Freakin Gray Weather
While I'm all for being proactive and optimistic and generally with a "can-do" attitude...I am not doing well today. It GRAY and it's COLD and I can't concentrate on my work right now. Yesterday was wonderful, I was all about working. Work was interesting and invigorating. Today, I'd rather hang around DS, giving advice like I know what's up, lol. I'm sure I'm at least giving people something to think about, and heaven knows I've read every book, paper, and article about healthy living, depression, anxiety, coping techniques, mindfulness, and relationships. But still, when it comes down to it, I'm still a person with the same amount of BS as everyone else...and the profound ability to NOT take my own damn advice. Lol.
Blaming the gray seems convenient and apt...and maybe it's the truth, or maybe I just want it to be the truth. Who knows?
Maybe I'm hanging around DS just to connect with people. I want someone to turn to me and acknowledge my contribution to the internet abyss. I am capable, and I am creative, and I do know just about every coping technique ever invented. I've battled major depression every day and I've never been hospitalized, I've never been on more than the base dose of meds. That's an accomplishment. It's a badge that I sometimes wish I could wear on my lapel...look at me! Look how courageous I am! Look how capable! You should be commending me that I even got dressed and left the house!
And even though that's selfish, I'm not particularly sorry about it. Mental illness is inherently selfish. It wants you to turn inward and put more energy into deconstructing your insides...while society tries to balance it by drastically pulling your energy outside to material things and things that are "SO important" like who wins Dancing with the Stars. The world is on it's way to implosion because it's so unbalanced.
Even the messages that do make sense...eat real food, move around, love one another, care for the planet, be sustainable...all have to be monetized just for us to hear them. That is so terribly sad and if there is any reason to be depressed, that is it. I'm depressed because I feel angry and sad and hopeless against the machine of monetary society.
My immediate choices are to do something about it, hide from it, or join them. I think most people pick from the second and third options. I do too because doing something about it just seems impossible...you might as well ask me to turn into an apple.
What am I talking about? So, I'm blaming my mental illness on monetary society? Yeah, maybe. I'm convinced that if we worked on a different system, then our numbers of sick wouldn't be so high. And that helplessness really gets to me at my core. Seriously...I think that might be the absolute core of my sadness. No wonder depression can't be "cured".
So...to make myself feel better, I give advice for a little attention, I eat dark chocolate that godiva spent millions to advertise to me, to trick my neurotransmitters into pretending something good is happening. I pour my guts out into the internet abyss so that someone might see it and say wow, MissScales is so right, she is a smart woman. Or maybe, holy shit, she is way to honest for her own good, no wonder she has no friends.
And all these thoughts swim round and round, keeping me afloat until the gray clears and the sun comes out...then I'm happy as can be and everything is hopeful and bright and I feel like humans can overcome our horrible creations easily if we could only just focus.
In the meantime, I'm going to try and get something done today.
Blaming the gray seems convenient and apt...and maybe it's the truth, or maybe I just want it to be the truth. Who knows?
Maybe I'm hanging around DS just to connect with people. I want someone to turn to me and acknowledge my contribution to the internet abyss. I am capable, and I am creative, and I do know just about every coping technique ever invented. I've battled major depression every day and I've never been hospitalized, I've never been on more than the base dose of meds. That's an accomplishment. It's a badge that I sometimes wish I could wear on my lapel...look at me! Look how courageous I am! Look how capable! You should be commending me that I even got dressed and left the house!
And even though that's selfish, I'm not particularly sorry about it. Mental illness is inherently selfish. It wants you to turn inward and put more energy into deconstructing your insides...while society tries to balance it by drastically pulling your energy outside to material things and things that are "SO important" like who wins Dancing with the Stars. The world is on it's way to implosion because it's so unbalanced.
Even the messages that do make sense...eat real food, move around, love one another, care for the planet, be sustainable...all have to be monetized just for us to hear them. That is so terribly sad and if there is any reason to be depressed, that is it. I'm depressed because I feel angry and sad and hopeless against the machine of monetary society.
My immediate choices are to do something about it, hide from it, or join them. I think most people pick from the second and third options. I do too because doing something about it just seems impossible...you might as well ask me to turn into an apple.
What am I talking about? So, I'm blaming my mental illness on monetary society? Yeah, maybe. I'm convinced that if we worked on a different system, then our numbers of sick wouldn't be so high. And that helplessness really gets to me at my core. Seriously...I think that might be the absolute core of my sadness. No wonder depression can't be "cured".
So...to make myself feel better, I give advice for a little attention, I eat dark chocolate that godiva spent millions to advertise to me, to trick my neurotransmitters into pretending something good is happening. I pour my guts out into the internet abyss so that someone might see it and say wow, MissScales is so right, she is a smart woman. Or maybe, holy shit, she is way to honest for her own good, no wonder she has no friends.
And all these thoughts swim round and round, keeping me afloat until the gray clears and the sun comes out...then I'm happy as can be and everything is hopeful and bright and I feel like humans can overcome our horrible creations easily if we could only just focus.
In the meantime, I'm going to try and get something done today.
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