food glorious food

I feel that there's such a strong urge, to not want to eat because so many of the things I GRAB make me fat and yet to eat crap because I don't feel I care about my body enough because I'm not happy with how it is. A bad cycle. One of guilt and one that I have kept coming back to. I feel so frustrated with myself. I have lost my wallet and i'm so stressed about it because I have to join tommorrow with the gym if i still want the deal and i can't join if i can't find my wallet! And that was so important for me to get my booty wiggling to waddle off that extra weight i've put on from all this binge eating.I feel a little.. hmm i think you call it dysmorphic or something. Body hate and body image dislike. I remember last year wanting to smack my head against the wall over it. I didn't do it.. and I don't spend much time looking infront of the mirror at all.. I just feel frumpy and yucky and I keep eating chocolate and giving up in this area with myself.  Sigh. I wish I had someone in my life who understood, I don't have any positive girlfriends unfortunately and the guy mates well, they just wouldn't get it.