Fri: yesterday was horrible
Oh my gosh!!!!! (long entry)so i've been pretty depressed lately about everything. all the plans that got cancelled over the last 3 weeks because of my migraines and then kidney infection. especially since our friend Elaine was visiting from Texas for a week and i couldn't keep up with the activities (and she has FMS too). then yesterday morning i'm on my way back to the VA to turn in the 24 hr pee test i had to REDUE (another thing i've been pissed as hell about *refference journal entry from Sunday)... and 10 mins after i leave home, suddenly my car starts making this rattling noise from under the hood and then smoke starts coming out! i check my gauges but it's not hot (since i just got it out of the shop for over heating), then suddenly my engine dies. SHIT!!! i'm on the free way in the fastes lane and i gotta find a way to drift off through the lanes to the shoulder!! the only thing i could think about was that i had to get my lab work to the VA no matter what, cuz i'll flip the hell out if i have to redue the damn thing all over AGAIN!! once i safely drifted off to a shoulder that barely was even wide enough (I'm between the lane and the gaurd rail) i start calling my friends numbers to see who is in the area that could pick me up but nobody is answering. then i call the shop that worked on my car and he says just hang in he is sending a tow truck. the worst part is i have to call the oahu veterans center and tell them that i can't make it to my own FMS meeting!!!!! so whatever i had been down about the last few days suddenly hit me really hard when i realized i had to cancel my own meeting. i almost had tears in my eyes. my heart was breaking. i continued dialing numbers finally my friend Jen (who lives in the area) picks up the phone and i told her what happened. i offer her gas money to take me to the VA and drop off the specimen and she says no problem. i sat there on the side of the road for like an hr before she showed up and she told me there was construction traffic that was backed up. so i call the tow truck and he said he is still stuck in it. finally he shows up. after the trip to the VA and then home, i was pretty angry and depressed i just wanted to punch a hole in the wall and cry at the same time. the frustration hit me pretty hard. all i could think about was that i don't want to live this way anymore. i never wanted to live this way in the 1st place, i never imagined ever living this way. and yet WE (everyone that suffers in pain) are stuck this way till some mad scientist comes along and finds cures. i hate it. i hate that we just have to live life in complete frustration as is just rolls on by. this is why i formed the group. but i couldn't even make it to the group. i felt like shit. i went up to my room and curled up into a ball. i layed there for a while before i decided maybe i should call Matt since i always call him about everything. so i do and he ends up getting pissed at me and we end up into a fight and then he hangs up on me. i started crying and felt like breaking everything in the house, but instead i just layed there and cried for like 2 hrs. i hated everything. the pain and suffering just ruins my life. finally Matt calls back after he regroups his thoughts and calmly speaks to me his side of the frustrations. then he tells me that he can't wait to see me and if he were here he would hug me all night and just hold me. he said he will come over friday (now today) as soon as he can so we can be together and he can hug me all i want. he tells me how great of a person i am and that i shouldn't feel so down on my self. so i started to feel a bit better, but i'm still mad at the whole thing. hopefully this weekend i'll get over it. thank you for reading my long frustrating entry. everyone here means so much to me i couldn't even explain. have a blessed weekend and God bless everyone!
Replies
Oh my god, what an awful day. Reminds me of some of the evildays that I have had. I feel so bad for you about not being able to make it to your support group meeting, of all things! I don\'t now what to say to help you feel better except just be glad that yesterday is over with. There has been a full moon yesterday & today; things have been crazy here too though not as bad as for you. Whenever I have a day like you just had I get really down on myself too, with negative self talk and even thoughts of dying because I can\'t stand how I feel. But when I go to bed I just have to say, tomorrow\'s another day and maybe it\'ll be better then and also realize that the things that happened to you are not your fault, you did not choose for your car to break down, didn\'t choose to miss your meeting, didn\'t choose to have fibromyalgia or kidney infections. I don\'t know why such bad things happen to good peoople, but just remember that you ARE good and that this is not some sort of punishment. Grab your kitty and pet him/her, write a poem even if you\'re not a writer. Get it out. I do some of my best creative work when I am blackly depressed. I\'m keeping you in my prayers and hoping for the sun to shine on you, as I know it will (it has to!)
Well, sweetheart, the best thing that I can do from here is keep you in my prayers (for sure) and send you positive vibes. My girlfriend and I will both pray for you tonight. God Bless and I hope that the rest of this weekend treats you well.
I am sorry that you are having so many problems.I pray that things will get better,and soon.Hoping you have a good weekend,and remember you will get through this.Once a MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!!!!!!!!!!B AS STRONG AS YOU WERE FOR US, FOR YOURSELF THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU DESERVE SO MUCH. SEMPERFIDELIS!!!!!!! WITH RESPECT AND LOVE YA LOT\'S,sempersugar (THANKS MARINE) XXXXOOOOO
Sweet sun...listen, honey...I know exactly how you feel...when it\'s just too f***g much some days.AARRGGHH..but you KNOW the things that happened could have happened on any given day...it\'s just that for us, these shitstorms are magnified because of our chronic battle with the monster. I am so sorry you had this happen...you wanted to be there...but the group--especially a group of people just like you and me will understand...think about it this way...who better to understand the utter frustration of the day you had than a group of fibros -?? At the next meeting, it\'s your perfect opening story....\"Did you ever have a day like...\" and the crowd will say \"OH, hell YES!!
-babe, stop beating yourself up!!! C\'mon...head up and move forward..that\'s my girl!!!hugs and Love, rabbit
hey pretty, you were right I could relate. So sorry you\'ve been through so much lately... if you want to get some more frustrations out you know where to find me! **big long ways away hugs from MI**
I wish it was as easy to throw pain into the abyss as it is to throw my depression in there! My problem is that I abused pain for so long to avoid feelings that were worse, that I forgot how to stop doing it. I eat pain like candy. Not as much as I used to, but I still don\'t have a healthy relationship with pain. I am learning, though. And I live with a wife who is never free of pain, so I can at least relate to that. Your journal was long, but I could not see anything that did not need to be there. You did a good job of painting the word picture. Thanks for sharing and caring. Your group is blessed to have a Blue Sun shining for them!!!
I\'m so glad that Matt called you back and hopefully is hugging you right now!! yes darling..been there! this stupid fibro sucks big time!! that\'s what I was doing before I left....I was so tired and in pain while packing!! fibro just sucks the life outta us! don\'t worry some goods are coming your way. have Matt drive you to the beach watch the sun go down, tomorrow will be a better day!! keep the faith! I\'m sure your group understands!!!! just liked you are understanding!! you are a great person!! relax and don\'t stress....I know easier said than done. hugzzzz wish I was there to help ya!!
Awwww Alicia, I just want to come over there and run the group for you while you rest up and get things sorted out.... I am so sorry that you\'re having a shitty time - but you know none of it\'s your fault. As rabbit said, it\'s a great opener for your next group. Maybe that\'s an opportunity to have a deputy or some rules/guidelines of what to do when you can\'t make it. You can\'t be the only one responsible.
Enjoy your weekend with the gorgeous Matt and let the anger and disappointment go, it doesn\'t do any good to hang on to it. Write it all down (or print off your journal entry) and then light a match to it, as it burns up, imagine it\'s your anger burning up too, disappearing into the universe, leaving you with peace and calm.
Take care sweetie.
Deb xx
If I had been there, I\'m sure half of this stuff would never have happened. You need me, Matt, and God of course.
Since I\'ve been back, things have been pretty shitty, too. I\'m going to put it all in my journal when I feel well enough. Fibro and a surprise illness have me down right now, and I need prayers. I love you \'Lil Sis.
I know all too well how you are feeling - with all the anger and disappointments, and frustration that you can\'t do certain things when and how you want to. I felt the very same way soon after I discovered I had fibromyalgia. I lost my job because of it which made my life even more difficult.
For myself, I have found the calmer and happier I can be, the better I actually feel, and it\'s that much easier for me to think straight. It might sound silly, but my positive attitude has helped me tremendously, and I would hope that it could help you too!!
Then I realized that I had to accept the fact that I will always have fibro, but I will do anything I can to help me feel better, being very determined to make my life happy once again despite all the pain. I sometimes go from doctor to doctor because I am not satisfied with their care or lack thereof.
Wow! I totally understand and can relate! I was telling my best friend this morning how \"over\" being sick and hurting I am. I would never do anything drastic, but it\'s very frustrating and hard to be in pain all the time and not know what to do. I am a fix-it kind of person and this is something I can\'t fix! I get down and out about it all alot. I try very hard to think how things could be worse, but it\'s not easy, especially when you have a really bad day like you had and it seems like one thing after another just keeps happening! I had that same experience two weeks ago. What I can tell you is: Hang in there. It\'s shitty to always feel like we do, but we have people that love and care for us, including our friends on here. And always, always have some way to get out how you feel because the longer we keep things bottled up inside, the worse it festers (I know from experience).....Last, know I\'m here for you always! You\'re a friend for life and that\'s the way it is! (Smile) I love you, girl! Take care and talk to you soon!