Friday the 13th

Well today was definitely Friday the 13th.  Funny thing was I didn't even realize that until my sister in law pointed this out to me.  I was just plain sad when I first woke up this morning.  Had a lot to get done but just didn't seem to have the motivation to do it.  Unfortunately this is getting to be a  usual thing any more.  I really need to get out of this slump that I seem to be in.  My so called job (I don't even have to think at this job I am doing) is not giving me the hours like I was hired for.  It was to have been 3 days a week.  I thought perfect.  Well now its like 1 or 2 days a week.  Certainly not making any money. Well anyways I worked Mon, Tues & Wed of last week & now don't have to go back until next Friday.  So I have a lot of time to get caught up on things.  The weeds were taking over my yard, not to mention the scrubs etc that are  overgrown.   So I got out the old fashion clippers & went to town.  It wasn't until I was done that I found my husband's electric trimmer in the garage.  Of course I looked there first but for some reason I over looked it.  Again, something I seem to do a lot of any more.  But then it rained all weekend so I didn't get any of the clippings bagged so my  yard is a total mess.  Today I was messing with the pool, trying to get the water clear & its just one problem after another.  The one hose flew off, so I had to reconnect it.  Got that done but then I ran out to do a few errands & when I came back I noticed that Lawn Doctor had come & ran right over this hose,  Needless to say there was now a hole in the hose.  Then the pool ladder/steps were in the  pool from a storm we had the other night so I just tided the darn thing onto the deck rail.  I had to add water to the pool, so I had the hose in the pool, adding water.  This was probably on for a few hours when I looked out only to see that the pool was losing water.  Of course I am thinking, great now I have a darn leak.  I went down into my hard to see water everywhere.  Here another hose came off of the pump & was shooting water everywhere.  All the water I added with the hose was just going right out into the yard.  I can hardly wait for the water bill.  I was ready to scream, but just cried instead. I am totally fed up with life.  I hate it.  I went and looked at another house today. I actually really liked it.  No I can't decide to get it or build a new once.  Its so hard to figure this out.  Do I use what money I have  on a new house.  Money that has to last me the rest of my life. This could be a long time or a few years.  I have learned the hard way that you just never know. Anyways, I am just scared.  Our house now is paid off & I just can't imagine having a house payment at my age. Especially when I don't have much money coming in.  So I can me house happy but money poor.  Or I get a mortgage and then worried about getting the house paid off before I die.  Its just so hard to figure out. So today was just bad all around.  I get home from looking at this house & my daughter was home for the weekend from college.  It was so nice to see her but then I started telling her about the day I was having & then started crying & I felt so bad cause I didn't want to bring her down too.  Its already a hard weekend being father's day on sunday.  Its going to be another hard day. This same daughter wants to go to the bike trails that my husband liked to ride his bike on. I told her that was a nice idea so I guess that is what we will do.  I will probably just cry but I am going to have to try my hardest not to.  I also stopped in at my parents today only to have to listen to my mother go on & on about why she isn't going to do what her doctors want her to do.  She always disagrees with them. I ended up telling her that her chart probably has the same thing written on it that was on my husbands. "Patient is very difficult to deal with".  I told my mother that if Tom would have done what his doctor suggested that  he probably would still be here.  I guess this is the angry part of grieving coming out.  Maybe what I said though will make my mother stop & think.  Oh well, just going on & on.  Like every other night, I can't sleep & just really miss my husband.  I also really need to get away from this house.  I just feel like I can't do it any more.  I don't want to do this any more, atleast not alone. But I know life goes on & you have to take it, one day at a time.  So hopefully tomorrow will be better.  I can only hope.  So to anyone that is reading this, thanks for listening.  I just write on my journal page to write.  I don't write it for people to read but hey feel free. Maybe some of you can relate.  No,  I am sure some of you can relate.  Good night.