From a while ago... Painful expression of how I feel
Although this was written a while ago it is still very evident that parts of how I feel are still similar to this. I see alot of change and alot of God's hand at work. I trust God will figure this all out.. These feelings do not subside because of some progress... I need healing, help and alot of it.
I would like some other relatable input from people who struggle with codependency. My husband has made some huge strides and I am appreciative and thankful he has... However, I do not know because of broken trust when to believe what he says and when not to.. In my mind alot with this. My heart is still aching... Although he is sober..we are still in a broken hearted marriage, working things out. But I'm so fearful of him leaving me although I am not at fault in some of the serious harm done to our marriage... I am struggling with Co-addiction and that doesn't make it any better so I know in my own illness I do not help the over all goal.
Journal from a while ago
I have to post in another journal used my limit.
I would like some other relatable input from people who struggle with codependency. My husband has made some huge strides and I am appreciative and thankful he has... However, I do not know because of broken trust when to believe what he says and when not to.. In my mind alot with this. My heart is still aching... Although he is sober..we are still in a broken hearted marriage, working things out. But I'm so fearful of him leaving me although I am not at fault in some of the serious harm done to our marriage... I am struggling with Co-addiction and that doesn't make it any better so I know in my own illness I do not help the over all goal.
Journal from a while ago
I have to post in another journal used my limit.
Replies
I\'m conflicted... And have been for sometime. My nerves are shot. The way I\'m talked to as if I\'m a parasite or the enemy. How can hatred be expressed to the person who loves you and stands by you no matter how much hurt and pain you have caused... I\'m repaid with brief moments of kindness.. That last seconds in comparison to the days of torture from your lips. Spitting hate at me. Whether it\'s intentional or not. I\'m hurt just the same as if it is intentional. Creating a golf between us. Why do I fear communicating this to you.. Is it the fear of defensiveness you are bound to respond with, is the fear of more emotional and verbal abuse, it all boils down to fear of the unpredictable response I know you will have. I could stand up and keep telling you to listen to what I am saying. To just hear what I am saying. My gentle prompts have been ineffective and unheard. The enemy knows you have power to hurt me, because in return my pain pains God. I pray God will instruct you to love me correctly, I pray God will show you how to be tender, gentle, affectionate and loving towards me. I deserve nothing less. I realize I can\'t control you or cure your diseased habits of selfishness and pride only God can renew your heart and mind. I ask that He will change your heart to the husband I deserve... The husband I know you are deep within. For the moment, I am closed in...focusing on Madden and myself anymore energy focusing on you while you are present before me crushes my spirit when I have to hear your angry quests. I\'m drowning in mental and emotional torment. The endless black hole that I know I will escape as I depend on the Lord\'s comfort. God has asked me to stay along side you. As I will with obedience but am still working on finding a loving response to this act of obedience because the torture of having to have a loving heart in carrying out a difficult task such as showing love and support to someone who you feel is not totally for you or has some quests against you (is so trying it tortures my soul).. Yes there are glimpses of kindness but they reel me in with the illusion more kindness is to follow and it doesn\'t always come. When you love someone deeply love someone kindness is present because there is no room for anything else..my heart aches with sadness that I love my husband so much and try my best to Unconditionally love him but I don\'t feel emotionally safe. I don\'t know how to communicate this to him because I\'m afraid he won\'t see my hearts aching and just response with more of this very hate. God please show him I just love him so much.. But I can\'t feel like this forever. Please God help him see me.
I love him, but I\'m so conflicted with this simple concept of love... Kindness... Where did you go.
In Jesus\'s Precious Name Amen
Although I have not experienced a situation like yours, this journal explains with clarity, your feelings. Sending you a prayer of support and know God will light your path. As you know it may not always be one we understand, but one that will always help guide us. God Bless
Thank you for your encouraging words! It is true God is ever so present in all times and answers prayer but may not be what we expected or in our timing only in His! Thanks again!
I\'m sorry your hurting so bad. We don\'t have control over it & you are right to pray to see a way thru it. I\'m doing the same. Hugs.
Thank you Julie! Hugs to you too! God is here! He is Risen and is so present in the places of our lives we don\'t always feel Him but He is here!
Hi Diane;
If you do not mind me preaching a little to you then unconditional love (agape love) is what God gives to humanity, but we mortals are NOT to give unconditional love to other people.
\"Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar\'s; and unto God the things that are God\'s.\"
We human mortals have to have conditions for our human love, as like a husband and wife are to be loving to each other, but there must NOT be any violence or unkindness or incivility because we humans have love which is conditional - not unconditional.
In the epistles is speaks about a philly-love (brotherly Love) and it has a more human application to it.
See here = https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brotherly_love_%28philosophy%29
When we give a Godly love (agape) to a person then it is treating them as like an idol, and so it is very likely that your husband feels that this is wrong and he is naturally resisting it from you, and he probably does not understand the problem himself.
Start putting conditions (healthy boundaries) onto your husband and then he will start responding accordingly, he will respect you for the conditions if you do it right and lovingly, and in psychology / codependency we call those conditions as BOUNDARIES and they really do work wonders.
See link - \"Boundaries for Marriage\" - by Cloud and Townsend - and it is available at the public Library or online too:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB0QFjAAahUKEwjyk7umj5_IAhWMjw0KHXbkDi8&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cs.uni-potsdam.de%2Fti%2Fkreitz%2FChristian%2FBoundaries%2Fall.pdf&usg=AFQjCNGDPwYxzwR_hKJnaxxmvbumBb0TFQ&sig2=W1Lw9a3MowLkrNaCLyjgDg&bvm=bv.103627116,d.eXY
This is all just my own opinion here, and it is only intended as a friend to a friend.
James
Thanks Booky, I understanf that unconditional love is not something that humans are able to have...however I do love my husband regardless of the things he has done or will do and extend forgiveness always. I understand that God is the Sovereign in all things. And works all things together for good. I do my best to love my husband correctly and have cometo realization that I am codependent and that is all i have ever known. I was raised in a very dysfuctional environment with my drug addict mother and sister. I have seen the bondage of sin in such devastating ways and some how have been spared of the tragic consuming evilness of addiction by the graceof God I am not an addict. I am glad you mentioned boundaries I had my first meeting with our christian marital counselor one on one and my husband goes tomorrow and he told me that I will have to set boundaries... I am fearful of this.. but know it has to be done. Thank yoy for the encouragement. Take Care and God Bless.
We are bankrupt without Love, God is Love!