Four Years
Four years ago my dad passed away. He spent a week in hospice so I knew it was going to happen and I was as prepared as I could be. It had been almost exactly a year after my mom had passed away so I had been through the song and dance before. Dad did not want to live on dialysis - for his heart and kidneys - and I didn't blame him one bit. He did pretty well for a few months after Mom passed away, but then his health really went downhill.
He went to his 50th high school reunion after Mom passed away. He went on a few trips with his friends and my brother -- trips he never would have taken if Mom had been alive.
I have a SIL and a friend who have lost a parent this week. I feel the pain anew.
My depression is clearly spiraling out of control. I cry and cry. Yes, I have a "reason" today, but all that does is make it easier for people to dismiss my tears for mourning. True, there is mourning in there... But there is guilt for crying when others have life situations far worse than me, and I can't keep my crap together. I can't get my head on straight. I can't get my laundry done or my bedroom clean. I get frustrated over the littlest stupid things.
But then, there are these rays of sunshine that peek through the darkness. My boy has special needs, specifically autism, and potty training has been a struggle. He's 4 and still in pull-ups. He's finally showing signs of interest in using the toilet. Yesterday my little guy expressed the need to use the toilet and held it until he got to the toilet, then peed. TWO SEPARATE TIMES! This was not at home but at the swimming pool, so that told me he did NOT pee in the pool but felt the need to go. I heard the choirs of angels singing. Today he expressed the need to go and I got him on the toilet and he peed. It was miraculous.
These are the days that I know my mom and dad are still with me, still helping me. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe I will be with my parents again after I die, which is honestly the only thing that has kept me from completely giving up. I wonder if my mom was as depressed as I am, when I was little. I have the feeling she was.
My husband is destroying our shower right now. It is step one in getting a new shower. We've needed a new one for YEARS, but kept putting it off. I guess we'll be down to one shower until it's done. JOY. It's okay. He has mild depression, too, so sometimes it takes drastic measures for him to push himself.
As for me, there is nothing do to get myself together today. That's okay. I'm just going to be in pain and accept it.
I'm in a major depression. That is a fact. Sigh. I will get through today.
dea
He went to his 50th high school reunion after Mom passed away. He went on a few trips with his friends and my brother -- trips he never would have taken if Mom had been alive.
I have a SIL and a friend who have lost a parent this week. I feel the pain anew.
My depression is clearly spiraling out of control. I cry and cry. Yes, I have a "reason" today, but all that does is make it easier for people to dismiss my tears for mourning. True, there is mourning in there... But there is guilt for crying when others have life situations far worse than me, and I can't keep my crap together. I can't get my head on straight. I can't get my laundry done or my bedroom clean. I get frustrated over the littlest stupid things.
But then, there are these rays of sunshine that peek through the darkness. My boy has special needs, specifically autism, and potty training has been a struggle. He's 4 and still in pull-ups. He's finally showing signs of interest in using the toilet. Yesterday my little guy expressed the need to use the toilet and held it until he got to the toilet, then peed. TWO SEPARATE TIMES! This was not at home but at the swimming pool, so that told me he did NOT pee in the pool but felt the need to go. I heard the choirs of angels singing. Today he expressed the need to go and I got him on the toilet and he peed. It was miraculous.
These are the days that I know my mom and dad are still with me, still helping me. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe I will be with my parents again after I die, which is honestly the only thing that has kept me from completely giving up. I wonder if my mom was as depressed as I am, when I was little. I have the feeling she was.
My husband is destroying our shower right now. It is step one in getting a new shower. We've needed a new one for YEARS, but kept putting it off. I guess we'll be down to one shower until it's done. JOY. It's okay. He has mild depression, too, so sometimes it takes drastic measures for him to push himself.
As for me, there is nothing do to get myself together today. That's okay. I'm just going to be in pain and accept it.
I'm in a major depression. That is a fact. Sigh. I will get through today.
dea
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