From My Knees, I Stand.

Last night, I made dinner as usual, and kept it warm until he got home from work.  I'm not doing it out of fear, I just figured I'll keep the peace until I get out.  When he got home, he was in one of his 'I love you" moods.  He was acting very sweet.  I'm not falling for it.  I didn't say a word, as I served him his dinner.  I know that when I'm around him I look sad- I can't help it.  So, he looks up from his computer and stares at me.  After a moment, he spoke.  "Honey, I know I'm mean and abusive.  I don't mean to hurt you."  He said it very soft and very sweet.  I just looked him in the eyes, but didn't say a word.  I wanted to cry.  Thankfully, I didn't.  This would give him power over my emotions in his eyes.  So I looked back at my computer and went right about my business.  A little while later, he was talking about some nonsense with this game he plays online.  I just ignored him (wonder if he felt how I did everytime he ignored me?).  When I was done with what I was doing on the computer, he asked for more chicken and stuffing.  I quietly brought him more, and I sat down with the book I'm reading.  Something in the book struck my attention, and I looked up as I thought about it.  I was reading about the effects of abuse on children, and Jonathan has been very violent towards me when I tell him to do something.  He noticed that I suddenly looked up, and asked me what was wrong.  I told him he shouldn't ask unless he really wanted to know.  After a few minutes of silence, I looked over at him and I asked, "You said you don't mean to be abusive, but what do you plan to do about changing it?"  (I knew he wouldn't have an answer, and even if he did, it wouldn't change my mind about leaving.)  He said slowly and softly, "I don't know."  I began to read part of that book to him:  Children who see or hear their father belittle their mother, silence her, walk away and ignore her, or physically intimidate her, learn that such behaviors towards her are both acceptable and effective. (from Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. He got mad that I read that to him.  He doesn't like hearing that he's wrong, and only admits to faults when it's neccessary to do so.  And even then, he isn't actually admitting to it, he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear.  Does he really believe that he's abusive?  No, I doubt it.  He just knows that his reign of terror is coming to an end, and he will do what he has to do to keep from losing his power.  But, his throne is about to be overturned.  He CANNOT and WILL NOT do this to me anymore!  I am not going to let another year of my life slip away with him.   So, because he got upset, I told him, "You won't change.  You did this to your girlfriend before me.  You will always do this unless you get some serious help."  With that, I went outside to have a cigarette, and then went upstairs to bed.  I don't need his crap.  And I certainly didn't want to hear his mouth anymore.  See, this is where things have drastically changed, and he has taken notice.  I used to not go to bed until he does.  Well, I'm tired of not getting enough sleep.  Also, I would normally cry when he says he's sorry.  Now, I just look off into the distance without shedding a tear.  I used to scream and holler back at him, begging him to change, begging him to treat me right.  I don't bother with it anymore.  Did that for 6 years, and it hasn't worked, so I'm moving on.  He knows it to.  I gave him 30 days notice, and told him not to expect Jonathan's S.S.I. check on July 1st.  I told him I need that money to get a storage unit for my furniture, and for other expenses with Jonathan.  I make it a point to remind him everyday.  I don't say it unless I know he won't snap on me when I say it.  He's been very affectionate lately also.  He knows he's lost me, and he's trying to win me back by suddenly being 'the good husband'.  But it won't work.  It can't work.  He cannot change without a big dose of counselling and some serious work to change his controlling behavior and the way he views women.  Acting nice doesn't change a thing. A little while back, I was looking through some old boxes in the basement, and I came across a restraining order that his ex-girlfriend had against him.  It made mention of 'assult and battery' and 'domestic violence' charges against him.  I got to the page where  she gave her discription of what happened.  "He began choking me and pulling my hair... punching me in my back and head telling me to shut up, and if I shut up then he will stop but I couldn't stop crying..." -Melinda Crain.   (Yes, we have the same name, odd huh?)  So as I was reading this, it all seemed way too familiar.  The punches to my head seem to be his favorite thing to do to me.   Looking back, I never should have hated Melinda.  She didn't do anything (at first, but then she tried to run me over with her sisters car).  She was abused just as I am.  For years, I have wanted to apologize to her, but I can't because I got a restraining order against her.  I can only hope that her life is better now without him in it.  Mine will soon be better too.  My only fear is that he will take Jonathan.  But, I am going to do whatever I need to do to keep that from happening.