Forgiveness
I have been having a hard time forgiving a friend of Andy's. One of his very best friends from 3rd grade on, named Link, with whom Andy shared a million things, and with whom he lived in several places. They called each other "Brother from another Mother". Link called me Mama Sarah. He is a wild dude, with dreads and a cosmic POV. Here are my grievances with Link:
1. He kicked Andy out of his house in Asheville last February. I understood this was because Link's wife was pregnant and couldn't cope with the smoke, the smell, the late-night disruptions of her precious sleep. It hurt Andy's feelings too, but he let it go.
2. He made no attempts to see Andy in March or April when Andy was back there visiting. Heidi finally took Andy over to see Link at his job the day before they drove back to Maine, a week before Andy died. I have pix of them hugging 'good-bye' for the last time. (Did LInk just not get it, that his friend was dying??)
3. Best friends came from all over the world to see Andy before he died, and we made the memorial service 4 days later so that we could have them with us before they had to go back to Africa, Samoa, California, Peru, etc. (Link: no show.)
4. Since Andy's passing, no letter, no email, no call. (Just too painful?)
One of MY best friends, who loved Andy very much, like another mother, asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling about Link, who's back in Maine on vacation this week and next. I said I was still struggling. She very sensitively reminded me that when [another kid from their high school] Dara was killed by a falling tree four years ago, people were very confused (and hurt) that my sons were nowhere to be found. I cringe at this but it's the truth. Andy was shattered, and so was Byron, in different ways, and neither one of them reached out to Dara's family or showed up, in any way. Dang kids. They never were perfect, lol.
If I want Andy and Byron forgiven (and I do) for not having the know-how to reach out, show up, or comfort Dara's family, I have to forgive Link for the same. In the last year, I've seen Byron grow as a man, and I see him relating to Dara's parents as an adult. Maybe Link can get there too. We cannot change other people, we have to accept them as they are, like it or not. I will tell him where I am now, to the point that it will be mutually nurturing, but not to retaliate for my hurt feelings. He has got to be hurting too. I have heard that forgiving others is not what you do for them, it's what you do for yourself. This feels like a good opportunity to practice some hi-fi forgiveness.
1. He kicked Andy out of his house in Asheville last February. I understood this was because Link's wife was pregnant and couldn't cope with the smoke, the smell, the late-night disruptions of her precious sleep. It hurt Andy's feelings too, but he let it go.
2. He made no attempts to see Andy in March or April when Andy was back there visiting. Heidi finally took Andy over to see Link at his job the day before they drove back to Maine, a week before Andy died. I have pix of them hugging 'good-bye' for the last time. (Did LInk just not get it, that his friend was dying??)
3. Best friends came from all over the world to see Andy before he died, and we made the memorial service 4 days later so that we could have them with us before they had to go back to Africa, Samoa, California, Peru, etc. (Link: no show.)
4. Since Andy's passing, no letter, no email, no call. (Just too painful?)
One of MY best friends, who loved Andy very much, like another mother, asked me how I was doing and how I was feeling about Link, who's back in Maine on vacation this week and next. I said I was still struggling. She very sensitively reminded me that when [another kid from their high school] Dara was killed by a falling tree four years ago, people were very confused (and hurt) that my sons were nowhere to be found. I cringe at this but it's the truth. Andy was shattered, and so was Byron, in different ways, and neither one of them reached out to Dara's family or showed up, in any way. Dang kids. They never were perfect, lol.
If I want Andy and Byron forgiven (and I do) for not having the know-how to reach out, show up, or comfort Dara's family, I have to forgive Link for the same. In the last year, I've seen Byron grow as a man, and I see him relating to Dara's parents as an adult. Maybe Link can get there too. We cannot change other people, we have to accept them as they are, like it or not. I will tell him where I am now, to the point that it will be mutually nurturing, but not to retaliate for my hurt feelings. He has got to be hurting too. I have heard that forgiving others is not what you do for them, it's what you do for yourself. This feels like a good opportunity to practice some hi-fi forgiveness.
Replies
Such wisdom. Letting go of anger and frustration is always for us and not for those we forgive.
I have a friend named Pam. We have been friends literally all of our lives ~ our parents were neighbors and good friends when we were born (she\'s a year younger than I am). Senior year in high school when her parents went to the Philippines on sabbatical Pam lived with our family before joining her parents after we graduated. We were best friends and \"sisters from another mother\" (love that expression!) Pam was a bridesmaid at my wedding. We cheered each other on through the births and raising of each of our three children. When Pam had her third child in her late 30s, her husband said to me \"don\'t worry Debbie ~ as soon as Rick turns 40 you\'ll have another baby.\" And we did ~ Corrie.
We kept in touch through the years, a bit less after we moved from the east coast to the west coast. Pam visited us once in Seattle and we had a grand time ~ like no time had passed at all. Last summer when she heard the news about Corrie I never heard a word. She wrote sweet, caring, detailed notes to my mother (my father passed on my birthday three weeks after Corrie) and sisters. No word. I thought \"well, we moved and she doesn\'t have our new address\". We sent Christmas letters out early to share our devastating news with everyone on the list, including some who may not have known. I FINALLY got a brief note in response to the Christmas letter saying \"I didn\'t send a card because I didn\'t want to believe it.\" WHAT???? If you didn\'t want to believe it, how do you think I feel?????
Anyway ~ I think Pam and perhaps Andy\'s friend Link don\'t deal well with tragic losses so close to home (other than their own family losses).
So ~ let\'s hear it for some \"hi-five forgiveness\"!
Sending much love and understanding hugs ~ Debbie
I learned how very hard it was on Billy\'s friends when he died - they all reacted in very different ways. Billy never told any of them he had cancer - he would go out with them when they would come home from college on weekends (Billy had opted to go to DeVry University right by our house so he still lived at home.) The phone calls I got with his friends asking why & what happened in tears.... I have learned we can not control how others react only how we react to them - your forgiveness I am sure would lift a huge burden from Link\'s shoulders - I am sure he never thought the \"last\" hug was truly a last hug. When we were told Billy only had weeks to live - I never really gave up that hope - I didn\'t believe it until I saw him take his last breath.
Last summer I was at a family wedding & spent most of the night talking to one of Dan\'s cousins who\'s son, about 5 years earlier, witnessed his best friend die in a car accident. I gave him the perspective of a parent losing a child - his son has had all kinds of problems since & seems to have finally gotten his life straightened out. I told Dan\'s cousin that kids - yes, they are still kids, at that age are infalible & nothing is going to happen to them or their friends. They are just not equiped to handle it when something does - not only has losing a child/friend way beyond our grasp but theirs also.
I know it will be hard but reach out to Link & let him know you still love him & worry about him. He is probably afraid of going to you - the pain is just too much. You are a very strong & special person to be able to forgive him - just remember he is hurting also. Hugs, Ann
So true, so true. I am guilt
I am guilty of holding a grudge against a couple of people (relatives) who I feel did not respond in kindness or spoke or sent any words whatsoever when my daughter, Denise died. But holding grudges like that hardens my heart and makes me a person I do not like. So I\'m trying to forgive them so I can be a happier person. Hope this makes sense to you. May you find peace in your heart. Truly your friend, Barb
I understand that some people young and old don\'t know how to deal with death. Some are afraid for themselves others just don\'t know what to say. It is easy to advoid the subject. The young many times learn how to deal with it but to be young makes it harder to understand that someone that is your peer can be gone. Others at an older age just can\'t handle it. I know it is easy to say \"forgive Link\" but it is another to forget the hurt from his abscense. Reach out!
Your very couragous to give forgiveness. And your are so right, it will help both your family and Link\'s......
My heart aches when several people disappointed me about how they handled Alex\'s death...but as you say...we must forgive. And people are JUST people...meaning they are human...full of flaws...love to you...Karen
oops posted this in the wrong place last night. THIS is where it should be!
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UPDATE! I went to Link\'s baby shower yesterday, and to a big BBQ tonight where he and his wife were. I gave them a check (instead of the 99th onesie) and a letter, very loving, PLUS a copy of the program from Andy\'s service and obit. Just thought it might give them a moment of being in touch with the reality that we share, in a gentle way. Tonight they both said thank you and it was good. I feel good about moving on from that bitter disappointment. I had a melt-down this morning about seeing all these kids and their parents. My husband was lovely about it. He said it\'s hard to see them all having all these experiences when Andy has NOTHING. Thank you sweetie, for realizing that my sorrow is yes about me sometimes but also FOR Andy, for the fact that he has the absence of experience, that he\'ll never know this or that joy. A mother aches for her child\'s experience.... or grieves for the absence of experience.
Forgiveness is what it\'s all about... I have had to begin with myself first and then continue to work on this one daily. I do believe that it was just too painful for Link and so happy to read what you just wrote. This moment of healing is so huge for all of you and thank you for reminding us that we are able to do this now. I had to learn that forgiveness does not have to mean that I accept what happened and that has helped me so much. Appreciate this entry dear Sarah and I always look forward to what you share with us. Do you feel \"lighter?\" I always do when I\'ve had these kinds of experiences. Lots of love your way. Joanie
I heard a quote once about a woman who had a hard time forgiving a close friend for a betrayl. She was told \"leave a place for forgiveness in your heart, and when it comes, let it in\". I\'ve always loved that thought. It says to me, it\'s OK to be human and be bitter if needed, but only for a while. When you\'re ready, that place is open in your heart and you can let forgiveness in. I\'m so happy you took that first step with Link and let that disappointment go. It\'s so hard for us as older adults and parents to find coping mechanisms so I know these younger adults are still finding their way. Sending you love and hugs. Robin
I\'m so glad you have found a way to forgive. I\'m still working on it. With everything going on right now regarding the gun that killed Nathan, I\'m even more angry than I\'ve ever been. I hope one day, I will be able to forgive. Hugs, Danette
Hello Sweetie,
I think this will be short~so not me. While Tara Lynn was fighting cancer, I thought that if I did everything God said to do, that he might save her. So I forgave every bad person and every good person who had done horrific things to me.
Then I got confused. I would still get angry and disgusted with them from time to time. Hadn\'t I really forgiven them? Yes, I had, but the anger and/or hurt can still pop up, still make you reel, then you forgive (let go) again, and again, and yet again.
Just in case YOU get confused.
Your friend,
Gale Sue