Frustration and Disappointment
I was too upset to write in my last entry...but you likely guessed by my goal update that I have recently had issues with self harm. I have. I'm really struggling with it. I didn't cut exactly, but did enough damage to cause bleeding. Don't worry...my psychiatrist is aware and I do know my options. I still want to try things from an outpatient basis. She took me off the Oxazepam because she agrees that according to the timeline it is possible that it is contributing to my depression but she is really concerned about my continued sleep issues. So she is recommending Clonazepam. I thought I was out of options...that since one medication in the family was causing me so much apparent trouble that they all will...but she said that's not necessarily the case. So that's what we're going to try now. Hoping and praying it works and doesn't have any of these depressing side effects. I want to get off sleep meds but like she said...when I'm already having crap sleep, and I'm kinda getting a bit unstable and not always making the best judgements, that now is not the time to try going without anything...she said we need a few good nights of sleep before I should even think about trying without...since I'm struggling so much with safety right now....especially at night. And as much as I hate to admit it....I pretty much agree. She asked if I felt I needed to go into hospital...I don't think I'm quite at the point yet. She also said she recently talked to the inpatient staff and they commented that I must be working hard because they haven't seen me in so long. Kinda sad that I've been there so much that they can say that....but nice that I've been able to stay away so long. My roommate leaves tomorrow for 10 days so I'll have the apartment to myself. Hopefully that will help me get back on track without having to worry about stepping on someone else's toes. I'm trying my best to keep up with two of my goals that my OT and I have been working on. They sound so simple...and stupid really. Yet right now it's all I can do to meet those goals. They are to get dressed (out of pj's) at least 5 days a week (lounge clothes are fine...as long as they weren't my pj's) and to get at least 15 min of activity 4 days a week. How awful is it that those simple things are so hard to do. I'm so frustrated with things...I feel like I should be able to do so much more...so so so much more then I'm doing...but I'm not...and every time I try to get ahead I seem to get knocked back. I'm only 27...I should be out working, partying with friends, going to concerts, enjoying life...and not struggling so hard just to keep moving forward with the most basic of things. I know also though that there are people my age that are worse of then me. I know that. I'm not trying to have a complete pity party here...I'm just really frustrated and I'm disappointed with myself in how I've been coping. Anyway...gonna try to wind down a little, finish the tasty herbal tea that I made, and try out the clonazepam...with any luck I'll get a good sleep. Benedryl hasn't even been doing the trick the last few nights. Oh...quick update on my toe...the wart is the seriously the best looking part of my toe right now. There was so much swelling and it was throbbing so bad and I was so frustrated that I went ahead and drained a lot of the fluid that was built up inside. At least the itch is mostly gone and it doesn't hurt so bad. There was A LOT of fluid...thankfully though it was pretty clear. Still though I think I'm going to see if my doctor or one of the nurses at my clinic is available just so they can see what one of the bad reactions is to adhesives and maybe brainstorm for ideas as to what I can do when I next see the podiatrist....since there ain't no way that bandgage is going to be going anywhere near me. I know they're suppose to keep the area air tight for the treatment to work...but I'm hoping that guaze with bandgage over it will somehow be good enough. Right now the reaction is so bad that even paper tape will cause a reaction. So yeah...to top off the moods...I'm dealing with this stupid thing too. Anyway...like I said...I'm gonna go enjoy my herbal tea and then hopefully the clonazepam will help. At least she said we still have some options...before today I pretty much figured I had none.