Food for thought

Well... I haven't given up on you yet!!!! I say to myself- and I hear that statement bounce to and fro from my head but I fail to elet it ring tru a little too often.  I've decided to go more emotional and cryptic now because I don't want to bore into my head - there's on one level too much and at the same time not enough!  - I lie awake, anticipation creeps or is that the dawning of an idealTo be perfect, to be fit exactly into the mould you crave What will it mean if I die to myself, if I die in myself while no one is watchingI'll wait here, bleach my insides so they burn and tingle and burst into mess and wait for it to healCan't, can't, can'ts do not exist while I'm in a foreboding state. The refute to steal away with anger, I refuse to battle while I'm not sober. Two fingers raised, ready to attack and pull the insides out. To cleanse and yet to damage is their driven motivation. Blast the past for I am no longer her. I know you recognize the face, pained with the weight of the worldbut the lips and teeth are no longer battered with diseased anger. This black balloon in me has burst. I will write and release, as my muslces groan under the weight. I want in you, to find release and wake into another blissful day Come Change Come I am on my knees. I pray. God; save me now and change me to be more like you.  Scrape away the hate. Scrape away the discomfort. The eating too often betrays, what survival intended has ruined me.I hear a genlte voice and see a raised hand - with words strawn accross it I squint to see the phrase Hope and come what may. And a light breaks through me.  GOD    ...  I think I almost know that it's going to be OK