very kind loving woman, she was very religious also. it was really hard losing her! My only and older brother was just 46 yrs old with a beautiful wife and 3 great kids in June 2001 (I thank God he didn\'t see the twin towers fall)! He was a fantastic person, he was a veterinarian and \"Uncle Joe\" to all my critters. When my father passed in 2005, he was almost 81, so he lived a good life. In fact he was famous in his day as a professional football player for the Pittsburgh Steelers, in fact he was the only player ever to have his jersey retired by them. The #70 jersey will never be worn again and he is in the football hall of fame. Dad (Ernie Stautner)also went on to coach the Dallas Cowboys , create the \"Doomsday Defense\" and went to three Superbowl\'s with them. They won two of the Superbowl\'s!! Then he coached with the Denver Bronco\'s for 4 years and after that he created the Frankfurt Galaxies a world league team, he was head coach! So. my point in telling you all this is that you will find it much more comforting to remember how you grandfather lived his life as opposed to how he left his life. Please understand that I do not mean any offense by telling you that aspect, I am only trying to help you heal.
Also know that I am here for you if you need me!! I will PM you my yahoo messenger ID so you can contact me directly.
Please feel better!! I hope I helped and not hurt sweetie!
Much love & God bless!
Tere