Friendship?

Hey gang. Just thought I'd write down some thoughts and experiences that I guess didn't really belong anywhere else. They're kind of personal - you know, in a philosophical Facebook post sort of way - so I thought it'd be best to put down here. Note that I'm more jotting this entry down more than I am writing, so it's not going to be well written. In fact, just assume that anything I write anywhere on this site is going to be pretty poorly written.

Anyway. So something terrible happened. Basically, I stood up for myself against this bully, and now I need to go see the dean of students about it. The day that I learned I was going to be in trouble, I was beside myself. This guy had been a thorn in my side for a while now, and I had complained to the dean and to the police about it basically any time I felt I needed to, to little or no results. I even went so far as to make a "no contact" form against him, but all it's done is gotten me into trouble, now that I've yelled at him. I was just so tired of being stalked around, of feeling like I was being hunted or played with. I couldn't help it. I had nowhere to run; what was I supposed to do? Just let him come at me? He could have hurt me, for all I know.

So, yeah. Shit day. I got up and went to see if the campus therapist intern was in; she's helped me before. The "real" therapist (there's only one) hates me, so I try to avoid her. But the intern wasn't in. I had nobody else who would listen to me, or help me. I ran off sobbing. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. All I could think about was how I had to get out. I just didn't know how.

There's this bridge at our campus. It spans a reasonably high drop; I'd say around ten feet? Hard to tell with all the leaves. After I sat down and thought about it, it began to appeal to me. There was this group of girls talking at one end of it, but I barely paid attention. I just glanced at them and thought, "Oh, they'll just get scared for a little while. They'll shrug it off." So I just headed down to the bridge. I had never been so determined to end it in my life. I mean, I've flirted with suicide before. Last summer, I tried to cut myself; didn't have it in me to get very far, though. So this part kind of scares me. It was broad daylight, and there was literally a gaggle of girls right over there, and I just went on ahead over to it. I guess some part of me thought, "I'll hesitate once I get there." But I don't know. How can I know?

One of the girls noticed me, because I was still crying. She runs over to me and gets in front of me, and starts asking how I am and all that. Not very pressing questions. Eventually, I stopped crying. She hands me her phone, tells me put the number in. I do so. Why shouldn't I? We tell each other our names. She invites me over to this chapel thing my school has (it's a Christian school, so yeah - but I'm pretty sure state schools have chapels too, so I doubt this is unheard of). I tell her yes, although I stopped following Jesus when I was sixteen. However, I don't mind Christians the way some atheists do. In fact, I appreciate the way they express their care towards others. I mean, being prayed for by a Christian is a pretty high honor, especially if you're not one. It means that, even though you're not officially a part of the group, you still matter to them. I mean, I get it, sometimes that whole "Christian love" thing is pretty fake, and sometimes it is. But I don't think it was fake this time.

I mean, once it actually came time to do it, I wasn't in the mood to go. First of all, I'm an introvert - enough said. Second of all, I was worried it was going to be "too" Christian (it kind of was, but it was also kind of funny, so whatever). But I went. It was very energetic, rather cultish (quite a few of them had the exact same facial expression), and just - involved, I guess. The speaker was very good; it felt like he was talking just to me, and no one else. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but I knew it would.

Afterwards, another very sweet and Christian-like girl gave me her phone number, and the first girl who basically saved my life talked to me for a while, said she wanted to hang out later and get to know me. They kept talking and praying about how loved I was; they wanted to know if I'd come back for next week's chapel. I don't really know yet. I told them I'd try, but I don't think I will.

It made me want to be a Christian again. It was so inclusive, so warm, so pumped. The speaker talked about how God doesn't want us to worry, that he's fighting for us and taking good care of us. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to believe him. Deeply, truly wanted to believe me. I still want to believe him. But then, at the end, one of the lead singers for the band mentioned about the descent of man was about how God loves us. How he clothed Adam and Eve when they were naked and ashamed. And all I could think was, "And then he tossed them out and doomed their entire species for an eternity just because Eve ate a freaking apple." On a serious level, though, that story does bother me. I mean, before Adam and Eve at the fruit, they had no idea about good and evil, because the fruit was from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I can only assume that if one does not eat from the Tree of Knowledge, or be of the same species of one who has, then they have no knowledge of good and evil, because the knowledge of it seems to be the root of evil (and in the same vein, the root of good), if the name of the tree has anything to do with anything. Therefore, before Eve ate, she had no knowledge, because she could not discern right from wrong. She mentally, morally could not decide, "Hey, this snake is out of his crib," and put the fruit away - because how could she know that obeying God was good, and disobeying was bad? 

Therefore, the origion of man's evil is unfair. What God did to them was unfair. He didn't just clothe them; he sent them out to die. He watched over them, sure, but in the end, the whole point was to have them die.

So, yeah. That whole thing kind of brought me back down to earth. But I still kind of want to be a Christian, at least while I'm here, but only because I want these people to accept me. This school has a lot of clique politics. For one thing, if you're a Republican, you really shouldn't expect to make friends with the theater kids, who are apparently predominantly Democrat. One of them actually told a story about how she stopped talking to one friend because he likes Megyn Kelly; and another talked about how she tried to infiltrate a Trump rally, "dressed up as a Republican." Now, if you can't tell by my rant, I'm kinda sorta maybe a Republican. So, I"m not sure how I felt about all this. I mean, I personally dislike Trump. But, y'know, when you're dressing up as - uh - me, I guess (they dressed up like farmers - I don't dress like a farmer), and actively saying you don't want to chill with Republicans, then, uh, I get some amount of social anxiety when I'm around you. And theater is actually one of the few places where I get to socialize. So no friends for Euphoria.

Basically, I get another chance to socialize with people, only to get roadblocked because I've decided to build a different but equal life. Isn't this the way. Of course, I don't want to be a Christian just to have friends - that's idiotic. But I also like these people. I mean, one of them literally saved my life. But if I tell her I'm an atheist, how would she take it? How many times would she try to convert me? Or would she avoid me all together? What if we argue, and I say the wrong thing?

So this is turning into a group post where I ask for advice at the end, but that wasn't really what I wanted to do. What I meant to do was thank for the nice lady for stopping me. I don't know how grateful I am. Killing myself would have saved me from the next few months, maybe even years, which are bound to be hell now. But I know I owe her, all the same.

One of the other things I wanted to do was jot down thoughts about life and what-not, but I don't really want to do that.

I suppose this entry is over. I've nothing more to say. This is all just stuff to think about, and nothing really more. It seemed important I should write this, so here I am.