FOR NEW MOMS WHO DON'T KNOW MY STORY!!
I apologize for not being on here that often. I've been riding the waves, the ups and downs, struggling with anxiety, feelings of sadness on a daily basis, it overwhelmes my focus to the point of being speechless.
My oldest and only Son Ryan was 18 almost 19 when he went to heaven. On good friday April 14, 2006 Easter Weekend Ryan made a fatal mistake. The police pulled him over on the side of the road and he was afraid of getting caught with pills he had on him. He had a few of oxycotin in a tied baggie and he swollowed them. Not thinking straight, he had taken a few klonopins before.. I heard my 14 year old daughter Erica, which is now (21yrs of age), She found him laying on the floor and yelled "MOM RYAN DOEN"T LOOK LIKE HE IS BREATHING" I SCREAMED, ran upstairs scared to death how I was gonna deal with what to do, actually his life ran through my head like a tape rewinding back of Ryan's whole life. As I entered the bedroom I stopped at the doorway of my daughters bedroom, Ryan was laying on the floor face down his arms were crossed with his head on his arms.. I could see the back of his arms were bluish, I KNEW, OMG I SCREAMED, I called 911. They said give him CPR, I said but he's dead he is hard and blue.. They said give him CPR anyway..So I did, NOTHING... When they came, the woman ran into the room to help me she looked at him and said to me I am Sorry...I told her when I turned Ryan over, his Spirit had left his body hours ago.. Ryan's spirit was not in his body anymore, His body was just a shell, and he was soaring his way to heaven...Ryan's beautiful shell, his handsome shell was the part, I'll never forget..April 15, 2006 Ryan turned into an angel, April 20th was is funeral, April 21st we had a ceremony of the scattering of his ashes, at the Beach where we always went to all the time when they were little..
I've had So many Coincidences, dreams and amazing signs to let me know Ryan is OK with where he is at..He communicates with me through numbers more now then anything, he knew I would understand through numbers...Although numbers were very much there right from the start... I noticed I see triple numbers alot, certain ones at different ocassions, times that the meaning is very much needed, helping me through another breakthrough, which Ryan knows I need it at the time... When my mind heart in soul is insync, the signs come to me clearly...It seems to help me through, until I need another reminder again from Ryan...
.Its along story and I have a hard time dealing with the what ifs, the whys, all the guilt, anger, disbelief, excruciating pain the worst pain ever, beyond words only a mom who have lost a child knows. So many things were going on at the time. (a long story) "CHAOS"!!! 2 weeks before he left us, I had alot of premonitions, visions, overwhelming flashes something was gonna happen to Ryan. I have some journals written with the premonitions, intuitions, overwhelming visions which I need to find so you can read them... It has been 6 1/2 years now since Ryan went to heaven and our "ForMomsOnly" group has grown hugh since then with new moms who have lost their precious Child too... Every time I see a new mom join our group, my heart sinks knowing what you have to go through until you can see the light and feel like life will be Ok someday. It will get easier as you go through the grieving process... It is a process learning how to "feel deal & heal" which took me 3 years, then each year is different, we will never get over it, but we learn our own tricks to cope....
April 15, 2006 Ryan turned into an angel, April 20th was is funeral, April 21st we had a ceremony of the scattering of his ashes, at the Beach where we always went to all the time..I've had So many Coincidences, dreams and amazing signs to let me know Ryan is OK with where he is at in heaven. He communicates alot with numbers, which helps me through until I need another breakthrough of sadness.....
Now the Holidays are here again, which is very hard for the 1st 3yrs, each year gets a little easier in some ways. Do what you want to do, if you want to lay in bed, don't feel bad for what other peoples opinions, blah blah blah, they don't know anything about losing a child...So don't feel guilty!!!
My back is out and I need to get back soon... I promise it will be soon.. I'm not very good writting journals..One of my chacter defect...Love to all, XOXO Kelly
My oldest and only Son Ryan was 18 almost 19 when he went to heaven. On good friday April 14, 2006 Easter Weekend Ryan made a fatal mistake. The police pulled him over on the side of the road and he was afraid of getting caught with pills he had on him. He had a few of oxycotin in a tied baggie and he swollowed them. Not thinking straight, he had taken a few klonopins before.. I heard my 14 year old daughter Erica, which is now (21yrs of age), She found him laying on the floor and yelled "MOM RYAN DOEN"T LOOK LIKE HE IS BREATHING" I SCREAMED, ran upstairs scared to death how I was gonna deal with what to do, actually his life ran through my head like a tape rewinding back of Ryan's whole life. As I entered the bedroom I stopped at the doorway of my daughters bedroom, Ryan was laying on the floor face down his arms were crossed with his head on his arms.. I could see the back of his arms were bluish, I KNEW, OMG I SCREAMED, I called 911. They said give him CPR, I said but he's dead he is hard and blue.. They said give him CPR anyway..So I did, NOTHING... When they came, the woman ran into the room to help me she looked at him and said to me I am Sorry...I told her when I turned Ryan over, his Spirit had left his body hours ago.. Ryan's spirit was not in his body anymore, His body was just a shell, and he was soaring his way to heaven...Ryan's beautiful shell, his handsome shell was the part, I'll never forget..April 15, 2006 Ryan turned into an angel, April 20th was is funeral, April 21st we had a ceremony of the scattering of his ashes, at the Beach where we always went to all the time when they were little..
I've had So many Coincidences, dreams and amazing signs to let me know Ryan is OK with where he is at..He communicates with me through numbers more now then anything, he knew I would understand through numbers...Although numbers were very much there right from the start... I noticed I see triple numbers alot, certain ones at different ocassions, times that the meaning is very much needed, helping me through another breakthrough, which Ryan knows I need it at the time... When my mind heart in soul is insync, the signs come to me clearly...It seems to help me through, until I need another reminder again from Ryan...
.Its along story and I have a hard time dealing with the what ifs, the whys, all the guilt, anger, disbelief, excruciating pain the worst pain ever, beyond words only a mom who have lost a child knows. So many things were going on at the time. (a long story) "CHAOS"!!! 2 weeks before he left us, I had alot of premonitions, visions, overwhelming flashes something was gonna happen to Ryan. I have some journals written with the premonitions, intuitions, overwhelming visions which I need to find so you can read them... It has been 6 1/2 years now since Ryan went to heaven and our "ForMomsOnly" group has grown hugh since then with new moms who have lost their precious Child too... Every time I see a new mom join our group, my heart sinks knowing what you have to go through until you can see the light and feel like life will be Ok someday. It will get easier as you go through the grieving process... It is a process learning how to "feel deal & heal" which took me 3 years, then each year is different, we will never get over it, but we learn our own tricks to cope....
April 15, 2006 Ryan turned into an angel, April 20th was is funeral, April 21st we had a ceremony of the scattering of his ashes, at the Beach where we always went to all the time..I've had So many Coincidences, dreams and amazing signs to let me know Ryan is OK with where he is at in heaven. He communicates alot with numbers, which helps me through until I need another breakthrough of sadness.....
Now the Holidays are here again, which is very hard for the 1st 3yrs, each year gets a little easier in some ways. Do what you want to do, if you want to lay in bed, don't feel bad for what other peoples opinions, blah blah blah, they don't know anything about losing a child...So don't feel guilty!!!
My back is out and I need to get back soon... I promise it will be soon.. I'm not very good writting journals..One of my chacter defect...Love to all, XOXO Kelly
Replies
Kelly I know how hard it is to voice what happened. It takes you back to that moment that day that changed your life forever. I see a lot of Mom\'s are doing what you just did, helping the newer Mom\'s by showing the road from total blackness to a bearable existence. I think it\'s wonderful that you are doing this.
Sending love, Terry
It must be so hard to live that day. I too had premonitions - perhaps not premonitions but a gut feeling that Lisa would not live long. I truly believe she knew that too. It is so hard to know it and not be able to change fate.
Such good advice for new members of FMO. It is 3 years on December 1. I still find Christmas hard. It was Lisa\'s favorite time of the year. This year we are going to a cabin by the ocean and just be.
Take care and I hope your back goes in again!
Hugs, Marlene
Kelly you don\'t HAVE any character \"defects\" and no one who is in your shoes (as we all are, much unfortunately) expects anything unless, and until, you\'re ready. I have an online friend named Martha who found her 12 year old son hanging in the garage...she had to make the decision to take him off life support. Her life is destroyed, she has not been able to recover. She calls the holidays the \"horrordays\"...I think we all need to make whatever adjustments we have to. God bless you.
jill
I never had any premonitions, never about my daughter. She was never the one I had to worry about, or so I thought. I did had the bad thoughts about my son not coming home, or getting a phone call telling me he had an accident, whatever, but never my daughter. Maybe that is why today I still can\'t believe it. Your journal tells us so much and I am so sorry you lost your son. You are a very wise woman to tell us to celebrate these holidays in whatever way is easiest on us. No one can ever walk in our shoes, let alone know what we are feeling. Take care of you. Your friend, BW
Hey Kelly, I love you!!! We need to relive it, tell it, over and over. Oh and I miss you!
Kelly ~ I am one of the new moms here, even tho my sons passed away 4yrs ago. Thank you for sharing with us your most intimate story. It most likely has a two fold effect. It helps us new moms know your personal story & feel a connection with you. The other effect is that hopefully by putting that traumatic time into words, it can help you heal a little. I\'m so sorry you had to experience that tragedy, I\'m sorry any of us had to. Hiwever we can relate to each other on a profound level. I would like to offer my friendship to you, I\'m here for you....Vicki
Oh Kelly, Your story touched me so deeply today. Greg died at school, alone, in his dorm bathroom. I never got to see him, he died three days before anyone found him. I didn\'t even get to see his body before we buried him. I feel that I was actually blessed at not having to see him dead but, it has also been very hard for me. Your heartfelt and tragic account of what happened to Ryan gives me a little glimpse into what I would have found...it is like sometimes I just need to know. It is so weird the way you describe Ryan lying on the floor face down because the second they told me Greg was dead I pictured him lying face down on his bed with his beautiful curly hair cralled in his crossed arms. The image in my mind was and is very peaceful although that is not how they found him. When I read your description of Ryan lying face down with his head in his arms it went deep into my soul and touched me. It is so hard to relate our stories. It is very amazing how our stories can touch and heal each other as well as ourselves. Thank you for writing Ryan\'s and your story. Thank you for being here. Love, Anne
Never an apology dear Kelly for taking care of YOU and doing what you need to do. I always feel your love and care here on FMO and know that you are a part of this healing village. I have heard your story yet each time you share something new is brought into my heart. I think for me what resonates so deeply are the premonitions that you had about Ryan\'s death as I had them too about Doug. Things I later shared with friends about what I had thought about they told me they had NEVER thought about their children. Things such as who would be my healing community that I would want with me...
You feel SO deeply dear Kelly and anyone that meets you and reads your journals learns this about you in a nano second. Your heart is vast and I am happy to know that Ryan comes to you in the form of numbers and as you said just when you need him... This is beautiful!
In gratitude for your sharing and love. Tightest of hugs for you and dear Ryan today.
XO Joanie
Kelly, some of what each and every mom here has written is also what I can relate to but I never had to find my son like you did...an extra hard part of your tragedy in addition to the loss. I never saw my son again after he left our home in Alabama on a Sunday in February. I did not want to see him in that state and feel blessed, as Ann P. said that I did not, although there have been times I have regretted it. Especially, when I learned that his looks were fine...the wound was small and there was no exit wound. But as you say, his spirit was gone...and the shell was all that remained. I was in extreme shock and would never have imagined that he was in that state of mind...but he was. Like BarbaraW., I was always worried about my middle daughter who had just gotten out of a hospital for cutting herself because of her divorce.
Like you said...every time I see a mother arrive at FMO...a new member of this sad sorority...\"my heart sinks\"....I guess one thing we have learned from our losses is compassion and empathy.
I pray your back will be well soon. Love and hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Ryan\'s story always brings a tear to my eye....
Thank you for being brave enough to share it the first time, and the times since as a way of helping the newer moms feel more comfortable in sharing their own stories and knowing they are not alone....or crazy.
Love you so much my friend!!!!
Love to Ryan!
Wish I had the words to make this nightmare go away for all of us. Love to you mom\'s tonight. Peggy
I hope you feel our arms around you, keeping you safe and feeling loved. It is good to hear from you.
Hugs Penny