Hammock

Yesterday did not go so well with going to visit Roomie.  I think he thought I would just come back to him and move in.  I've stood my ground and stayed in this lane.  He would hardly talk to me or look at me.  

I finally told him that I wanted to be his friend-(we've been nothing more than roommates for over a year now anyway) and was concerned for him and that he could call me at any time if he needed help-I know this will never happen.  Yesterday I walked out of his life for good.  He can't have his cake and eat it too.  He had chances and he wouldn't work at the relationship.  I got tired of doing all the work.  I've always done all the work.  After that, I had a meeting with my counselor.  I told her about what happened.  I told her that I am begginning to be in a better financial situation and made my mind up to continue to build MY FUTURE for once.  I am in a position now where the rent was half of what I was paying, I'm not in  huge house that I have to clean and it not only benefits me but also benefits Joe as I am gradually putting money into the trailer we live in which will make it more valuable to sell/trade in later.  It's in great shape now-but I'm upgrading some things in it.

Roomie had let my flowers die-he never took time to water them while I was there and didn't when I left.  I couldn't rely on him. He couldn't even organize his own medication-Im not a nurse, mother or caregiver. Hes a grown ass man who apparently is use to not working for the relationships hes been in.  I left a marriage like that-how easily it was for me to fall into that trap again.   But-I learned what to look for and the feelings I feel when I get hit with the emotions of needing to caregive.  How much better off I would be if I had those same feelings for myself-I'm getting there.  I'm starting to respect myself more.  Letting the people I care about falter on their own without me there to hold the net.  I'm finally using that net as a hammock for myself :)

Tommorow, I will go get new flowers and plant in the pots that I brought from Roomies house yesterday.  I got my weights and will begin to exercise again until the gyms reopen.  Gone are the days where I have sleep marathons in the dark empty bedroom in Roomies house, it's time for this flower to be in the sun for awhile. 

To all,  have a Happy and Healthy weekend!!