for the rest of my life?
I'm sitting in bed, crying and wondering if this is how my life is really going to be. The cravings, the desire to binge, are both so strong and take over my whole being! I don't want to have to fight this for the rest of my life. Looking back I can see I had a tendency toward these behaviors but didn't recognize it for what it was until the past year. I've cut out sugary foods because those are the ones I tend to binge on, although I've done it with other foods as well. I did great for 2 months until I got a big box of food in the mail from caring friends who didn't know. It was all downhill from there. Now I'm starting over and this is day 3 and the cravings keep coming and coming!! Sometimes I wonder what it's like to live a life without a sugar addiction and an ED....
Replies
I\'m sorry you are in so much pain (((big hug))).
I know the pain of the cravings and the desires to obliterate your feelings with food whilst at the same time wanting to stay in control, because losing control makes you feel so crappy and disgusting.
Do you have a counsellor you are seeing? I ask this because I\'ve found from my own journey that I could not recover on my own. I\'ve battled EDs since my teens (now 50 - soon to be 51 next week - gulp, LOL...). At first I had bad anorexia for many years and exercised excessively (3-4 hours of running per day etc) then the starvation kicked in and the bad food cravings surfaced, and I struggled with cravings and cyclical binging for many years. It was horrid; the pain, the self-hatred, the shame; I wasn\'t living I was surviving!! Much of the time I felt so hopeless. I have found my walk with the Lord has become much more real as I\'ve poured out my pain to Him and allowed Him to \"love on me\" unconditionally as only He can, and have seen Him heal me bit by bit. For a long time I\'d buried the pain of abuse, rejection, physical torture etc from my family of origin, deep inside. It\'s taken alot of consistent small steps, learning to trust in the Lord\'s love and care over many years, for me to learn to slowly let go and surrender to Him and to trust Him. When everyone significant in your life has betrayed/hurt you, trust doesn\'t come easy. Well, this is my story - bits of it anyways. Hope it\'s okay to share with you. I did so because I wanted to encourage you not to spiral down into hopelessness. If I can heal and get free bit by bit, so can you. The Lord is able! He loves you S/L with a passion. In His eyes you are perfect!! Kim xx
Thank you for sharing! I\'m a senior college student, still living with my parents on breaks, although I go to school out of state. I\'ve managed to completely hide my ED from my family; if they suspect they haven\'t said anything. I don\'t have a counselor; I\'ve tried to get counseling but I can\'t do it without insurance. If I use my insurance, my parents will find out and I\'m not ready to tell them yet. Honestly I\'m not sure if they would truly understand that it\'s a disorder and not simply a lack of self control. But I\'m so happy to hear your story and how you\'re trusting in the Lord! This has been a big step for me in the right direction - reading Scripture passages that apply, such as Philippians 4:13: \"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!\" Right now the only counseling I get is through online things that I read, my Bible, and this site. Also any encouragement I get from the one friend who knows helps too. I completely understand the feeling of not living but only surviving. I want to live a joyful and fulfilling life for the Lord, not wasting it being obsessed with food! Thanks again for the encouraging words. :)