Foster Parenting Experience
Hi Everyone,
It's been quite awhile since I've written on checked in...
My husband and I were foster parents to two beautiful baby girls, on two separate occasions. Our first arrived on Jan 11th and she was with us for two months. She was returned home to her birthparents on March 11th. I took FMLA for about two weeks and am so glad that I did. It gave me a chance to adjust to parenting and also to make her feel comfortable too. I thought I could handle it all but soon found out that I needed help at least in the beginning. The day Baby G arrived was an ordinary Saturday for us. We had breakfast and were planning on heading out to tackle our errands but about noon our licensing agent had called and said that they needed to place a child immediately. We agreed to take her in and had literally less than two hours to get out and get supplies and organic milk for her. It was crazy. She arrived a little scared but after an hour, she had warmed up to us and was smiling/laughing and playing with toys. It wasn't until 11 pm that night that we had our next meal which was a bowl of cereal. My church friends came to the rescue...for two weeks, we received dinner every other day; we were able to borrow a crib and a high chair; we received lots of clothes, and a wealth of support. For me, it was a very humbling experience because I am the one that has a hard time accepting to help and to receive it, I was ever so grateful. Our family and friends welcomed Baby G and gave her so much love as we did. My husband and I were so elated to say the least and would do anything for her. We cared for her like she was our biological child. She turned one while she was with us and we took her to Chuck E Cheese on her actual birthday and also had a birthday party for her with all of our friends and family. We were attached to her the minute she walked through the door.
So we took it very hard when she had to return to her parents. We know that all foster kids goals are to return home but we also know that those goals can change. All along, we kept hearing from the case worker that their parents were in denial and she would eventually return home but not as quickly as her parents thought she would. So we kept thinking that she would be with us for awhile. We were very surprised when on the day of court, I got the call at work that the judge had ordered her home. They were coming to get her in 3 hrs. I had to leave work and go pick her up from my MIL's and go home so they could pick her up there. I will never forget that day. I hung up the phone and just broke down at my desk. On my way to get Baby G, I was crying and when I arrived at my MIL's, my MIL was crying. My MIL called my BIL and told him she was leaving. He was in the middle of a patient and told his patient he had a family emergency and had to leave. Baby G sensed something wasn't right and wasn't her joyful self. They took their last pictures with her and said their good byes and we headed home. On my way home, I was telling Baby G how much I enjoyed being her temporary mommy. I told her that I loved her. We arrived home and my husband was waiting for her. We played with her for a little while and then the case worker arrived. We took her upstairs to change her for the last time and to put her in the outfit she had arrived in. It pained me not to give her favorite toys but at the time I was so mad at her parents, the attnys, the 'system', just everyone. What I didn't understand is that her parents trial wasn't until the following month and how could they let her go home before the trial? The abuse didn't happen to her but there was an allegation made to her sibling and that's why she had been removed from her parents home. Both attnys proposed a plan and the judge agreed to it. There was nothing we can do. As a foster parent, we had not voice. It was apparent since the beginning and that's exactly how we were treated. Everytime they asked us to do something, we always complied. Not one time did we ever say 'no'. And yet, when we asked the case worker if we can see Baby G again, they said 'no'. They felt we were not being supportive of reunification. WHAT?? What gave you that idea? We did everything you asked?? In fact, we were the ones who discovered that she did not have any immunizations since her first shot and we started getting her updated on all of her shots. If we didn't care about her wellbeing, we wouldn't have done that. All we wanted to do was see her every once and a while. Maybe a couple of times per year. They said that if she came back into care, we would get her again because we had her last. We knew she would not come back. We think about her all the time and wonder what she's doing and how see looks. We hope to run into them. It was trully heartbreaking letting her go. Parenting was the easy part, saying goodbye and knowing you will never see her again was the hard part.
Three weeks later, we get another call for a baby girl that needs a home. Call made to the hotline for a child that's being neglected. Here we go again..We accepted. I was at work and could not leave. Caseworker dropped her off at my MIL's while my husband arrived shortly after. Baby H arrived on April 2nd and returned home on July 15th. Baby H sad and cried a bit but she eventually stopped and was cautious of her new surroundings. The case worker stayed for two hours until she was comfortable enough for her to leave. We noticed immediately that something was not right with Baby H. She was a very serious baby. She didn't smile nor did she laugh. She had no interest with watching cartoons or playing with any toys. She came with a very severe diaper rash that needed prescribed medicated ointment. Diaper changes were very, very challenging. The poor baby would scream with every diaper change. So my husband and I made sure to keep her dry at all times. We would check her diaper often to make sure she had a clean on and eventually, the rash went away and her crying got less. My husband and I made it our goal to get this little girl to 'let her hair down' and being a kid. We couldn't imagine what she saw in her short lifetime that made her so serious. No 10 month old she be that serious. A couple days later, we sat on the floor with her and were playing with her toys and she eventually came around and joined us. In no time, she started giggling. AAAAAHHHHH! We were soooo happy! It was such a proud parent moment. And it only got better after that...She was no longer that sad little baby. We kept encouraging to play with toys and to walk. She really blossomed in our home.
In the meantime, she had regular visits with her parents and siblings. Her parents were in court often it seemed. Baby H had two other half siblings in foster care. We had met her parents and were nice to them each time. We were never unkind or disrespectful. Each time we went to court, we learned so much information. I know no family is perfect but Baby H's birthparents was really dysfunctional and it broke my heart thinking that she would be going home to that again. Like Baby G, we treated Baby H like our own. Baby H needed more time and attention than Baby G though. And we gave it to her. We wanted her to feel loved, safe, and cared for. We wanted her to be a kid. She went everywhere we went. There was only a handful of times we had to get a sitter. We thoroughly enjoyed spending time with her. We brought her to church most Sundays even if we got there super late, we still went. We took her out to dinner with us. She loved going to the zoo. My best friend and her 7 yr old daughter Isabella came to visit from out of town and stayed with us for a week. From the minute the girls met, they became instant friends. They played with one another the entire time. Baby H couldn't pronounce her name and called her new friend 'Bewa'. So precious. Isabella sang to her 'Twinkle, twinkle litte star' during her diaper changes to calm her down and Baby H loved it. On the morning of their departure, we had a princess tea party. Isabella dressed up as Snow White, Baby H was dressed up as Sofia the First and I even dressed up. I wore an old bridesmaid dress. We had an assortment of fruit and sweets, coffee and tea, and milk for the kids. I took a lot of pictures (and videos). As the girls were taking a picture, Baby H turns to Isabella and gives her a hug on her own. It was the most precious thing I had ever seen. That weekend, Baby H also gave me and my husband a hug as we were holding her. She just turned around and wrapped her little arms around us. Melted our hearts. The night before she left, Isabella wanted to talk to Baby H so I called them and let the baby talk to her friend. As soon as she heard Isabella's voice, she kissed the phone. And when Isabella started singing her, she was tapping her fingers on leg and rocking to the beat of the song. So cute. Glad that we have these memories.
Next day was court and my husband and I went of course. Our case was the last one called. It was sad for me and my husband to hear the judge grant for her to be returned home based on the fact that her parents were drug free for 90 days (not enough time in my opinion) but we were angry with how we were treated at court. The case worker and CASA worker doted on the parents and praised them for being clean. BFD. You were clean for 90 days. So what's gonna happen after 90 days? Not one time did the case worker greet us or ask us how we were doing. The CASA worker is supposed to be neutral but she was mainly buzzing around them the entire time. Sure, she talked to us for about 10 minutes but that was it. We had to hear how the parents got a new carseat and crib from the agency, all donated. It's unreal how much birthparents get catered to and how the foster parents get crapped on. The foster parents are expected to be the model parents while the birthparents can shirk their role as parents. Foster parents are scrutinized while they overlook what the birthparents do.
It was our choice to do foster parenting (or maybe mine and my husband went along with it) in the hopes of adopting. Based on our most recent experience, I'm not sure if we will continue. I voiced my disappointment and anger to my licensing worker last week and as a result, we have a scheduled meeting for Aug 15th to share our feedback with the rest of the team that was involved in Baby H's case. I am normally not one to complain about anything and just go along with whatever. It will be a time for us to share our experience but for them to also share their side. I am a little nervous. Our license is expiring in Nov and I don't want them to say they don't want to work with us anymore because we are the 'squeaky wheel' but at the same time, I feel that they should know and they should make changes as this will help future foster families.
It's been quite awhile since I've written on checked in...
My husband and I were foster parents to two beautiful baby girls, on two separate occasions. Our first arrived on Jan 11th and she was with us for two months. She was returned home to her birthparents on March 11th. I took FMLA for about two weeks and am so glad that I did. It gave me a chance to adjust to parenting and also to make her feel comfortable too. I thought I could handle it all but soon found out that I needed help at least in the beginning. The day Baby G arrived was an ordinary Saturday for us. We had breakfast and were planning on heading out to tackle our errands but about noon our licensing agent had called and said that they needed to place a child immediately. We agreed to take her in and had literally less than two hours to get out and get supplies and organic milk for her. It was crazy. She arrived a little scared but after an hour, she had warmed up to us and was smiling/laughing and playing with toys. It wasn't until 11 pm that night that we had our next meal which was a bowl of cereal. My church friends came to the rescue...for two weeks, we received dinner every other day; we were able to borrow a crib and a high chair; we received lots of clothes, and a wealth of support. For me, it was a very humbling experience because I am the one that has a hard time accepting to help and to receive it, I was ever so grateful. Our family and friends welcomed Baby G and gave her so much love as we did. My husband and I were so elated to say the least and would do anything for her. We cared for her like she was our biological child. She turned one while she was with us and we took her to Chuck E Cheese on her actual birthday and also had a birthday party for her with all of our friends and family. We were attached to her the minute she walked through the door.
So we took it very hard when she had to return to her parents. We know that all foster kids goals are to return home but we also know that those goals can change. All along, we kept hearing from the case worker that their parents were in denial and she would eventually return home but not as quickly as her parents thought she would. So we kept thinking that she would be with us for awhile. We were very surprised when on the day of court, I got the call at work that the judge had ordered her home. They were coming to get her in 3 hrs. I had to leave work and go pick her up from my MIL's and go home so they could pick her up there. I will never forget that day. I hung up the phone and just broke down at my desk. On my way to get Baby G, I was crying and when I arrived at my MIL's, my MIL was crying. My MIL called my BIL and told him she was leaving. He was in the middle of a patient and told his patient he had a family emergency and had to leave. Baby G sensed something wasn't right and wasn't her joyful self. They took their last pictures with her and said their good byes and we headed home. On my way home, I was telling Baby G how much I enjoyed being her temporary mommy. I told her that I loved her. We arrived home and my husband was waiting for her. We played with her for a little while and then the case worker arrived. We took her upstairs to change her for the last time and to put her in the outfit she had arrived in. It pained me not to give her favorite toys but at the time I was so mad at her parents, the attnys, the 'system', just everyone. What I didn't understand is that her parents trial wasn't until the following month and how could they let her go home before the trial? The abuse didn't happen to her but there was an allegation made to her sibling and that's why she had been removed from her parents home. Both attnys proposed a plan and the judge agreed to it. There was nothing we can do. As a foster parent, we had not voice. It was apparent since the beginning and that's exactly how we were treated. Everytime they asked us to do something, we always complied. Not one time did we ever say 'no'. And yet, when we asked the case worker if we can see Baby G again, they said 'no'. They felt we were not being supportive of reunification. WHAT?? What gave you that idea? We did everything you asked?? In fact, we were the ones who discovered that she did not have any immunizations since her first shot and we started getting her updated on all of her shots. If we didn't care about her wellbeing, we wouldn't have done that. All we wanted to do was see her every once and a while. Maybe a couple of times per year. They said that if she came back into care, we would get her again because we had her last. We knew she would not come back. We think about her all the time and wonder what she's doing and how see looks. We hope to run into them. It was trully heartbreaking letting her go. Parenting was the easy part, saying goodbye and knowing you will never see her again was the hard part.
Three weeks later, we get another call for a baby girl that needs a home. Call made to the hotline for a child that's being neglected. Here we go again..We accepted. I was at work and could not leave. Caseworker dropped her off at my MIL's while my husband arrived shortly after. Baby H arrived on April 2nd and returned home on July 15th. Baby H sad and cried a bit but she eventually stopped and was cautious of her new surroundings. The case worker stayed for two hours until she was comfortable enough for her to leave. We noticed immediately that something was not right with Baby H. She was a very serious baby. She didn't smile nor did she laugh. She had no interest with watching cartoons or playing with any toys. She came with a very severe diaper rash that needed prescribed medicated ointment. Diaper changes were very, very challenging. The poor baby would scream with every diaper change. So my husband and I made sure to keep her dry at all times. We would check her diaper often to make sure she had a clean on and eventually, the rash went away and her crying got less. My husband and I made it our goal to get this little girl to 'let her hair down' and being a kid. We couldn't imagine what she saw in her short lifetime that made her so serious. No 10 month old she be that serious. A couple days later, we sat on the floor with her and were playing with her toys and she eventually came around and joined us. In no time, she started giggling. AAAAAHHHHH! We were soooo happy! It was such a proud parent moment. And it only got better after that...She was no longer that sad little baby. We kept encouraging to play with toys and to walk. She really blossomed in our home.
In the meantime, she had regular visits with her parents and siblings. Her parents were in court often it seemed. Baby H had two other half siblings in foster care. We had met her parents and were nice to them each time. We were never unkind or disrespectful. Each time we went to court, we learned so much information. I know no family is perfect but Baby H's birthparents was really dysfunctional and it broke my heart thinking that she would be going home to that again. Like Baby G, we treated Baby H like our own. Baby H needed more time and attention than Baby G though. And we gave it to her. We wanted her to feel loved, safe, and cared for. We wanted her to be a kid. She went everywhere we went. There was only a handful of times we had to get a sitter. We thoroughly enjoyed spending time with her. We brought her to church most Sundays even if we got there super late, we still went. We took her out to dinner with us. She loved going to the zoo. My best friend and her 7 yr old daughter Isabella came to visit from out of town and stayed with us for a week. From the minute the girls met, they became instant friends. They played with one another the entire time. Baby H couldn't pronounce her name and called her new friend 'Bewa'. So precious. Isabella sang to her 'Twinkle, twinkle litte star' during her diaper changes to calm her down and Baby H loved it. On the morning of their departure, we had a princess tea party. Isabella dressed up as Snow White, Baby H was dressed up as Sofia the First and I even dressed up. I wore an old bridesmaid dress. We had an assortment of fruit and sweets, coffee and tea, and milk for the kids. I took a lot of pictures (and videos). As the girls were taking a picture, Baby H turns to Isabella and gives her a hug on her own. It was the most precious thing I had ever seen. That weekend, Baby H also gave me and my husband a hug as we were holding her. She just turned around and wrapped her little arms around us. Melted our hearts. The night before she left, Isabella wanted to talk to Baby H so I called them and let the baby talk to her friend. As soon as she heard Isabella's voice, she kissed the phone. And when Isabella started singing her, she was tapping her fingers on leg and rocking to the beat of the song. So cute. Glad that we have these memories.
Next day was court and my husband and I went of course. Our case was the last one called. It was sad for me and my husband to hear the judge grant for her to be returned home based on the fact that her parents were drug free for 90 days (not enough time in my opinion) but we were angry with how we were treated at court. The case worker and CASA worker doted on the parents and praised them for being clean. BFD. You were clean for 90 days. So what's gonna happen after 90 days? Not one time did the case worker greet us or ask us how we were doing. The CASA worker is supposed to be neutral but she was mainly buzzing around them the entire time. Sure, she talked to us for about 10 minutes but that was it. We had to hear how the parents got a new carseat and crib from the agency, all donated. It's unreal how much birthparents get catered to and how the foster parents get crapped on. The foster parents are expected to be the model parents while the birthparents can shirk their role as parents. Foster parents are scrutinized while they overlook what the birthparents do.
It was our choice to do foster parenting (or maybe mine and my husband went along with it) in the hopes of adopting. Based on our most recent experience, I'm not sure if we will continue. I voiced my disappointment and anger to my licensing worker last week and as a result, we have a scheduled meeting for Aug 15th to share our feedback with the rest of the team that was involved in Baby H's case. I am normally not one to complain about anything and just go along with whatever. It will be a time for us to share our experience but for them to also share their side. I am a little nervous. Our license is expiring in Nov and I don't want them to say they don't want to work with us anymore because we are the 'squeaky wheel' but at the same time, I feel that they should know and they should make changes as this will help future foster families.
Replies
I\'m so glad you had the chance to share your love with these two precious babies and bittersweet... the \"system\" can be pretty upsetting. I\'m glad you have the strength to speak up though... because you are sooo right! I hope they listen to you and see. You, your husband and MIL are soooo awesome caring for these babies!