Foster Home Update
Ashleigh got to the foster home November 14th. I got the call the night before from Ashleigh around 9 p.m. letting me know she was going. It took all that I had not to freak out after getting that call. Since Ashleigh was little, I have worked so hard to stay away from this outcome. I have worked, read, cried, sought help - and it still came to this. Despite all of my efforts, I feel like I've failed.
Before Thanksgiving my depression had reached almost a completely low. I was crying frequently, visits to my therapist twice a in that week prior, and an eye infection that was getting on my nerves. So many feelings, so many anxiety filled moments, so many "I wanna scream, but I can't..." moments. And the all too famous "I'm tired of being nice, understanding, and giving - I want to sound off and let the world know that I'm REALLY pissed off" This was not how it was supposed to happen. Yet everything still fell apart.
Last Friday (November 23rd) we were granted an exception for a visit. Ashleigh was so excited. And rightfully so. She hadn't seen her doggie since probably early August. And of course she wanted to see the rest of us too. We had a 4 hour visit. It was AMAZING! She looked and acted so good, so healthy. I took a picture of her smiling with her new glasses on the chair at my in laws before we left. It's so nice to think of her having a genuine smile. Towards the end of the visit when Ashleigh and Darrian were sitting in the back seat, as we were bringing Ashleigh back to the foster home - things started to get agitating for Ashleigh. So I knew a 4 hour visit was a good start. And a realistic one.
The following day, Ashleigh called me eight times. Five times in a row while I was in the shower. I finally answered, we talked for a while and then I let her go to eat. A while later, maybe two hours had passed. She called again twice while I was picking Darrian up from her friend's house and driving home. Once I got home, I answered the phone. Apparently the persistent calling thing is a part of her diagnosis. She has to feel acknowledged by someone answering. If she doesn't get an immediate answer, she starts to feel like people have given up, like she's not good enough, or like people don't care. Which in my reality, is not the case. I do care. I've gone over and above the atypical process for taking care of this child. And regardless of whether she sees it, it's the truth. So the second time we talked was a more problematic call. She started complaining about not wanting to be at the foster home. She tells me and Darrian that a friend of the foster mother's looks like the guy she talked to quite frequently before she left Winnebego Mental Health named Sean. (Sean is 20 years old to Ashleigh's 16 years old. Sean also lives in Ohio, whereas Ashleigh lives in Wisconsin) Ashleigh has not been permitted to access the internet, email, or phone calls other than me while she's there. So she's getting agitated that she can't talk to Sean. She doesn't understand why we don't let her talk to him. For me, I look at it this way: This guy wants to impregnate my 16 year old daughter. This does not bode well with me. He clearly doesn't understand Ashleigh's emotional issues. There is no way motherhood would suit her right now - she needs help before she can help another life. And she's 16 for goodness sake.... wth? Seriously? Find someone else!
The lovey dovey moments have pretty much ended. We have this novelty type moment where Ashleigh loves us so implicitly. From the moment when that ends, it's back to "You guys treated me like shit", "It's not fair", and "Why won't you let me...."
During our most current CST (Community Service Team) meeting, we were reminded about why Ashleigh is presently in foster care.
These reasons including:
Excessive lying
emotional and physical abuse
suicidal ideation
multiple stays at shelter care
multiple calls to police
multiple in person and phone contacts to the crisis center
engaging in inappropriate relationships
inability to follow the rules at home
It was hard to remind myself and others about why we were there at that moment. There were so many people in the room. A social worker, juvenile court worker, placement worker, family therapy member, foster home therapy member and intern, foster home placement specialist, foster mom, Ashleigh, myself, and Eric. It was pretty overwhelming. But even though this has been especially hard on me - I was stable, somewhat. The meeting came to a close, but we had to go directly to court for the disposition hearing on the JIPS petition. That's where I again wanted to fall apart.
During our JIPS petition, the judge stated that many attempts have been tried to keep Ashleigh in the home. It was found by the court that reuniting Ashleigh with the family is not recommended at this time. It would not be recommended for the family or the child. That I would share custody of Ashleigh with the county I reside in, and that if I choose during 11/26/12 - 11/26/13 to be non compliant with the terms of the order, that my parental rights could be terminated. Obviously my level of dedication is still there. I'm going to attend appointments as needed, I'll sign documentation as needed, I'll speak when needed, I'll visit with her, talk to her, and make sure to notify if there is any change in address or phone number. As long as I do those things, I'll be fine and no change in parental rights will be made. So what's the problem, right? My mind keeps fixating on that word. Terminated.
All the while I've been doing what I could to benefit Ashleigh. Yea, things got problematic and we've been trying to resolve those things. Regardless of the efforts and intervention - I'm now being told that the county could take away my parental rights. Ashleigh's biological father did so many worse things when she was a year to 3 1/2 years old - yet he still is open to having supervised visitation if he chooses to exercise that right. (Which he hasn't) So somehow, my mind still brings me back to thinking that I'm a bad person. That somehow I asked for this. That I'm being penalized despite my best efforts.
All I want is a healthy family - mentally and emotionally. Is that REALLY too much to ask for?
Oh yea, and the next visitation I have is scheduled for December 16th. The day before my birthday. (Typically visitation isn't granted within the first 30 days of being placed in the foster home. The exception was made because of the holiday - Thanksgiving) We'll follow up with family therapy and the social worker on Wednesday this week and move forward.
I'm just not even sure what to think anymore....
Before Thanksgiving my depression had reached almost a completely low. I was crying frequently, visits to my therapist twice a in that week prior, and an eye infection that was getting on my nerves. So many feelings, so many anxiety filled moments, so many "I wanna scream, but I can't..." moments. And the all too famous "I'm tired of being nice, understanding, and giving - I want to sound off and let the world know that I'm REALLY pissed off" This was not how it was supposed to happen. Yet everything still fell apart.
Last Friday (November 23rd) we were granted an exception for a visit. Ashleigh was so excited. And rightfully so. She hadn't seen her doggie since probably early August. And of course she wanted to see the rest of us too. We had a 4 hour visit. It was AMAZING! She looked and acted so good, so healthy. I took a picture of her smiling with her new glasses on the chair at my in laws before we left. It's so nice to think of her having a genuine smile. Towards the end of the visit when Ashleigh and Darrian were sitting in the back seat, as we were bringing Ashleigh back to the foster home - things started to get agitating for Ashleigh. So I knew a 4 hour visit was a good start. And a realistic one.
The following day, Ashleigh called me eight times. Five times in a row while I was in the shower. I finally answered, we talked for a while and then I let her go to eat. A while later, maybe two hours had passed. She called again twice while I was picking Darrian up from her friend's house and driving home. Once I got home, I answered the phone. Apparently the persistent calling thing is a part of her diagnosis. She has to feel acknowledged by someone answering. If she doesn't get an immediate answer, she starts to feel like people have given up, like she's not good enough, or like people don't care. Which in my reality, is not the case. I do care. I've gone over and above the atypical process for taking care of this child. And regardless of whether she sees it, it's the truth. So the second time we talked was a more problematic call. She started complaining about not wanting to be at the foster home. She tells me and Darrian that a friend of the foster mother's looks like the guy she talked to quite frequently before she left Winnebego Mental Health named Sean. (Sean is 20 years old to Ashleigh's 16 years old. Sean also lives in Ohio, whereas Ashleigh lives in Wisconsin) Ashleigh has not been permitted to access the internet, email, or phone calls other than me while she's there. So she's getting agitated that she can't talk to Sean. She doesn't understand why we don't let her talk to him. For me, I look at it this way: This guy wants to impregnate my 16 year old daughter. This does not bode well with me. He clearly doesn't understand Ashleigh's emotional issues. There is no way motherhood would suit her right now - she needs help before she can help another life. And she's 16 for goodness sake.... wth? Seriously? Find someone else!
The lovey dovey moments have pretty much ended. We have this novelty type moment where Ashleigh loves us so implicitly. From the moment when that ends, it's back to "You guys treated me like shit", "It's not fair", and "Why won't you let me...."
During our most current CST (Community Service Team) meeting, we were reminded about why Ashleigh is presently in foster care.
These reasons including:
Excessive lying
emotional and physical abuse
suicidal ideation
multiple stays at shelter care
multiple calls to police
multiple in person and phone contacts to the crisis center
engaging in inappropriate relationships
inability to follow the rules at home
It was hard to remind myself and others about why we were there at that moment. There were so many people in the room. A social worker, juvenile court worker, placement worker, family therapy member, foster home therapy member and intern, foster home placement specialist, foster mom, Ashleigh, myself, and Eric. It was pretty overwhelming. But even though this has been especially hard on me - I was stable, somewhat. The meeting came to a close, but we had to go directly to court for the disposition hearing on the JIPS petition. That's where I again wanted to fall apart.
During our JIPS petition, the judge stated that many attempts have been tried to keep Ashleigh in the home. It was found by the court that reuniting Ashleigh with the family is not recommended at this time. It would not be recommended for the family or the child. That I would share custody of Ashleigh with the county I reside in, and that if I choose during 11/26/12 - 11/26/13 to be non compliant with the terms of the order, that my parental rights could be terminated. Obviously my level of dedication is still there. I'm going to attend appointments as needed, I'll sign documentation as needed, I'll speak when needed, I'll visit with her, talk to her, and make sure to notify if there is any change in address or phone number. As long as I do those things, I'll be fine and no change in parental rights will be made. So what's the problem, right? My mind keeps fixating on that word. Terminated.
All the while I've been doing what I could to benefit Ashleigh. Yea, things got problematic and we've been trying to resolve those things. Regardless of the efforts and intervention - I'm now being told that the county could take away my parental rights. Ashleigh's biological father did so many worse things when she was a year to 3 1/2 years old - yet he still is open to having supervised visitation if he chooses to exercise that right. (Which he hasn't) So somehow, my mind still brings me back to thinking that I'm a bad person. That somehow I asked for this. That I'm being penalized despite my best efforts.
All I want is a healthy family - mentally and emotionally. Is that REALLY too much to ask for?
Oh yea, and the next visitation I have is scheduled for December 16th. The day before my birthday. (Typically visitation isn't granted within the first 30 days of being placed in the foster home. The exception was made because of the holiday - Thanksgiving) We'll follow up with family therapy and the social worker on Wednesday this week and move forward.
I'm just not even sure what to think anymore....
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