Friday,a trip to the psyche doc,and a new care worker?

Good morning journal,the time is now 4:40am,and I have been fully awake for around forty five minutes,I decided to get up and come here as we have a somewhat early start to today,and it will give me some me time before the rush begins. I went to bed last night at around 7:45pm,tired and still feeling a little ill,I don't know if it's some kind of bug,or if I'm just feeling a bit run down,I only know that something doesn't feel right. As for eating,I managed a little soup and a piece of toast,but I really couldn't face anything heavier as my stomach just doesn't feel up to it,and my appetite is still not all that great. I think I'm hungry.but almost as soon as I begin to eat,my throat seems to close up and I simply cannot swallow more than a mouthful or two,soup is very easy to take,but even allowing for that,I was still unable to eat more than half a bowl and I felt full and bloated,and I had the throat thing going on again,it's annoying,but it is what it is. Yesterday was my grandma's birthday,she would have been 117 years old,she passed away when she was 82,but I can still remember her strength and defiance in the face of illness,an illness that finally took her life,but not before she gave it one hell of a fight. She was diagnosed with cancer just before her 80th birthday,first they took the toes on her left foot,then they amputated her leg to just below the knee,and finally,they took her left breast,this woman was 80 years of age,but I never saw her frightened or her spirit unbowed right up until the day she died. She was a tough old Highland woman,and I remember coming home from work and she would say,"take me for a run son",and we would get in the car with her in her customary co-pilots seat in the front,and I would just drive,nowhere in particular,but she loved being out and with her family,my mother and brother would be in the back,and,although I was tired after a full days work,I never once said so,if she asked,we went. I need some of that Highland spirit of my grandma's now,there are times when I can virtually feel my own strength failing me,my grandma was confined to a wheelchair,and,in a few weeks,I will have my own,unlike grandma,I can still walk,but only for a very short distance at a time,but what I need to keep in mind was my grandma's determination,and her belief that no illness is bigger than the person who has it,her favorite saying when people asked how she was feeling was,"illness is illness,but it only has the power you let it have,mine doesn't have any,it's got me to deal with",she was a tremendously strong woman,let us pray that her grandson has the same strength in his blood.What news do I have to report today?,well,my wife called mental health as the promised return call to us had not been forthcoming,she spoke to the girl on reception who took my details and,yes you've guessed it,promised that someone would call us back. Surprise,surprise,very shortly afterwards,the telephone rang and my wife answered it,it was a gentleman by the name of Les Walker,no,I don't know who he is either,anyway,after some determined questioning from my wife,he admitted that Tina Roberts,remember Miss Bubbly?,well,she is off work sick,for how long he doesn't know,but,he would be glad to sit in on the appointment with my psychiatrist and afterwards he would see about getting me appointed a social worker of my own,what,another one?. My wife left him in no doubt that she was less than pleased that nobody had bothered to call and let us know that Miss Roberts would not be visiting us anymore,he apologized profusely,but my wife was not about to let him off the hook that easily. After more tongue lashing from her,in the nicest possible way of course,he told her that he was going to e-mail his boss,somebody called Steve Lewis,and no,I haven't a clue who he is either,but the upshot of it all is that he has promised some action,....hmmm,...we'll see. So,to bring you up to speed,this morning I am going to see a psychiatrist that I have seen one time two months ago,in the room will be myself,my wife,and a care worker who doesn't know me from Adam,after the meeting is over,this guy who doesn't know me will then attempt to pass me on to somebody else who doesn't know me,I do hope you are following all of this,and hopefully,at the end of it all,we will have somebody who doesn't know us to take care of me,okay?,.....I'm glad you understand me,that,at least makes one of us,and it isn't me. To cap it all off,he had no idea that I had an appointment this morning until my wife told him,I know this to be true because he asked who with and at what time?,does this seem like a department that is running like a well oiled machine?,no,it doesn't to me,but hey,right now it's all we got,God help us all. It is the people who are worse off than me that I feel sorry for,at least I have moments of clarity and even periods when I appear quite sane if a little on the suicidal side,but what about the people who are seriously sick,who do they turn to if their social worker suddenly disappears to God knows where?,they are left,like me,with no first point of contact in an emergency,and that people,could cost some poor soul their life. I do of course have the number for the mental health crisis team,this is an out of hours emergency service,if I find myself at a point where I am seriously about to try and end my life,I'm supposed to call and tell them and then,get this,they will try and convince me on the telephone not to,listen up people!,if I'm serious about ending my life,the last thing I'm going to do is call someone and tell them,what do these people use for brains?. If you really want to help me,then get off your ass and call the disability agency and ask what the hell the hold up is with my application for help,get in touch with the wheelchair brigade and try and hurry my request for a chair along a bit,get the occupational therapist that I was promised by Miss Roberts to come in and assess my needs and install things in my home that will make life easier for me,stuff like a shower seat so I could take a shower for more than three minutes,a set of bath rails so I could at least get in without worrying if I'm going to be able to get out again,....is any of this making sense to anybody but me?. On my first,and only,visit to the psychiatrist,I was promised talk therapy,grief counseling,and a network of qualified people who would be there as a back up should I ever need them,well I have one question,....where the hell are you?. Thus far I have a psychiatrist who probably wouldn't know me by sight unless I introduced myself,and a follow up team of people who don't know me,it's going really well isn't it,and if I don't get the answers that I want,that I need,this morning,I am just going to call a halt to things and get on with it myself,I'm sick and tired being moved from this person to that person and back again,I'm a human being and I have feelings,I'm not a statistic,I'm alive,.....just,but I'm alive,treat me with some respect and give me back a little of my dignity!. I take a plethora of pills and potions,so many that if you shake me by the hand I rattle,do I know what I take them for?,some,but most of them I take simply because my doctor tells me to,I have no idea what function they are supposed to perform,or what effect,if any,they are supposed to have,or if they have any side effects,a lot of them do,mostly producing a feeling of extreme tiredness that renders me incapable of functioning properly,I'm tired of being tired,fourteen different tablets and three assorted inhalers a day is a little over the top,don't you think?,and if they are all that is keeping me alive,I think I'd just rather quit using them and let nature take it's course,I'm not a guinea pig,please don't treat me as one.Well journal,I sound like quite an angry man this morning,a lot of it is frustration,I know the man I used to be,but sadly,he seems like a stranger to me now,oh well,no matter,let's see how this mornings appointment goes,who knows?,I may even end up with a case worker who knows what they are talking about,I live in hope,until the next time then,may God continue to walk with us,I need Your right arm to lean on again Jesus,and may Your strength and understanding help us through yet another day.