forgiveness

I talked to my Mother a moment yesterday. She told me that my brother told her that she is meddlesome and a producer of calamity.Basically a sh.t stirrer.He said it the second way and was notnice and also told her that her other children know it but will not say it. This is true but I could not say it.I hope , although it hurt her that she sees a little of that in herself because all of us are distant with her because of the way we grew up and the pain and axiety she produces in our lives today.  Growing up was horrible in my home and none of us left that home with self esteem or appropriate coping skills to get us by. It sucked.My had five children by the age of 24and I know it was hard.The self worth and coping skills she left her home with did not serve her well either.So I also know that every comment about how stupid, ugly, lazy, useless that I heard , yes on a daily basis and the fear I lived with, physical and emotional stuck with me. I fled at the age of eighteen so they could not continue the abuse, however I picked up where they left off and was just as cruel to myself. I have inflicted the same self talk on myself many more times in my head that they ever did. I have a responsibility in that damage also.Yeah I know that I did not know better so I can not dwell on that. Oh but wait, She did not know any better or have anything more to give.I know for a fact the guilt she lives with and also the pain of reaping what she has sown is horrible and overwhelming. How can I hold this against her know in my life when I have the opportunity to do things differently and have had many nurturing people in my life that loved and encouraged me and brought me to where I am today. I do know better. When you know better you do better.    I feel a responsibility to both of my parents today to be a part of their life, yes maybe at a slight distance to stay out of the line of fire. I can protect myself today, therefore I do not have to cut them out of my life. My way to give back what has been freely given me and my way of healing the past is by trying to be supportive, loving son.I am still working through some of my past abuses and I have hurt and anger and pain but I chose not to see my mother as the same person that hurt me.Well I have rambled again but it helps quiet the mind. :)