Fucking Titles, lemme just write

Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my grampa's death. For those of you who dont know he passed away September 22, 2007 from liver cancer, and it still hurts so badly. I spent yesterday crying, and hiding. Im so selfish, I want him back! But I can't have that. I don't get to sit and have any more conversations with him, I dont get to sit out on the porch and watch the birds, or just sit and relax. I don't get to watch him fiddle with a car, or build and fix something. I cry everytime I remember our last conversation... the very very last words I ever got to hear him say to me... still hurt so badly. Verbatim "What is the point in fighting this? I will still have diabetes, I have still have had heart bypasses, Ive broken my hip, and I'm wearing down. Whats the point in fighting cancer?" -hits floor- *thinks to self* I cant believe he just said that!!   I know the "rule" is you're not supposed to cry in front of the dying, you're supposed to be strong for them. I failed that day. I hugged him, and ran into the house crying because I was so hurt he'd just said that, and couldn't believe that he was ACCEPTING death. Like I said.. selfish. So Selfish!!!  On a different front.. Im still looking for a job, I'm working my ass off trying to get work!! In the past couple of days I have put in over 41 applications with so far 33 nos against me. Which is of course.... FRUSTRATING AS ALL FUCK!!!! Speaking of which... I haven't gotten the pleasure of sex lately either.  Chippy says I need some time alone, and... maybe I do.. but DAMMIT!!! I don't like it, and don't have to like it. I miss him, not just cuddling, intimacy, kissing.... though, those are al GREAT things... I miss him. Enough about that though... Ty... what can I say about Ty that hasn't been said already? You know all of the excuses that "women" use? Nu uh! He's used them all though. Im 21, young, and full of fun.... whereas he's 31, unadventerous, lacks creativity, and passion in the bedroom!!!! He's supposed to be a LEO for christ's sake. ya know.. the LION in bed? Yah well this Lion, is more like a rollover and play dead POSSUM!!! Ok, I'm sorry.. I'm done.