Forgiveness
I have been having a hard time forgiving a friend of Andy's. One of his very best friends from 3rd grade on, named Link, with whom Andy shared a million things, and with whom he lived in several places. They called each other "Brother from another Mother". Link called me Mama Sarah. He is a wild dude, with dreads and a cosmic POV. Here are my grievances with Link:
1. He kicked Andy out of his house in Asheville last February. I understood this was because Link's wife was pregnant and couldn't cope with the smoke, the smell, the late-night disruptions of her precious sleep. It hurt Andy's feelings too, but he let it go.
2. He made no attempts to see Andy in March or April when Andy was back there visiting. Heidi finally took Andy over to see Link at his job the day before they drove back to Maine, a week before Andy died. I have pix of them hugging 'good-bye' for the last time. (Did LInk just not get it, that his friend was dying??)
3. Best friends came from all over the world to see Andy before he died, and we made the memorial service 4 days later so that we could have them with us before they had to go back to Africa, Samoa, California, Peru, etc. (Link: no show.)
4. Since Andy's passing, no letter, no email, no call. (Just too painful?)
One of MY best friends, who loved Andy very much, like another mother, asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling about Link, who's back in Maine on vacation this week and next. I said I was still struggling. She very sensitively reminded me that when [another kid from their high school] Dara was killed by a falling tree four years ago, people were very confused (and hurt) that my sons were nowhere to be found. I cringe at this but it's the truth. Andy was shattered, and so was Byron, in different ways, and neither one of them reached out to Dara's family or showed up, in any way. Dang kids. They never were perfect, lol.
If I want Andy and Byron forgiven (and I do) for not having the know-how to reach out, show up, or comfort Dara's family, I have to forgive Link for the same. In the last year, I've seen Byron grow as a man, and I see him relating to Dara's parents as an adult. Maybe Link can get there too. We cannot change other people, we have to accept them as they are, like it or not. I will tell him where I am now, to the point that it will be mutually nurturing, but not to retaliate for my hurt feelings. He has got to be hurting too. I have heard that forgiving others is not what you do for them, it's what you do for yourself. This feels like a good opportunity to practice some hi-fi forgiveness.
1. He kicked Andy out of his house in Asheville last February. I understood this was because Link's wife was pregnant and couldn't cope with the smoke, the smell, the late-night disruptions of her precious sleep. It hurt Andy's feelings too, but he let it go.
2. He made no attempts to see Andy in March or April when Andy was back there visiting. Heidi finally took Andy over to see Link at his job the day before they drove back to Maine, a week before Andy died. I have pix of them hugging 'good-bye' for the last time. (Did LInk just not get it, that his friend was dying??)
3. Best friends came from all over the world to see Andy before he died, and we made the memorial service 4 days later so that we could have them with us before they had to go back to Africa, Samoa, California, Peru, etc. (Link: no show.)
4. Since Andy's passing, no letter, no email, no call. (Just too painful?)
One of MY best friends, who loved Andy very much, like another mother, asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling about Link, who's back in Maine on vacation this week and next. I said I was still struggling. She very sensitively reminded me that when [another kid from their high school] Dara was killed by a falling tree four years ago, people were very confused (and hurt) that my sons were nowhere to be found. I cringe at this but it's the truth. Andy was shattered, and so was Byron, in different ways, and neither one of them reached out to Dara's family or showed up, in any way. Dang kids. They never were perfect, lol.
If I want Andy and Byron forgiven (and I do) for not having the know-how to reach out, show up, or comfort Dara's family, I have to forgive Link for the same. In the last year, I've seen Byron grow as a man, and I see him relating to Dara's parents as an adult. Maybe Link can get there too. We cannot change other people, we have to accept them as they are, like it or not. I will tell him where I am now, to the point that it will be mutually nurturing, but not to retaliate for my hurt feelings. He has got to be hurting too. I have heard that forgiving others is not what you do for them, it's what you do for yourself. This feels like a good opportunity to practice some hi-fi forgiveness.
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