FRUSTRATED

Well as usual it has been a while since i have written.... short and sweet i'm living in Orlando with Joe... I love him so much and i feel like he is my true soul mate in life! i couldn't be happier with another man.... I have a about 10 weeks left of school until i go on my externship site for 2 months..... Joe has about 8 more months left in school..... today is Tobys 5th birthday!! mommy is making him a cake from scratch, i'm sure he will love it :)    As for how i'm actually feeling might be a slight different story.... it almost seems contradicting in a way...... maybe from the outside everything looks fine and dandy.. but from the inside i am just all over the place....... first i will start with one of my biggest problems, as always, my parents...... I'm just sick and tired of the bullshit selfishness with them,,,, i think what hurts the most is the denial of it all.... it hurts me to think that both of my parents are so mentally ill that they can't see how much they hurt any of us.... And of course it happens on EVERY fucking holiday as well!!!! and for this reasons i'm beginning to HATE holidays.... i'm the type of person where i would love to theme things and have company over and be social and enjoy time with my family......... Well i have 2 fantastic stories from the past 2 "holidays".... Joes parents are great and of course i wanna begin spending holidays with them, BUT in the back of my mind i wanted to spend the holiday with my family...i love my family we can be so close and have so much fun sometimes...... so i sacraficed time away from Joe to be with them. It was really hard to be away from Joe for so long.... So thanksgiving day I wake up and start helping to make dinner.... i notice that my dad was "gone" and my mom kept making up these dumb ass excuses as to where he was........ i was like mom i've dealtt with this bullshit for almost 25 years you really think idk what's going on...... So needless to say my mom took me AND my baby sister to get my father from the crack motel that he refused to leave..............THEN Christmas eve night my parents went to a "Christmas party" in gainsville..... weird they didn't get home until like 4am!!! but they were just having alot of "fun"!   yea fucking right,,,,,, My mom was all kinda fucked up Christmas morning..... Sara and i just wanted to get our presents and get the fuck out of there and go to Ft. lauderdale.... but of course my mom and her manipulating ways made us stay...... she did put effort into Christmas for us, but why??? why take away the joy of christmas??? I would have rather had 2 sober parents they presents under the tree!!!!  so besides the whole holiday situation, they just suck!!!!!!!!! i'm sick and fucking tired of it!!!!! I also just feel like shit about myself right now.... i've gained like 30 pounds in the last year and i'm just so overwhelmed with how disgusting i look.... i don't fit into any of my clothes!! its sick......On the other side of the coin, as disgusting as i am i STILL dont eat right and i STILL hate working out!!! i mean wtf is wrong with my fucking head!!! i'm in this depression that i can't pull myself out of.... everything in life i do is a fucking chore!! why is it like that? i don't wanna be like this anymore...i want to acheieve all my goals and succeed in life.... i enjoy learning and doing things, it's a matter of actually getting me to do them.......   i wouldn't mind eating healthy it's just that all the healthy food is so damn expensive~~~~~!!!! and i'm sorry but i don't wanna eat like a rabbit and eat lettuce all damn day!!! I really need to fucking get this bullshit together!!! i need to make some changes or i'm never gonna make it......  How am i going to keep joe around?? Another thing... i'm ALWAYSSSS fucking sick!!! something always hurts, aches, i feel nauseous, my back hurts, its ALWAYS something!!!!!!   Like i said it looks all fine and dandy from the outside, but inside i'm dieing!!!!