FRIDAY.11 APRIL 2014...
Didn't sleep much last night (Thur)...laid in bed looking at pictures of bikes on Instagram... looking at facebook... and ... looking for one particular article out of hundreds on losing my faith... I have a bunch of them bookmarked...but this particular one is written by a "Sister" (nun) and ends with four little steps to regaining your faith...but... I didn't bookmark it... and now I can't find it... and it is beyond frustrating to ME!...chalk it up to another failure on my part!
I needed to get some sleep...because I need to take the truck to get it checked out... my truck is discharging my battery at night...and I have no idea what is causing it ... so I need to take it to get checked today...
And I need to go to my counseling appt...
And I need to go pay some bills for my Mom and go see her...
And I need to pay my bills...
And I don't want to do any of this except maybe go to my appt. but I have too...so let me try and we'll see what happens...
SO!!!...of course I overslept and now am running late (like always) but I forced myself to get up and take the truck to get it checked...Battery: good ... Alternator: GOOD!... so why is it discharging at night? Nothing is on...The ANALyst in me says what recently changed...and the only thing I can say that changed is my son took out all of his sound system and CB equipment out and just left all the wires...but of course he assures me that's not the problem ... yet there is a problem ... argh!...the agony...oh well...have to work on it later...
I went back home to pick up my charger...in case it dies for some reason...then went to get a quick breakfast (HA!...there were 5-6 people ahead of me in the drive-thru - so much for quick) and then onto my counseling appt...now... as much as I have to force myself to go these sessions...I do kind of look forward to them...but I also get apprehensive about them...I know the first question out of her mouth is going to be "How are you doing?"...that is always the first question out of anybody's mouth...and it is the one question out of all of them that I hate the most...but it will be asked...and I will have to answer it...and I did...with a scowl and a growl...sorry but that is the best I could do...I really don't want to be rude but I hate that question...I've been thinking about this for a while now...and I've determined, that I don't really want to talk about anyone today...I come...we talk...I feel a little better...then I leave...and think about it all and I start to feel like crap again...I want to talk about me...not really...but then again ... yes really... I want to talk about what a failure I am...how I'd be better off dead...and...how I don't care about anything...I don't really want to talk about me...but I don't want to talk about anyONE else either...I am so confused...
Well we talked for while...I got some things out...but there is just so much that I don't know how we'll ever get through any of it much less all of it...
DO YOU WANT TO GET BETTER? ...yes...no...I don't know....
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE LAST TIME...WHAT DO YOU DO? ...nothing...sleep...I lay awake at night thinking about everything I want to do...have to do...and my mind races and I don't sleep...so i lay in bed on my phone reading...until the early morning...then I sleep all day and when I get up I look at all the mess I have to take off and I get overwhelmed and frustrated...and I just go back to bed and do the same thing over and over again...
DID YOU GO SEE MOM, TAKE HER SOMETHING TO EAT? ...yeah...once...
HOW WAS THAT EXPERIENCE? ...it was ok...she smiled a lot...she talked about stuff that doesn't make sense to me but I guess it does...and she ate...then they brought her dinner and it actually looked good...so I fixed it for her too eat and then I left...and she was okay...she mentioned that she was glad I stayed a little longer this time...and she was smiling and eating when I left...BUT...still it's hard to see her that way...so I haven't been able to go back since...
WELL!...THAT'S GOOD...YOU DID GOOD - YOU WENT TO SEE HER...IT WAS A GOOD EXPERIENCE...AND IT'S OKAY...SO HOW'S SCHOOL? ... it's not...
YOU DROPPED YOUR CLASSES? ...yeah...
DR? MEDS? ...nope...haven't seen her since january...and haven't taken my meds since about then also...
OK...WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THAT AND HOW THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOU GETTING BETTER...DO YOU WANT TO GET BETTER? ... yes...no...I don't know... part of the problem is I don't like taking medication...I took medication all my childhood till it got to the point that instead of taking it, i would throw it away ...MEDICATION FOR WHAT? ...Asthma...there's that...and then the fact that I can't afford it...so what's the point...
OH YEAH...WELL, I KNOW ABOUT THAT PART...YOU'RE NOT WORKING AND IT'S HARD...BUT MAYBE YOU CAN TRY TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT IT...EXPLAIN TO HER THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD AND MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING THEY CAN DO TO HELP YOU...OK? ...ok...
WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER...LET'S TALK ABOUT HIM...I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE TOLD ME...BUT DOES HE TALK TO YOU...SHOW ANY CONCERN OR SUPPORT? ....no...not really...we spent a couple of hours together yesterday...but...it's hard...he's a typical man...and he doesn't understand...and then if we do talk about stuff...I get angry and start to blame him for a lot because he had hurt me a lot...and I get angry and he shuts down...and that's it...i'd rather just not talk or think about it.
OK...WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT? ... [jeopordy music playing in my head]... .... ... . .. . . ... i want everyone to leave me alone and just let me do what i want to do...I want to be ALONE in my misery!!!
WOW!...I JUST SAW A LOT OF ANGER...WHO ARE YOU ANGRY AT? ... [jeopardy music playing again] ... ... i am angry at myself ...and... I am angry at GOD...
WHY? ... .... i am angry at myself because I have failed at everything... and I am angry at God because when I decided to let go of control over everything and I trusted him with control He didn't fix anything and instead asked me to something I don't want to do... I am angry... I have a whole lot of anger built up inside of me...and just looking around at the mess that is my life I get angrier and angrier and frustrated and I just don't know what to do...I am very angry...but I have no way to release that anger!!!!!!!
DO THIS...IS THERE A PARK NEAR YOU? ...yeah...actually there's three...
OK...WHEN YOU GET OVERWHELMED AND FRUSTRATED LIKE THAT, I WANT YOU TO JUST LEAVE...LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WALK DOWN TO THE PARK AND JUST WALK AROUND THE PARK...OR SIT ON A BENCH...JUST LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND GET ALONE WITH YOURSELF...CAN YOU DO THAT? ...ok...I'll try...
PEIRRE...
I needed to get some sleep...because I need to take the truck to get it checked out... my truck is discharging my battery at night...and I have no idea what is causing it ... so I need to take it to get checked today...
And I need to go to my counseling appt...
And I need to go pay some bills for my Mom and go see her...
And I need to pay my bills...
And I don't want to do any of this except maybe go to my appt. but I have too...so let me try and we'll see what happens...
SO!!!...of course I overslept and now am running late (like always) but I forced myself to get up and take the truck to get it checked...Battery: good ... Alternator: GOOD!... so why is it discharging at night? Nothing is on...The ANALyst in me says what recently changed...and the only thing I can say that changed is my son took out all of his sound system and CB equipment out and just left all the wires...but of course he assures me that's not the problem ... yet there is a problem ... argh!...the agony...oh well...have to work on it later...
I went back home to pick up my charger...in case it dies for some reason...then went to get a quick breakfast (HA!...there were 5-6 people ahead of me in the drive-thru - so much for quick) and then onto my counseling appt...now... as much as I have to force myself to go these sessions...I do kind of look forward to them...but I also get apprehensive about them...I know the first question out of her mouth is going to be "How are you doing?"...that is always the first question out of anybody's mouth...and it is the one question out of all of them that I hate the most...but it will be asked...and I will have to answer it...and I did...with a scowl and a growl...sorry but that is the best I could do...I really don't want to be rude but I hate that question...I've been thinking about this for a while now...and I've determined, that I don't really want to talk about anyone today...I come...we talk...I feel a little better...then I leave...and think about it all and I start to feel like crap again...I want to talk about me...not really...but then again ... yes really... I want to talk about what a failure I am...how I'd be better off dead...and...how I don't care about anything...I don't really want to talk about me...but I don't want to talk about anyONE else either...I am so confused...
Well we talked for while...I got some things out...but there is just so much that I don't know how we'll ever get through any of it much less all of it...
DO YOU WANT TO GET BETTER? ...yes...no...I don't know....
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SINCE LAST TIME...WHAT DO YOU DO? ...nothing...sleep...I lay awake at night thinking about everything I want to do...have to do...and my mind races and I don't sleep...so i lay in bed on my phone reading...until the early morning...then I sleep all day and when I get up I look at all the mess I have to take off and I get overwhelmed and frustrated...and I just go back to bed and do the same thing over and over again...
DID YOU GO SEE MOM, TAKE HER SOMETHING TO EAT? ...yeah...once...
HOW WAS THAT EXPERIENCE? ...it was ok...she smiled a lot...she talked about stuff that doesn't make sense to me but I guess it does...and she ate...then they brought her dinner and it actually looked good...so I fixed it for her too eat and then I left...and she was okay...she mentioned that she was glad I stayed a little longer this time...and she was smiling and eating when I left...BUT...still it's hard to see her that way...so I haven't been able to go back since...
WELL!...THAT'S GOOD...YOU DID GOOD - YOU WENT TO SEE HER...IT WAS A GOOD EXPERIENCE...AND IT'S OKAY...SO HOW'S SCHOOL? ... it's not...
YOU DROPPED YOUR CLASSES? ...yeah...
DR? MEDS? ...nope...haven't seen her since january...and haven't taken my meds since about then also...
OK...WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THAT AND HOW THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOU GETTING BETTER...DO YOU WANT TO GET BETTER? ... yes...no...I don't know... part of the problem is I don't like taking medication...I took medication all my childhood till it got to the point that instead of taking it, i would throw it away ...MEDICATION FOR WHAT? ...Asthma...there's that...and then the fact that I can't afford it...so what's the point...
OH YEAH...WELL, I KNOW ABOUT THAT PART...YOU'RE NOT WORKING AND IT'S HARD...BUT MAYBE YOU CAN TRY TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT IT...EXPLAIN TO HER THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD AND MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING THEY CAN DO TO HELP YOU...OK? ...ok...
WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER...LET'S TALK ABOUT HIM...I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE TOLD ME...BUT DOES HE TALK TO YOU...SHOW ANY CONCERN OR SUPPORT? ....no...not really...we spent a couple of hours together yesterday...but...it's hard...he's a typical man...and he doesn't understand...and then if we do talk about stuff...I get angry and start to blame him for a lot because he had hurt me a lot...and I get angry and he shuts down...and that's it...i'd rather just not talk or think about it.
OK...WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT? ... [jeopordy music playing in my head]... .... ... . .. . . ... i want everyone to leave me alone and just let me do what i want to do...I want to be ALONE in my misery!!!
WOW!...I JUST SAW A LOT OF ANGER...WHO ARE YOU ANGRY AT? ... [jeopardy music playing again] ... ... i am angry at myself ...and... I am angry at GOD...
WHY? ... .... i am angry at myself because I have failed at everything... and I am angry at God because when I decided to let go of control over everything and I trusted him with control He didn't fix anything and instead asked me to something I don't want to do... I am angry... I have a whole lot of anger built up inside of me...and just looking around at the mess that is my life I get angrier and angrier and frustrated and I just don't know what to do...I am very angry...but I have no way to release that anger!!!!!!!
DO THIS...IS THERE A PARK NEAR YOU? ...yeah...actually there's three...
OK...WHEN YOU GET OVERWHELMED AND FRUSTRATED LIKE THAT, I WANT YOU TO JUST LEAVE...LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WALK DOWN TO THE PARK AND JUST WALK AROUND THE PARK...OR SIT ON A BENCH...JUST LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AND GET ALONE WITH YOURSELF...CAN YOU DO THAT? ...ok...I'll try...
PEIRRE...
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