Frustration from mood

My mood just became worse.  It feels like it has gone so bad but actually it isn't that bad.  But it is bad.
I was out with my sister to a job fair and I saw one of the students that I used to teach.  I freaked out.  Then I started noticing that my heart rate was increasing and that I was getting nervous.  Then I was wondering why I was having difficulty keeping eye contact with people around me and then I thought that I was having a hard time and my mood plunged.  It was for around 2 minutes that I was able to adjust my thinking to my mood level.  I realized that my mood had gone down and I was getting nervous looking at people.  I dropped my sister and I was driving in the car and I was starting to feel that my cheeks are not high like before and my cheeks were starting to get droopy.  I continued to be nervous.  I passed by the atm and withdrew some cash and then drove again to pick up my sister.  I was surprised by my demeanour because I was still smiling to the people around.  I thought that I would not smile to them.  Then I drove some more and I felt that the seat was getting warmer (after looking back at this episode I realized that the seat was getting warmer because I was perspiring).  Then I my vision was starting to become blurry as I think I started to lose concentration and focus.  I was thinking that now my sister will see me droopy and I started to get sad.  I was starting to get an upset stomach [as I write this I am getting an upset stomach as I think about it, however I have a perception that I cannot tell my sister about it and that what will it do I won't be able to cry or solve this drop in mood].  Also I started thinking that this all started when I was at home and I was playing with my hair when I thought that I needed a hair cup and that do not have a money for a haircut and was worried about it because it was a recurring cost and I do not have a job so it is a burden.  Then I was thinking that maybe my dad will pay for these recurring charges so I do not get sad about them everytime but I was worried that I will get hooked on my dad paying money and didn't know what to do.  Fuck my dad he just pissed me off what a jerk.  So I drove some more and then I went to pick up my sister the seat under me was heating up and I was starting to feel that the back of the seat was started to heat up as well.  As I write this I am feeling that my thighs are heating up.  This all didn't start today.  I was getting very nervous yesterday night.  When I went to bed a rush of thoughts came into my mind.  I was getting worried that the medication had lifted my mood but that it was not a meaningful rise in my mood.  I was thinking about it all week and was thinking that when the effect of the medication wind (wrong spelling) down [I cannot focus] the same thoughts that were there before will stay there.  I was trying to think all the time to stay humble and things will maybe work my way.  I was trying not to micro manage my emotions and thoughts, it seems like a good idea.  Isn't it? But then I would freak out big time and I feel that things are very bad.  It seems that I was trying to hold on my thoughts to not allow them to run wildly [again not focussin] and instead I was cracking down on my thoughts and not allowing them to flow freely. I always had trouble with meditation and this point because mindful meditation calls for letting the thoughts go and I was not letting them go. I could distract myself but they won't go it is just silly to think that they will go.  This was my experience when I was very suicidal and tried meditation.  I was just thinking how will I forget my very difficult past and think anew.  I am hearing my dad whistling now and it is a trigger about my harsh past.  It is good to accept my mood.  It would be nice to talk about them.  I am very scared.  I am very scared about when I felt suicidal.  it was just so horrible.  I am remembering these things now and it is not easy.  I will go for a walk maybe I will distract myself from the thoughts and also maybe lower my anxiety.  Also yesterday a friend of my mother's was talking to me about getting a job and I had a good conversation but she was comparing me to herself and I started to see how this is difficult because we are two different people.  I was happy that she was reaching out to me and she was listening and understanding when I feel bad but of course I couldn't tell her that I was queer and I havn't sorted these issues out and that I was finding them so difficult to sort out anyways.  She was telling me about her life and I didn't like that because I learned something yesterday as I was listening to my sister talk about her bad mood that it would be good to forget myself and not help her by thinking about how I took decisions in my life, rather by just forgetting myself and listening to her whole heartedly and think about her as if I was in her shoes.  I am thinking but I was critisized by my friend that I do not know how to put myself in other people's shoes but low and behold I can do that much better than him or anyone else.  Maybe I don't have enough patiance to do it but I have it and I just unearthed it and it seemed like I could never have it.  It is just a revelation again and a reminder that I have everything within me just it is uncovered.  Why am I worried that I won't find them I don't know.  I am thinking about how my dad suppressed all the good things that I did and I try to move away from that thought but what if it was not my fault and that my dad really didn't allow me to blossom.  It is different that trying to take responsibility and try to do something about it.  But it seems awefully difficult to try to think about it and try to depend on myself.  I feel discouraged because of how deep my dad has hurt me that I am thinking that I am just diverging from the right point rather than converging towards it.  It is awefully difficult.  I was thinking I have no idea in just burrying that time when my dad was so diffuclt towards me and start anew but will that work.  Some of the options I was thinking about that could help me out would be having a new father figure in my life that could help in that.  By I am 26 will I be able to overcome it?  I don't know.  I know that I am very scared and that my anxiety has increased considerably and I need to go for a walk.  I don't know how I will tell my parents who are now having dinner that I will not be joining them and that I need to take a walk.  They will wonder why and I am afraid that my dad will scold me for feeling bad.  This is just frustrating.  So difficult.  I got really really scared.  I am glad I figured it out but finding out that I was not at rock bottom but I am looking straight at it so it was very bad.  When one is afraid of hights they look up and things get relaxed again.  It is good if I can look up and not at the issues.  I hope that the money thing will pass.  I am just very worried to ask my dad for the money. I figured it out the old thinking about thinking about a nice thing like our nice garden and my old house.  I don't know maybe thinking about how I had a huge laugh in a picture showing my fallen out teeth and my uncle who I love a lot took.  I guess I talked to my mom a little bit and I still feel bad but I will go walk.  Just around the block that's it and then I will come back and eat.  And then watch the game that my dad is not allowing me to because he wants to finish his series.  Maybe if I had one TV I would have appreciated that it was ok to share but we have two and I know that he can watch it inside.  He just refuses so because he doesn't want to get his old butt to the room.