frustrated!!!!!!
Okay - maybe I was the instigator and maybe I wasn't. I'm not sure. All I know is that T wanted to use my computer laptop to tune his guitar and I told him no. The last few times I've let him use it he got onto some awful sites. He told me he wouldn't this time but he's said that before and did anyway. Well, he didn't like it so he swore at me. My hubby thought I was wrong and let T continue ranting and swearing. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was looking for trouble? Maybe I'm harboring some resentment toward my husband for giving our son what ever he wants? For giving him a large sum of money (from the $ he earned this summer working for my husband's friend) and not talking to me about it beforehand. Instead he tells my son to ask me if it's alright if he can get an advance on the rest of the money until the boss pays him the rest - putting me on the spot. I went along with it and gave T more money because I'm tired. I'm tired of being the heavy and asking my husband to work with me. It hurts and I believe it's destructive when my husband immediately and obviously sides with my son. He did that two years ago when the courts ordered treatment - blaming me for being responsible for the whole thing because I reported our son's behaviors to his support system (including his probation officer). My husband was very open with my son about not agreeing that he needed residential treatment at that time. Talk about creating a bigger wedge between my son and me. I am still trying to get over the hurt my husband caused me then.
Maybe this weekend of partying at the "drug fest" concert/camp grounds got to me, knowing that we provided the cash for it. And then to add insult to injury ~ T left a note telling us not to wake him up in the morning for school. No surprise.....
Most of the time I just go with the flow - allowing my son to overstep my boundaries because it's easier. But sometimes - I just can't. Sometimes I make the decision not to give in but my husband perceives it as me just being difficult and a troublemaker. I am getting to the point that I just don't care what my husband thinks anymore. I have feelings and I count. I will admit that it does hurt when my husband protects our son - listens to him but not me. Maybe it's because he's protecting the little boy in him when his mom drank when he was a child? Who knows?
Maybe this weekend of partying at the "drug fest" concert/camp grounds got to me, knowing that we provided the cash for it. And then to add insult to injury ~ T left a note telling us not to wake him up in the morning for school. No surprise.....
Most of the time I just go with the flow - allowing my son to overstep my boundaries because it's easier. But sometimes - I just can't. Sometimes I make the decision not to give in but my husband perceives it as me just being difficult and a troublemaker. I am getting to the point that I just don't care what my husband thinks anymore. I have feelings and I count. I will admit that it does hurt when my husband protects our son - listens to him but not me. Maybe it's because he's protecting the little boy in him when his mom drank when he was a child? Who knows?
Replies
2 things: i mentioned before that we went to a counselor so our son\'s addiction wouldn\'t drive a wedge between us. it really helped. It helped us see that we both had points of view, feelings, and even though we went about it differently, we wanted the same thing in the end. We learned a lot about ourselves in the process.
It was hard work to even get to that place; of course I believed I was doing the right thing and so did husb. We HAD to remove judgment of what the other was doing in order to get anywhere. It took work but now we don\'t fight any more about son\'s addiction issues. he still hands out the $ from time to time but it is getting less and less often. But he never would have come around to this if I hadn\'t backed off.
#2: he\'s gotten some of the principles of AlAnon through osmosis from me. Or from osmosis thru me, however you\'d say it. Urging you to give meetings a try again, or at least read Paths to Freedom, for some solid support for you. My husb. didn\'t think AlAnon was his cup of tea, but when he saw me being calmer and more happy, little by little, he wanted what I had.
That said, we are not \'done\'; you\'re never done. But I sure feel a lot better than I did four years ago--worlds better. The position you\'re in struck a note in my heart because I def. was there, and can get back there in a flash. I remember the loneliness and the anger and frustration.
So give your own comfort some thought, and I hope you are able to take some action to help your own self.
PS--my son had the ADHD/ drug confusion as well in his teens, and we went thru that whole rigamarole also! What a whirlwind!
I feel for you both! What caught my eye was that he used your son as the intermediary for the funding request -- your husband so struggles with conflict of any kind and so it is not surprising that he was upset by the ranting when T was denied computer access.
It\'s hard to know what the job money situation is about. Personally, if he earned it than he can burn through it as long as any obligations to you are paid for first (rent....). Advances, no deal. I really don\'t know how you have been coping at home! I know you haven\'t had much success from counselors in your area; how about a female counselor just for you? In the meantime, I am thinking of you and hope that you are able to carve our some meaningful moments/experiences/memories for yourself and with your husband. Hang in there and take care of yourself!!!!!