Fooling Myself
I know I said I would love her always. That just isn't true.Looking back, I can see many things that bothered me. When I was around her I just wanted to be away from her. When I was away, I just wanted to be near her. I know why.
Companionship. It wasn't necessarily her I wanted to be around; it was anybody. I loved her in the beginning. I won't deny that. She was different......somewhat. At least not as bad as later on. Later on being a couple months after I moved in with her. I will get to that in a moment. I know it sounds bad. Just being with somebody to be with them, but you would understand if you went through it. She just had a way of repulsing me. I thought back to every other person I had ever been with. She was by far the most annoying. You would think it would be nice to have somebody like you so much they want to be around you all the time, but she was clingy, needy and smothered me really bad.
Okay. The nitty gritty. One of the biggest reason I wasn't all there is because when I was I had to listen to incessant whining and complaining pretty much 90% of the time. I literally had to learn to tune her out. Which I feel bad for, but I couldn't take it anymore. By the time she got to anything that I haven't heard a million and a half times before; I just didn't want to do anything. She literally tired me out with neediness and complaining. One of her biggest complaints was that her family never seemed to want to be around her and when they did they treated her badly. I can understand why. It took all my strength not to yell at her. I did snap at her a lot, but it did work in getting her to shut up the complaining. What's worse is I would give her advice on how to fix it and she would get angry with me. Not too much longer after she was back to complaining about it again.
Another thing she always complained about was sex. I didn't give her enough. Partly because of the last paragraph. Another part was that she had vaginal problems. I know she couldn't help it, but it was a mood breaker. She would either say it hurt really bad or that she couldn't feel it. This stems from an accident she had when she was a child. I don't like that this made me not want it from her, but it did. If she couldn't enjoy it I couldn't. I think I only made her orgasm five or six times in three years. All the other times it was complaining about her vagina. Which is another reason. She would complain non-stop about her vaginal problems afterwards. It was almost a burden to have sex with her. The next reason was she had a fistula. Which I know sucks. However, if I didn't wear protection I would get infections almost every time after sex with her. Even if I washed right afterwards. Lastly. She always wanted sex. I know it sounds weird. I should be happy. However, the way she went about it was childish and made me feel like an object. It was not enticing at all. I told her this and she just didn't get it. She was young. Her understanding of the adult world reminded me of many teenagers I knew.
I hate to say it, but I lied about her. It's not like I cared about her imperfections, but after hearing about them five million times a week and the fact that you're losing interest in her every day makes you notice them even more. I thought they were cute at first, but the more she talked about it the more I saw. She did have a body like a kid, her ass was too big (looked like somebody attached sandbags to her lower back), her stretchmarks did feel funny. Her vagina looked really weird. Like I said. I loved her anyways, but you notice these things when they're constantly talked about. I didn't have to lie about liking them until she pushed it too far.
She was terrible at sex as well. She was a virgin when I got with her. Which is one of the only admirable things I can say about her. She does have a good heart; but she drags it down with so much BS it's hard to see. Anyways. I tried to teach her everything I could. She actually did do a lot of things others would not, but it led to complaining. She just could not learn. When she was on top she would dig so hard into my pelvis; I thought I was passing a stone. When she went down on me, more often than not she scraped me raw with her teeth. When she masturbated me she rubbed it raw as well. She bled all the time as well. It was really funny colored though. Probably the source of the infections. She was just terrible at sex. I have never had a problem with it until her.
Her family was also horrible. I always thought mine were bad in some ways, but these people were terrible people. She learned much from them. I have never seen so much backstabbing, condescension, string attaching, blatant rudeness, uncaring, delusional, self-centered, arrogant people in my life. To make it worse I had to live with them and she had to get their permission to see me. After I got there I almost immediately regretted coming. Even when I finally got her to realize she was of adult age and she could move out, they never stopped butting in. It was clear that if I hadn't come into her life, she would probably still be living with her parents. She cannot get out from under their thumb. They were a huge problem in the relationship.
Her friends were terrible as well, but they had almost all been in the state hospital before. Yep, they were legally nutty. They all had this thing (Despite being adults) that they wanted to be called by cartoon and anime characters names and act it out. Stuff we did when we were in grade school. It was annoying. By the way she dressed and how she acted; I knew she wanted to join in. She was really immature. I did go a long way in getting her to realize some things, but she still has a long way to go. She is definitely not ready for many real life adult things.
She always complained about girls looking at me and talking to me. Even when I never saw them. I literally did not see what she was talking about many times. It was like she pulled it out of thin air. However. She was always accusatory. She doesn't realize this (Because I had told her about it and she never fessed up to it) but the amount of accusations slung my way didn't make me like her very much. Towards the end I did the same to her on purpose. I never really was jealous. Only once or twice when she did some very odd things, but I gave her a taste of her own medicine. She got tired of it in less than two months and used it as a reason for our break-up. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander. Not with her apparently. She was like this in many things in our relationship. Like she complained about her family. I would complain about it too and she would get very angry. Then she would tell me it was because she was getting tired of hearing about it. It was pretty much a daily thing for her most times. Goose. Gander. She would tell me that I basically call her a whore. I can't really say much about this because she did make it feel like it didn't matter if it was me or not; as long as she got it. I tried explaining this to her. She got mad and said it was an excuse and I should know I was the only one she anted to have sex with. Obviously not if I get that feeling every time she was horny. Which was 99% of the time.
She was obviously delusional. I've had my delusions too, but she took the cake. Asking her, she never did anything wrong. However, I never did anything and I was always wrong. This is a common relationship problem though.
I always wondered why she talked about people only coming around when they needed something. I now know. I couldn't be around her for very long before I wanted to be away from her. I had to teach her how to drive. She almost killed us so many times. She still freezes up and does stupid crap. I always suspected she might have a learning disability. I never wanted to ask, but I'm pretty sure many of the things she did and said falls under that category. I'm not saying it's bad. It's not. I used to work with special needs children and adults. Her family has a history of mental illness, so it may be a correct observation. I'm talking more than anxiety and depression. I have both. It's not fun or funny. It sucks.
I don't know. I could go on for days. I needed to vent about this. It has bothered me for so long. I didn't get out because I felt sorry for her. She also liked to elude to notion that if I ever left her she would kill herself. When I lived elsewhere she would do the same to get me there. My brother committed suicide when I was younger. She knew about it. I suspect she used it against me. I almost left dozens of times. Left for good. I got that lonely feeling though. She was the only interest at the time. I could honestly say I never cheated on her. I've had wandering thoughts, but I never cheated. I even felt bad thinking about it.
In hindsight, I probably should have left the first time I wanted to. That was about two or three months after I arrived. I probably should have stayed gone when I had to go home because we didn't have the money to live. Actually. I would say the first apartment we lived in after her parent's house was probably on par with the first month I was with her. I think it was a money issue. We could barely afford to eat most days. When we had food I would take a bite or two and give her the rest. However, when I started making money, she changed. I can't explain it. I didn't like it though. It hurt me for some reason. I guess in that apartment we were humble. All we had was each other. It was also probably because we didn't live at her parent's house anymore so I had a liberated feeling.
I actually can say I regret this relationship. It was a waste of three years. I spent 90% of it or more miserable because of her. She wondered why I couldn't and didn't feel like doing anything with her. This whole story is why. I really should have left in the beginning when before I got invested heavily in it. I did try. I gave it everything I could. With my depression and anxiety coupled with everything I just told you about; it was hard. I hate that I stuck in it so long. I don't hate her though. I don't love her anymore. I do forgive her for everything. Like the time my aunt was dying (She was like my second mom) and my ex was having her birthday. I felt really down, but decided to go out with her. She looked terrible in the dress she wore. Her body did not compliment it at all. Not to mention it wasn't a dress-up joint. Also, somebody very important to me was dying. I wasn't very happy. I was irritated. When we got home she told me I ruined her birthday. My aunt is dying and all she cares about is her birthday. I screamed at her. I REALLY screamed at her. She told me to burn in hell. I forgave her.
So in the end it was a mistake. Pure and simple. I have plenty more I could say, but this has been a lot already. I do miss her, or her company rather. However, I know I should have held out for somebody more mature and closer to home. We just didn't fit together. I tried forcing it, but it never fit for me. I did love her, but that love changed and eventually died. She was a terrible person and a good person all at the same time. We did have some good times. Made good memories. Had good conversation. However. All that is muddied and drown out by everything I talked about here and a lot more I didn't. Her only complaints about me was I didn't seem to want it. I didn't want to have sex with her. I didn't cook or clean or seem to appreciate it when she did (Even though I told her thank you 99% of the time and kissed her). Also I never wanted to go out. I already explained the largest part of it. I just lost interest in doing things with her. She made me want to scream and run away almost from the beginning. The cleaning. I'm just lazy along with being so annoyed and tired of her. She never understood. When all other adults could understand; she just couldn't get it. It led to many of our fights. I just believe that we were a generation apart. That it was doomed before it even started. I should have known when she asked me to move in with her, but she needed to ask her mom and dad. Stupid me. Sorry this has been long. Good night.
Companionship. It wasn't necessarily her I wanted to be around; it was anybody. I loved her in the beginning. I won't deny that. She was different......somewhat. At least not as bad as later on. Later on being a couple months after I moved in with her. I will get to that in a moment. I know it sounds bad. Just being with somebody to be with them, but you would understand if you went through it. She just had a way of repulsing me. I thought back to every other person I had ever been with. She was by far the most annoying. You would think it would be nice to have somebody like you so much they want to be around you all the time, but she was clingy, needy and smothered me really bad.
Okay. The nitty gritty. One of the biggest reason I wasn't all there is because when I was I had to listen to incessant whining and complaining pretty much 90% of the time. I literally had to learn to tune her out. Which I feel bad for, but I couldn't take it anymore. By the time she got to anything that I haven't heard a million and a half times before; I just didn't want to do anything. She literally tired me out with neediness and complaining. One of her biggest complaints was that her family never seemed to want to be around her and when they did they treated her badly. I can understand why. It took all my strength not to yell at her. I did snap at her a lot, but it did work in getting her to shut up the complaining. What's worse is I would give her advice on how to fix it and she would get angry with me. Not too much longer after she was back to complaining about it again.
Another thing she always complained about was sex. I didn't give her enough. Partly because of the last paragraph. Another part was that she had vaginal problems. I know she couldn't help it, but it was a mood breaker. She would either say it hurt really bad or that she couldn't feel it. This stems from an accident she had when she was a child. I don't like that this made me not want it from her, but it did. If she couldn't enjoy it I couldn't. I think I only made her orgasm five or six times in three years. All the other times it was complaining about her vagina. Which is another reason. She would complain non-stop about her vaginal problems afterwards. It was almost a burden to have sex with her. The next reason was she had a fistula. Which I know sucks. However, if I didn't wear protection I would get infections almost every time after sex with her. Even if I washed right afterwards. Lastly. She always wanted sex. I know it sounds weird. I should be happy. However, the way she went about it was childish and made me feel like an object. It was not enticing at all. I told her this and she just didn't get it. She was young. Her understanding of the adult world reminded me of many teenagers I knew.
I hate to say it, but I lied about her. It's not like I cared about her imperfections, but after hearing about them five million times a week and the fact that you're losing interest in her every day makes you notice them even more. I thought they were cute at first, but the more she talked about it the more I saw. She did have a body like a kid, her ass was too big (looked like somebody attached sandbags to her lower back), her stretchmarks did feel funny. Her vagina looked really weird. Like I said. I loved her anyways, but you notice these things when they're constantly talked about. I didn't have to lie about liking them until she pushed it too far.
She was terrible at sex as well. She was a virgin when I got with her. Which is one of the only admirable things I can say about her. She does have a good heart; but she drags it down with so much BS it's hard to see. Anyways. I tried to teach her everything I could. She actually did do a lot of things others would not, but it led to complaining. She just could not learn. When she was on top she would dig so hard into my pelvis; I thought I was passing a stone. When she went down on me, more often than not she scraped me raw with her teeth. When she masturbated me she rubbed it raw as well. She bled all the time as well. It was really funny colored though. Probably the source of the infections. She was just terrible at sex. I have never had a problem with it until her.
Her family was also horrible. I always thought mine were bad in some ways, but these people were terrible people. She learned much from them. I have never seen so much backstabbing, condescension, string attaching, blatant rudeness, uncaring, delusional, self-centered, arrogant people in my life. To make it worse I had to live with them and she had to get their permission to see me. After I got there I almost immediately regretted coming. Even when I finally got her to realize she was of adult age and she could move out, they never stopped butting in. It was clear that if I hadn't come into her life, she would probably still be living with her parents. She cannot get out from under their thumb. They were a huge problem in the relationship.
Her friends were terrible as well, but they had almost all been in the state hospital before. Yep, they were legally nutty. They all had this thing (Despite being adults) that they wanted to be called by cartoon and anime characters names and act it out. Stuff we did when we were in grade school. It was annoying. By the way she dressed and how she acted; I knew she wanted to join in. She was really immature. I did go a long way in getting her to realize some things, but she still has a long way to go. She is definitely not ready for many real life adult things.
She always complained about girls looking at me and talking to me. Even when I never saw them. I literally did not see what she was talking about many times. It was like she pulled it out of thin air. However. She was always accusatory. She doesn't realize this (Because I had told her about it and she never fessed up to it) but the amount of accusations slung my way didn't make me like her very much. Towards the end I did the same to her on purpose. I never really was jealous. Only once or twice when she did some very odd things, but I gave her a taste of her own medicine. She got tired of it in less than two months and used it as a reason for our break-up. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander. Not with her apparently. She was like this in many things in our relationship. Like she complained about her family. I would complain about it too and she would get very angry. Then she would tell me it was because she was getting tired of hearing about it. It was pretty much a daily thing for her most times. Goose. Gander. She would tell me that I basically call her a whore. I can't really say much about this because she did make it feel like it didn't matter if it was me or not; as long as she got it. I tried explaining this to her. She got mad and said it was an excuse and I should know I was the only one she anted to have sex with. Obviously not if I get that feeling every time she was horny. Which was 99% of the time.
She was obviously delusional. I've had my delusions too, but she took the cake. Asking her, she never did anything wrong. However, I never did anything and I was always wrong. This is a common relationship problem though.
I always wondered why she talked about people only coming around when they needed something. I now know. I couldn't be around her for very long before I wanted to be away from her. I had to teach her how to drive. She almost killed us so many times. She still freezes up and does stupid crap. I always suspected she might have a learning disability. I never wanted to ask, but I'm pretty sure many of the things she did and said falls under that category. I'm not saying it's bad. It's not. I used to work with special needs children and adults. Her family has a history of mental illness, so it may be a correct observation. I'm talking more than anxiety and depression. I have both. It's not fun or funny. It sucks.
I don't know. I could go on for days. I needed to vent about this. It has bothered me for so long. I didn't get out because I felt sorry for her. She also liked to elude to notion that if I ever left her she would kill herself. When I lived elsewhere she would do the same to get me there. My brother committed suicide when I was younger. She knew about it. I suspect she used it against me. I almost left dozens of times. Left for good. I got that lonely feeling though. She was the only interest at the time. I could honestly say I never cheated on her. I've had wandering thoughts, but I never cheated. I even felt bad thinking about it.
In hindsight, I probably should have left the first time I wanted to. That was about two or three months after I arrived. I probably should have stayed gone when I had to go home because we didn't have the money to live. Actually. I would say the first apartment we lived in after her parent's house was probably on par with the first month I was with her. I think it was a money issue. We could barely afford to eat most days. When we had food I would take a bite or two and give her the rest. However, when I started making money, she changed. I can't explain it. I didn't like it though. It hurt me for some reason. I guess in that apartment we were humble. All we had was each other. It was also probably because we didn't live at her parent's house anymore so I had a liberated feeling.
I actually can say I regret this relationship. It was a waste of three years. I spent 90% of it or more miserable because of her. She wondered why I couldn't and didn't feel like doing anything with her. This whole story is why. I really should have left in the beginning when before I got invested heavily in it. I did try. I gave it everything I could. With my depression and anxiety coupled with everything I just told you about; it was hard. I hate that I stuck in it so long. I don't hate her though. I don't love her anymore. I do forgive her for everything. Like the time my aunt was dying (She was like my second mom) and my ex was having her birthday. I felt really down, but decided to go out with her. She looked terrible in the dress she wore. Her body did not compliment it at all. Not to mention it wasn't a dress-up joint. Also, somebody very important to me was dying. I wasn't very happy. I was irritated. When we got home she told me I ruined her birthday. My aunt is dying and all she cares about is her birthday. I screamed at her. I REALLY screamed at her. She told me to burn in hell. I forgave her.
So in the end it was a mistake. Pure and simple. I have plenty more I could say, but this has been a lot already. I do miss her, or her company rather. However, I know I should have held out for somebody more mature and closer to home. We just didn't fit together. I tried forcing it, but it never fit for me. I did love her, but that love changed and eventually died. She was a terrible person and a good person all at the same time. We did have some good times. Made good memories. Had good conversation. However. All that is muddied and drown out by everything I talked about here and a lot more I didn't. Her only complaints about me was I didn't seem to want it. I didn't want to have sex with her. I didn't cook or clean or seem to appreciate it when she did (Even though I told her thank you 99% of the time and kissed her). Also I never wanted to go out. I already explained the largest part of it. I just lost interest in doing things with her. She made me want to scream and run away almost from the beginning. The cleaning. I'm just lazy along with being so annoyed and tired of her. She never understood. When all other adults could understand; she just couldn't get it. It led to many of our fights. I just believe that we were a generation apart. That it was doomed before it even started. I should have known when she asked me to move in with her, but she needed to ask her mom and dad. Stupid me. Sorry this has been long. Good night.
Replies
I think this is a lesson. When you have that feeling you need to be out of it; do it. It\'s not worth the time and heartache. This was way unhealthy for me and it was apparent. I started feeling sick not long after getting there. My hair started falling out. I shook from stress often. I would cry many times while she was asleep. My heart literally started hurting about a year after being with her. According to the doctor my high level of stress and the resulting high blood pressure was the cause of my real heartache. She was unhealthy for me. My ex-wife was bad, but she made me feel this way almost our whole relationship. Like I said. I feel sorry. I feel sorry for her. I should have told her sooner. I should have left sooner. Shoulda, coulsa, woulda. Didn\'t. My mistake. It won\'t happen again.