Forget I can write here
I should write on this journal from now on, I forget its on this site, and post things for everyone to read that I regret later on. I reached out to a former therapist about my ED, who knows about ED's. Wasn't expecting her to get back to me at 1:00 in the morning. Anyhow, I think I woke her up, she gave me a resource to a well known ED clinic. That I've avoided due to the "set point theory". Is it just me or does allowing your "body" to decide your weight and having your dietician tell you when you're there freak anyone else out?
But I feel like I need support before I spiral out of control. I feel I'm already there. I have a confession. I never stopped the laxative use I said I would stop a few weeks ago. I'm becoming more dependent on it, and I want to stop, but I can't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I have to eat "normal" around family, so they think I'm okay. It sucks!
But I feel like I need support before I spiral out of control. I feel I'm already there. I have a confession. I never stopped the laxative use I said I would stop a few weeks ago. I'm becoming more dependent on it, and I want to stop, but I can't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I have to eat "normal" around family, so they think I'm okay. It sucks!
Replies
The set point theory makes sense to me - my weight has been stable for a long time now (OK those couple of weeks when I couldt exercise I lost over a kilo that has come back now Im exercising again) but I stay within a couple of kilos without trying hard. On the other hand there are a lot of people who dont have eating disorders but struggle with a tendency to be overweight... (Is this due to chronic lack of exercise and really poor diet choices? ! - I guess it is for some people but I dont want to \"blame\" overweight people on diet or lifestyle and anyway thats another question altogether)
I decided to check where I am myself with regard to ideal weight. Im several kilos over the minimum healthy for my height but far from the upper limit that is still regarded as healthy for my height. At one time I remember a therapist suggesting I might be better off a couple of kilos heavier and at the time I couldt accept the idea. I felt I was already fat enough as it was and there was no way I could accept any more weight. But now Im there and it does seem to be the right weight for me. I dont feel fatter (and probably Im not since Ive taken up various physical activities since those days and Im more muscular) It would freak me out however to be told I have to be 15 kg heavier (which some charts allow as a healthy weight for my height.
Go ahead and get in touch with the ED clinic. Gaining weight is scary and it takes time to adjust to that but you will certainly get support from your friends her in DS. I hope youd also find support in dealing with all the life events and circumstances that have \"broken you down\" and are fighting to keep you down.
Don\'t worry, you didn\'t trigger me, I triggered myself. :) May check my journal later if you want (if I write today). I agree with Kathy, it can\'t hurt to check out the clinic, even if you don\'t believe everything they try to teach you, it could still help you at least for the short term, til you\'re able to maintain a healthier weight for you.
I just talked to the clinic and they don\'t accept Medicaid. It was worth a try. I need to get a job with insurance, but I don\'t feel confident or capable of working in social work right now. I\'m too big of a mess. And I\'m scared I can\'t hold down a full time job because my anxiety is so bad.
Hopefully I will get a therapist soon. I\'ll also talk to my doctor, and try stopping the laxatives. Maybe I can do a protein shake diet for a while.
Im really sorry that the clinic doest accept your Medicaid. I understand how you feel unable to work. I feel the same way despite being physically healthy and eating well.
In your current situation I think protein shakes would be a good idea. When eating is frightening it helps to have controlled portions and of course its valuable to get nutrients in tasty form thats easy to eat and digest.
Thanks Kathy. I struggled big time with set point theory. I came out of the hospital having gained 35 lbs, I thought I was done and wasn\'t expecting to have to gain another 10 lbs. I would push myself and get just about to where they said my body wanted me (eating SO MUCH food) but would panic and my weight would drop. It was a rollercoaster, and after 1.5 years of this they were done with me. Not sure why I mistrusted them and my body so much, but it terrified me, like you said, I already felt so fat and did not want to get fatter. Tx was hard. Maybe its not for me anyway. But I wish I did have that magic wand you mentioned. :0) I agree controlled portions help tremendously and I really need structure right now and nutrients.