friendly suicide

a sister-in-healing has been leaning heavily on me in recent months. she is much younger than i and early into her healing journey. in keeping with one of my favorite magics of the peer support network, embracing the honor of her trust in sharing her pain has allowed me to go deeper into my own healing to look for and heal festering infections in need of deeper cleansing and healing. suicide is one of those festering spots. i feel like i have made my peace with my own suicidal ideation, but socially acceptable words by which to describe that peace are still sorely lacking. for the most part, i maintain safe social distances from talk of suicide and/or suicide prevention. at present, my beliefs on suicide come across as sadistic. i feel the current suicide prevention campaigns as grounded in the medical/christian fear of death far more than any love of life. think of the trauma you will heap on everyone around you if you commit this heinous act. . . tremble fearfully at the eternal retribution for this cardinal sin. . . live because your doctors/preachers say you should.

even when my survival instinct is at its loudest, i cannae muster the belief that death is a tragedy. in my heart, killing myself isnae any more tragic than killing the 12 young roosters whose in-fighting is currently wreaking havoc among my chicken flocks. what, precisely, makes my life more important than theirs? it's isnae about personal importance. it is about maintaining a natural balance. can we speak of what the human over-population is currently doing to that natural balance? how many species of animals have we destroyed to extinction in our smug certainty that our lives/comforts are more important than the natural balance? my instinct is to thin the population by providing suicide wannabes with the conveyance of their choice. have at, my unappreciative one. one less traffic hazard on the highways. may i add your corpse to the compost pile?

my fear of death seems to be lessening with age. i am old and, even with medical intervention, i am far closer to my inevitable death than birth. keep your youthenizing platitudes to yourself. facts is facts. proof available and i hold my experience as a far more valuable asset than tight abs. i am grateful for the long, adventurous life i have lived, heartaches and all. at present, suicide feels far more sensible than draining family/cultural resources for the joys of passing my remaining time in a cancer or geriatric treatment facility. staying away from medical scientists and their contributions to the global over-population makes more sense than either option. i'll go when i am called. i will appreciate the beauties of life in spite of my aches and pains until i receive that call. note that i didnae call my death, "the final call." i feel life as far bigger than this single plane of existance science is currently discovering and measuring to dogma. my sense of adventure is looking forward to crossing that great divide to see the other side for myself. soon, but not today. my one goal in life is to be living fully on the day that i die, whatever the cause of my death.

i havenae attempted suicide since 1972. i still think of suicide whenever i ponder my own mortality and/or smoke another of the cigarettes the fear-peddling, law-loving medicos so abhor. i donae shudder at the thought of suicide. perhaps my greatest deterant to suicide is my belief that emotions are what we take with us when we go. painful emotions will remain in need of healing. the nearer the source, the easier the healing. it will be easier to heal those psychic wounds here than on the other side of the great divide. so i believe. proof irrelevant. should the circumstances arise where i can feel at peace with the act of suicide, i believe i can and will. i do admire the image of the great warrior falling on their own sword rather than compromising their principles.

despite the grim subject matter, i leave the mood icon squarely on "okay." just rambling. . .

side note:

i am still squirming like a city kid at the idea of killing my feather babies, even if they are gang raping the hens. it is all too tempting to let nature run its course and allow the roosters to kill one another. i wonder if i could turn a bit of a profit off taking bets to which 3 roosters will survive to master the 3 flocks.