Forward - not back.
Dr. Appt. Was Teh Suxxorz. I cried the whole way home. I hate the new doctor. I was feeling completely let down and frustrated and disappointed. I had low expectations going in, so I wasn't really disappointed, just sort of reveling in, "SEE!! SEE! I told you so!" Except I really was feeling inconsolable and miserable - more than was justifiable, so I was trying to figure out why all this was hitting me so hard.
I finally realized something VERY important. A good portion of the reason I am SO messed up right now is because having my back hurt this bad is very PTSD/triggery. The last time I was in this much pain I kept going back to the doctor and even went to the ER and I was blown off. I was told it was nothing. AND... at the same time I kept feeling like something was wrong in my marriage and every time I'd bring it up to my husband I was blown off. I was right. While I was at home in agonizing pain, he was stepping out with Skankalottawhore.
It is a constant battle to try to bring myself to the present and remind myself that THIS IS NOW. Things may be similar, but they are NOT the same. Even with that sort of mantra running through my head, I was spiraling every downward at an increasing rate until I read Aronia's most recent journal entry and realized I'm only down if I stop getting back up.
So I'm getting back up.
The doctor is a fuckhead (sorry to those of you offended by my indelicate language) but he did order an MRI and even he should be able to get some information from that. Even if he doesn't, I can take the MRI to someone else. There IS something wrong. I refuse to be blown off, anymore. I know better. I know to listen to that little voice inside and I know to act on it, so I AM. If this doctor can't or won't help, then I'll find one who will. I won't stop until there's a plan of action in place. Maybe whatever this is can't be entirely fixed, but I can still come up with a plan to manage and do the best I can with the hand I'm dealt. I can't do that until I KNOW what hand has been dealt.
So moving forward... not back. This isn't about what happened two years ago. This isn't about the herniated disc that was removed. It's GONE. This isn't about my husband's affair. It's OVER. This is about me being in pain today and the actions I am taking today to try to get better.
I finally realized something VERY important. A good portion of the reason I am SO messed up right now is because having my back hurt this bad is very PTSD/triggery. The last time I was in this much pain I kept going back to the doctor and even went to the ER and I was blown off. I was told it was nothing. AND... at the same time I kept feeling like something was wrong in my marriage and every time I'd bring it up to my husband I was blown off. I was right. While I was at home in agonizing pain, he was stepping out with Skankalottawhore.
It is a constant battle to try to bring myself to the present and remind myself that THIS IS NOW. Things may be similar, but they are NOT the same. Even with that sort of mantra running through my head, I was spiraling every downward at an increasing rate until I read Aronia's most recent journal entry and realized I'm only down if I stop getting back up.
So I'm getting back up.
The doctor is a fuckhead (sorry to those of you offended by my indelicate language) but he did order an MRI and even he should be able to get some information from that. Even if he doesn't, I can take the MRI to someone else. There IS something wrong. I refuse to be blown off, anymore. I know better. I know to listen to that little voice inside and I know to act on it, so I AM. If this doctor can't or won't help, then I'll find one who will. I won't stop until there's a plan of action in place. Maybe whatever this is can't be entirely fixed, but I can still come up with a plan to manage and do the best I can with the hand I'm dealt. I can't do that until I KNOW what hand has been dealt.
So moving forward... not back. This isn't about what happened two years ago. This isn't about the herniated disc that was removed. It's GONE. This isn't about my husband's affair. It's OVER. This is about me being in pain today and the actions I am taking today to try to get better.
Replies
Good for you!! I hope you will find someone really good.
I think one of the best way to find a good doctor is get a referral from an emergency room staff. I know it sounds crazy, but we know who is good and who takes care of their patients.
If you want, call an ER that you trust and as to speak with a charge nurse. They shouldn\'t turn you away. If you tell them that you want to \" find a specialist who will take care of you instead of sending you to the ER for pain management\" they will give you a LOT of help.
Sorry you are in pain. I\'ve suffered for 28 years with back pain. I get acute episodes of muscle spasms that are un believably painful. I\'ve been through every drug and had many treatments
The pain specialist felt it was nerve base and prescribed zanaflex. It is a non addictive pain killer that works at the nerve level. This was and still is magic. I have not had a full blown episode since. If I get a twinge of back pain I take one and it keeps it at bay.
Just thought I would pass this on incase it could work for you.