Frustration is setting in

Frustration is setting in. I have so many things weighing down on me. I am worried about not working and the extra stress going to my husband in regards to supporting this large family. I am trying to cut corners everywhere I can, but somethings cannot be trimmed down.  Now there is the onslaught of school starting and all the supplies they will need in the next few weeks. I feel like crying. In addition to this my life was taken over this week by school registration and I have missed out on the gym everyday.  I feel like a big fat failure.  My weight hasn't moved in two months up and down.  Nothing significant.  But ultimately it shows a gain of 4 pounds since my last weigh with the doctor. I will be visiting for one year checkup in a few weeks. I wanted to be down to onderland. next to starving what should I do.  I added the exercise hoping to kick my metabolism up and I feel so stalled.  I think the worse is not losing but the fear of gaining. It all starts with a few pounds.  I am starting to feel nutty. I try and discuss this with my family and they understand but not the real emotional side of all of this.   My daughters has been a a dessert each week for the summer. Of course not gbs friendly and I can tolerate sugar. Damn, I am mad about that.  I almost wish I could throw it up.  Now sugar is a fiend which we already knew. But there is this Monkey that keeps saying yummy.  I guess the brightside is I don't eat candy.   And I am trying to stay on good food intake.  I also have noticed that I am eating trail mix with nuts and raisins. I pick out the MM's but this is now a habit.  While it seems healthy it is probably not so great  considering the fat intake.  Finding a job is depressing. I have been looking everyday since June and nothing is being posted as a teaching position for elementary regular education.  Damn, I spent al this money on educating myself and now there is no job available. I only pray that subbing will come in to help in the relief of finances.  A long term contracted job is what  I need. Time is running out on my preliminary license and I need to finish BTSA for clearing.  Damn, damn, damn!  What will I do if I can't find a job contract me in this market. I would hope that the state will extend the preliminary license, but you never know.  I guess worse case scenario is I go back to school for special education.   But this also means I will have to take student teaching again for 8 weeks and more money on the school loans.  Is this a trial? something has to give soon.  God hasn't put me here to fail, I have worked to hard and my fmaily is needing me to succeed in order to provdie for them.  They have sacrificed so much so I could achieve the teaching goals and master's degree. Many family trips postponed, and activities not done because of me wanting to do this. Now I am done and I cna't make up for the things they missed out on.  My daughter seems to understand but my 12 year old is having a hard time with not being able to go and do.  Something as simple as a pair of shoes or a new backpack with school supplies.  I am angry at all of this, my brain says to eat.  I feel lonely in this chaos, and I can't explain it any other way.