For No One

No one ever reads journals on here, but maybe if I write this down it will help me deal with it. I've begun to realize I have a real problem with Social Anxiety Disorder and looking back to count the cost, it is a life altering tragedy. I do well with people on-on-one but beyond that the risk gets higher and higher.
 
If I am talking to a friend it's always a positive thing for me. If another person shows up I begin to wonder how the two are going to talk about me when I am not around. When a group of people show up I am sure they wish I would leave. Family members are a different matter, completely. If I am having a private conversation with one family member I choose my words well and I am very guarded because I know eventually they will discuss our conversation with the others. Around a group of family members I am at my worst. I am like a cornered wild animal and attack every chance I get. It's my only means of escape, because family are the most vicious hunters of all.
 
The thing that makes me the angry is people don't understand SAD and so they try to reason a way around it. They offer arguments like, "then how can you go to the mall, or to a football game?" Well in the case of public gatherings, I am not a center of attention. In fact no one pays any attention to anyone, for example at a football game with 60,000 people. You pay attention to your buddy next to you and the crowd as a whole, but not on individual strangers.
 
Looking back, SAD has cost me more than I could ever to recover in one lifetime. My entire life is a do-over because of it.