Frozen

Well, I have been a seemingly positive wellspring of hope up to today...mostly. (I think.) I am laying in bed, in the same spot that I have grown increasingly more adherent to as if it is the one and only place on earth where I feel safe.  Where I have been known, in sad times past, to simply disappear and find comfort. It is the last vestiges of my personal Narnia that once had such a grip on the vulnerable, lost child in me. Today, however, though I may feel a lingering appeal to the safe haven that I had enabled it to become for me, the strong, adult woman in me who has fought so hard to gain footing amidst this unfortunate life of timult will under NO circumstances allow me to buy into that lie. Bed is not a safe haven. It is a way to continue living in denial. As long as I allowed my bed to comfort me, I was anaesthetized to the severity of how unbearable my life had become.
It was just two years ago that I spent the better portion of a month here, in bed. I will never forget my sweet child, who was  six then, asking me "Where did happy Momma go? I want my happy Momma back." She even made me a paper crown that said, " I love my Mommy", and about a dozen feather shaped, specially cut and formed pieces of blank paper that she had made for me to use as palettes for my paint. It broke my already broken-beyond-repair heart into a gazillion tiny peices. 
Today, that pain is knocking at my door. My life is in such a state of upheavel that I can't even figure out what the first thing I need to do is. I was successful at eliminating the most nefarious trigger when I decided to separate from my husband, yet I realize there will be many more to battle. It is so hard being a grown up for the first time in my adult life. I have no one to help me up when I fall but myself. I have reconciled myself to the fact, and have done nothing but boast of my willingness to stand on my own. It's hard to get off the bed when you have a screaming,fearful child inside of you that has no trust in your ability to be the parent that will keep you safe...the very parent that you never had. But in keeping with the idea of being grateful for small accomplishments, I am at least comforted to know that "BED" is not where the rest of my new life begins. And it's no mystery that I would revert to old ways of seeing it as my comfort zone.
There. I feel a little better already. Now if I could just get up and out of this beddy!